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Why I Hate Alicia Keys' Empire State Of Mind (Part II)
How can a multimillion selling, critically-lauded global smash boasting seven writers be so woefully bad?
'A two-tonne turd floating down the Hudson'
New York is magnificent. If you’ve been you’ll know that it’s majestic, manic, intense, exhilarating and arguably the most extraordinary city on Earth. If you’ve not been, go as soon as you can because you’ll come away wondering why you didn’t go sooner. It’s been justifiably celebrated, with great films, book, plays, paintings and songs created within it and about it. However, Alicia Keys singing Empire State of Mind (part 2) Broken Down – to allow it it’s full title – isn’t so much a celebration of New York as a kick in the city’s bollocks. And delivered by a native New Yorker, to boot. That the city is represented in any way by the song is a disgrace.
Straight off I should say that I’m not talking about the Jay-Z version of the song – never heard it, don’t want to. I’m not being ignorant its just that the bit of it I have heard (the chorus) enrages me to the point of insensibility, so I have to put the safety of myself and those around me above balanced commentary and not allow myself to listen to it.
The Alicia Keys version of the song (with the pointlessly over-extended title) is the subject of my ire, for it’s dire – and that’s a better rhyme than you’ll find in the song itself. The tune doesn’t bother me particularly, that’s just a hesitant piano riff, a half hearted string section, bland layered backing vocals, some symbol splashes and a few stadium drums thrown in at the end presumably so that the song doesn’t just fizzle out when played live – it never gets going and is the sonic equivalent of that feeling you get when you’re about to sneeze. Supremely ignorable. What bugs me is the lyric. They are possibly the most feeble, juvenile and illiterate words ever committed to song.
Also, to avoid a writ from the song’s publishers I have to be careful to not reproduce too much of the lyric (which suits me) but the words are freely available on the web and I urge you to spend a minute to find them because they are more damningly self-critical than I could ever be. They’re self-evident shite. The lyric contains some truly terrible rhyme, scansion and meter. Let’s take a sample line. In fact, let’s take the first line.
‘Grew up in a place/ that is famous as a place of movie scenes’
Right. I think we can all agree that that’s already fairly poor. Even Microsoft Word is giving me the grey wigglys. Basically the line is solely constructed so that the final word can rhyme with the end of the next line, ‘and the streets are mean’. Not horrendous but certainly lazy and clichéd.
The next part quotes New York, New York with the ‘if I can make it here’ line having its theft qualified by the addition of ‘that’s what they say’. Like that makes it alright, like I can claim Hamlet as mine if I tack the words ‘at least that’s what Bill reckoned’ on the end. This bit is actually only included so that it can be rhymed with this awkward, stuttering couplet:
‘Seeing my face in lights/ Or my name on marquees found down Broadway’
See? Rhyming ‘say’ and ‘Broadway’, genius. This illustrates what I dislike most about the song. The whole thing feels like a set of clichés and well known landmarks clumsily strung together. As if the words had been commissioned for $10 from a former Tin Pan Alley security guard who now lives on a bench in Central Park and was taken pity on by a passing tourist board boss who believed his drunken boasts about writing Star Spangled Banner. Or, more likely, as if someone sat a class of 8 year olds down and asked them to write a song about New York. Imagine that scenario while reading the next nugget.
Which New York-themed song has now has sold more copies and racked up more YouTube hits than any other before it? Which song effectively represents New York to the world? The very worst one of all. Like a two tonne turd floating down the Hudson.
‘Hail a Gypsy cab/ Take me down from Harlem to the Brooklyn Bridge/[and this is the one that gets me every time] Someone sleeps tonight with a hunger/ For more than an empty fridge’
*Hand in the air*
‘Miss? Miss?’
‘Yes, Felicia?’
‘Miss. Harlem down to the Brooklyn Bridge, Miss’
‘Very good, Felicia. Let’s write that on the board. Now, who can think of a rhyme for Bridge?’
