Every other day, there is a rumour of yet another sex tape about to be released. Right now there’s even a Chinese politician sextape being spoken about. Each time this happens I wonder why these famous idiots decided to film their dirty dealings and then leave the tape in a vulnerable place. After judging them, I judge everyone else. Why the fuck do people watch sex tapes?

Oh yeah, because it’s famous people fucking! What could be better than that?  For those of you out there who haven’t watched many or any, here’s my list of my five favourite sex tapes that should never have been released.

1. Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain

If there was an award for the best worse celeb sex tape, Colin Farrell would win hands down. This guy takes dirty talk to a whole new level. Only he thinks saying this is sexy: “Fuck, you are the sexiest motherfucker I have ever met. Holy shit, I didn’t know they made bastards as sexy as you man!”

It doesn’t stop there; more genius commentary comes when Farrell is getting his beautiful cock sucked by Playboy model Narain. “It’s like you’re going fishing for fucking pubes man,” says Farrell as Narain continuously pauses to remove Farrell’s pubes from her mouth. “… By the end of this morning we won’t have to fucking shave me!”

Comedy gold. Then there’s the icing on the cake, yes I’m talking cunnilingus. Farrell likes to lick,in fact he fucking loves to lick.

“Holy shit, I didn’t know they made bastards as sexy as you man!”

“You know what this is; this is my breakfast, lunch and dinner.” Says Farrell as he goes down town on his co-star. Sexier sentiments have never been made about a pussy. It’s revolting. Colin Farrell going down on a pussy is not a beautiful sight. It reminds me of that film Teeth for some reason. A part of me hoped that Narin’s vagina would just eat Farrell’s mouth so that he’d shut the fuck up and just eat pussy like a normal person.

2. Tulisa Contostavlos

I must say, when I heard that Tulisa had a sex tape, the first thing I did was Google ‘Tulisa’ to find out who the fuck she was. As I’m not into shit music or televised karaoke, I had no idea that she was in N-Dubz or that she was an X factor judge.

After about an hour of searching for her tape, I found it. What a waste of my fucking time. I’d prefer to watch Farrell dining on snatch. Tulisa’s tape is more a lesson on how not to give a good blow job. Now I’m not saying that I’m an expert on the art of being face fucked, I’m just saying that Tulisa needs to put in more effort, she’s making us ladies look bad.

The tape is shot in that annoying POV format where you only see the dick and the girl sucking on it. Tulisa kicks the tape off by dick slapping herself in the face, hmmm sexy. Then she moves on to the sniffing balls move where she kind of just slides the erect cock up and down her nose. Then she performs the cardinal sin, the putting your mouth over the end whilst masturbating with your hand move, that’s just lazy woman. You can only pull that move off after a few attempts at deep throating.

Eventually she puts the penis in her mouth but by that point you are too busy criticising Tulisa to rub one out. If you’re unsure about your blowie skills, watch this. If you’ve been doing the opposite then yeah, you give decent head.

3. Dustin Diamond a.k.a Screech from Saved by the bell

First of all, it’s Screech, the most unattractive cast member of Saved by the Bell. Secondly, it’s Screech, that loveable character from Saved by the Bell. Thirdly, it’s Screech. Fucking Screech.

Where do I begin, this sex tape was pure filth in the worse way possible. The first ten minutes or so shows Screech in a bath with a hard on that he plays with occasionally. This part is filmed by some lady who’s also in the bath with him.

Screech has lured two whores on a bachelorette party to a hotel room for banging purposes.

All they do is talk about mundane shit like what to eat and the show 24. WTF?! Then eventually we get to the story, Screech has lured two whores on a bachelorette party to a hotel room for banging purposes.

The girls don’t seem so keen at first, who can blame them, it’s Screech for crying out loud. He’s as appetising as a tramp’s slipper. But after some good ole Dutch courage, and a bit of lesbianism, the girls allow screech to violate them with his Jewish penis.

I mention the fact that he has “a Jewish penis” only because he constantly makes off colour jokes about it. It’s repulsive. It’s like shit sex, yeah it’s crap but you might as well finish what you’ve started. The only plus about this tape is that you don’t see as much of Screech’s face. The negative? Everything else, including his penis.

I can never watch Saved by the Bell again. Thanks for ruining my childhood Screech.

4. Fred Durst

This sex tape is the answer to the question: can Fred Durst look like a bigger arsehole than he already does? It’s basically just Fred Durst fucking some groupie doggie style for a few minutes. Durst, the camera guy shows his face once, once too many really, the rest of the tape is just a bird’s eye view or his average dick penetrating a vagina. Fred Durst is not attractive and his dick is even worse.

No one can get off to this; Durst just seems like a selfish lover, it’s all about him. The girl is clearly faking it pretty badly but I don’t think Durst even cares, that’s how much of an arsehole he is.

5. Kim Kardashian

Well it had to make the list, although it was a tossup between hers and Paris Hilton’s. This is the tape that put her on the map. It’s the reason why we are forced to keep up with the Kardashians. For this reason alone, this tape should never have been released.

There have been rumours that this tape was staged and the leak was intentional to kick start Kim’s career. After watching this tape, I can’t help but side with the rumours, this tape is so staged.

It all starts with Kim beautifying herself. Now in my experience, if you were pretty enough to get the guy to your place then it’s pretty much a sure thing, make-up or not, sex will happen so I see no need for this.

Then Kim gets on her knees and shows the world just how talentless she is. She can’t suck a dick for shit, although she does a better job than Tulisa but come on, a mouthless manatee could give better head than her. She’s more interested in looking good on camera than pleasuring the huge dick in her mouth.

Ray