*Long silence*
*Hand tentatively goes up*
‘Yes, Jobriath?’
‘Miss. Someone sleeps tonight with a hunger for more than an empty fridge?’
*Teacher stands up like Satan rising from Hell*
‘That’s fucking shit, Jobriath. Get the fuck out of my class and never darken this school’s door again, you illiterate little wanker’
That scenario seems far more plausible than someone who actually writes songs for a living coming up with such an insanely turd-brained couplet.
And then, for me, the worst line in the song – the chorus:
‘New York/ Concrete jungle where dreams are made of’.
Sorry, but what the withering fuck does that mean? It’s not even English. ‘Where dreams are made of’? THAT MAKES NO SENSE. ‘Where dreams are made’ – YES. ‘Of which dreams are made’ – Yes. ‘Where dreams are made of’ – NO, NO, NO. Was there no other human being nearby you could run the line past before bellowing it into the mic? Could the producer not have stepped in and said, ‘Scuse me, Alicia love, not entirely sure what the bloody hell you’re banging on about there. Can you just read that back to me?’ It’s possibly the worst line in the annals of recorded music – and I count myself a fan of Lou Reed, the man who once actually wrote and proudly sang ‘And when I saw you kiss Robert Mitchum/ Gee but I thought you’d never citchum’.
The song claims a total of seven (7!!!) writers. What kind of tortuous creative process the poor thing was dragged through baffles the mind. Surely one of them had been to school? Surely someone at the publishers had been to school? Surely someone at some point could have taken an Emperor’s new clothes style stance and had the cojones to question the artistic and literary merit of this travesty against humanity? Apparently not.
Some of the greatest songwriters in history created some of the finest popular songs in New York. The finest tunes from the jazz, folk, disco, punk and hip-hop eras were written in New York. In the Brill Building you had Bacharach and David, Leiber and Stoller, Goffin and King and Paul Simon churning out classics. Tin Pan Alley saw Irving Berlin, George and Ira Gershwin, Scott Joplin, Hoagy Carmichael, Jerome Kern and Cole Porter ply their sublime trade. Artists as diverse as Bob Dylan, Lou Reed, Blondie, Talking Heads, Leonard Cohen, LL Cool J and Run DMC have written their signature tunes in the five boroughs and many have written specifically about NYC. But which New York-themed song has now has sold more copies and racked up more YouTube hits than any other before it? Which song effectively represents New York to the world? The very worst one of all. Like a two tonne turd floating down the Hudson.
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COMMENTS
Could this be National Disturbed Peoples's Day or something? Did you know that every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad , is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back? So you don't like the song. Who cares? Plenty of people do. Don't you think there's much more important things in the world to be angry about? Love this song. Music is not about being gramatically correct.
First, the song was absolutely magnificent, it defined New York to the core! If you've been to new york you would already know that they do have homeless people and starving people lying on the streets dying to get something to eat! And maybe if you did listen to Jayz version you would love it as well, they are both from new york and defined the apple state in such a great way! there's no need to lie about something that could be disproven around the entire globe, idiot! and the title is not pointlessly over extended, (gosh how dumb can you be!) it would only be appropriate to name it that way considing the fact that she took the original song and BROKE IT DOWN! she sung it! instead of having to have rapped it almost through the entire song, Alicia Keys IS A SINGER! Alicia took to write that the place she grew up in was like a movie scene, ITs true! new york is well known! Not a lie, she's trying to tell you the truth and bring life to the truth by a simple song, and vapid people such as your self sometimes don't get that! ITs not all about RYHMING sometimes! she writes from the heart and because she expierences it everyday almost and you don't...you wouldn't have the slightest idea of what she or the other writers may be truelly talking about! Don't go around judging people thinking your right when you weren't there to see them write it or produce the material! They know exactly what they were doing and america loved it! out off all the songs in the entire world, Billboard showcases a hot 100, and i believe it went to number 55! that means critics such as yourself, and fans and non fans liked it that much, and im pretty sure they know the lyrics as well! DOn't be a snob! maybe you should vist new york often! and next time you go OPEN your eyes and maybe could catch a glispe of what she may have been talking about! IDIOT!
As the writer of this article said, he didn't listen to the original song with Jay-z, so if he had he would know that the entire chorus was not written by Alicia Keys, that she just took the part to put it in her version. But maybe it's so easy to write good song with relevant lyrics, maybe this journalist could create the best song of the 20th century ^^ This song is not about making an essay about New York, Alicia Keys sings with emotions, feelings, and New Yorkers felt that except this souless so called journalist LOL To judge the work of somebody that's easy, but to have the talent to be as good or better, requires so much more.
You speak about a long, drawn out title; I'll be the first to tell you that this is a long, drawn out, nonsensical article. You may not enjoy the song, but many of your points are simply, how do I put it....stupid. Since when have songs always rhymed? That is not the main focus of a song. I'm not from Ne York, but this song definitely inspired me to visit. Also, why are you reviewing a song that was released in 2009? You really should stop over analyzing things, this waste of an article earned you a 1 star rating.
and to add, the writers were named only for the hook of the song. This song you are speaking of spent weeks atop the UK chart.
The three people who have commented first on this are fucking idiots.
So Mr. Lee did you change your name? It's hard to believe there would be another one like you. It's sad that you feel you have to critique music rather than enjoy it. Get a grip. I don't understand why this song would make you THAT angry. Crazy.
It is a shit song like.
Hi Dave, I liked part of your critic. You have a nice writing and perhaps being less negative, this would have been a good article. I visited New York and this song remained in my heart very accurate with the experience. Of course that is personal, but, I believe that a song deals more with the emotion and that is clearly represented here. The song you hate, touched your emotion and that mister, is what a song does. Even if you felt it like the worst, you couldn't help giving a strong reaction in return... That speaks about the impact that this song had in you. I'm glad you got it better and stronger than any of us :)
Wow. I'd never looked at the song like that before and, you're right Dave, it's terrible. What was I thinking? I promise to never sing it again and I'm gonna give all the royalties to National Disturbed People's Day. Thanks for setting my mind right.
I agree with Martin Dewar.
Good.
Frig-piss to anyone who does not fully agree with this article.
It seems the only defence people can offer of this appalling, turgid load of R&B shite is that "a lot of people bought it". A lot of people bought Atomic Kitten records too, doesn't mean they aren't shite.
Tim, so typical, you hear what you want to hear. No it's not just that people bought it. It is that music does not have to be gramatically correct. It's not critiquing the music, but enjoying it. It's called feeling the music. I feel sorry for you if you can't understand that.
Aww, Mr. Dewar are you a little angry? It's just someone elses opinion who happens not to agree with you. SMILE
Having just done a YouTube search for the song in question I have to agree with 'turgid'. I especially like 'friiiiidge'! It's certainly no "Across 110th Street", "Walk on the Wild Side" or even the done-to-death "Fairytale of New York". Now thems is songs. The best though surely is Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong "Autumn In New York".
Agreed Keith, Autumn In New York is the daddy of NY songs. The article made me laugh anyway
this song is fukin shit! I've managed to have minimal contact with it up untill recently when they started playing Heart fukin FM in the office. I've had the misfortune of enduring it four times today. Makes me want to cut my fukin ears off and send them to that annoying keys character.
I can't find part one of why you hate this song.
The first line is "grew up in a town' , not "grew up in a place" get it right if ur gonna critisize coz ur too think to get the first line right. and don't take every lyric litrely moron.
A lot of semi-literate cretins have arrived to defend the song. are they sitting at home searching for the lyrics in case it pops up somewhere new?
The song isn't helped by the fact it's sung by such a dreary perfectionist. Personally, I think Native New Yorker is a great song encapsulating NEw York. Hell, I haven't even been but it makes me wanna go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6dXFvNipc0
These comments seem to sum up the death of ST. Idiots have found the site, RIP.
Luke, Native New Yorker is a cracking song from a top disco band. They're playing Plan B in Brixton this Saturday and doing the Garden Festival in Croatia in the summer, seems theyre having something of a revival.
Sarah, because as you put it "the song spent weeks atop of the UK chart" DOES NOT MEAN IT IS GOOD. It just means it is popular. I know of hundreds and hundreds of songs that are better and have not been released as singles. And well, the song is not much to scream from the rooftops about lol.
I like rhyming songs. :-) I love the beat. I'm even beginning to like New York. Go Alicia! New York should be very proud of you, even if Dave isn't. Love this song!
I'll have Mobb Deep over that shit any day if I have to listen to something related to NYC
This article is correct. The song is utter tripe. The lyrics are beyond embarrassing. Way beyond. But the jokes on us I guess.
And I love Tyrone's comments - the very fact that he loves the song should tell anyone yet to hear it that they shouldn't bother.
Oh, wow, the loonies seem to be out... The article is good, the song is condescending, lazy tripe ... with a good melody and a good hook, sadly.
Truly dreadful monotonous, dreary song about a city I honestly couldn't care less about (and I have tried, I really have). I think I'm going to write a song about Oldham, it's certainly a hell of a lot more interest to me than listening to some woman waffling about some city (and sorry folks, that's ALL New York is) I've never been to....
Wow, I thought this was over. Sad to think so many people are letting a song upset them like this. There's a lot of other music people. Go, listen to something you like. Be happy. You should really just get over it. It's not a big deal. Try not to be too upset that lots and lots of people disagree with you and love this song and Alicia. :-)
It's called having an opinion Anita, perhaps you should try it one day? Nobody needs to "get over" anything or accept your patronising views on the matter, oh and remember to be happy....
This was a bad song, alicia keys version was worse and she is going down hill quick. She should use her looks and do porn. Also ford motors used this song and its pissing me off big time annoying!!! Gag that alicia with my coc*
National Disturbed People's Day has already passed. Where were you Bart?
The thing I dislike about her is that she was singing truthful songs about try sleeping with a broken heart and all that when Mashonda was sleeping with a broken heart. It's the fact that Mashonda had children and swizz beats and her were still married when they decided to have intercourse together. I lost respect for her, you can't be singing about all these meaningful songs if you're a hypocrite to your OWN music. Alicja, i used to like you but not any more. In fact, most people have lost respect for you.
What the hell are you on about, you blithering idiot?
Martin, you'll have to narrow it down a bit, mate. There's a few blithering idiots commenting on this. Including me.
What? Mina, you should really get on with YOUR life since you really don't know anything about hers other than rumors and gossip you've heard or read about. As far as the song, I don't think poor poor Mashonda has a monopoly on sleeping with a broken heart. That could apply to a lot of people, including Alicia. Yes, so she slept with him while he was still married. We don't know the circumstances behind that either and it's really not our business. Alicia is one of the hardest working artists I know and I will always have much respect and admiration for her.
Chard, it's called being unhappy and finding something to complain about. There's enough negativity in this world without complaining about a little song for people to see how YOU feel about it, as this writer did. If you don't like it, so what? It would have just been to simple to say I don't care for it (that's an opinion) without trying to attack someone personally? BTW, this is my opinion. :-)
People have they're own opinions of this song. If you don't like this song good for you. No one really cares if you like it or not
I care, Roma. I care if he likes it or not. You should have used 'their', not 'they're', by the way.
It's incredible that someone so minimally talented could go so far. Her career started with a huge investment from Clive Davis--lots of $ in getting her first LP off the ground. Ms. Keys cannot sing on key. In person she fails to sing the basic riffs that any decent singer can pull off. She's fooled a lot of people, even the NY Times where she appears on the cover of the magazine section, Sept. 2012.
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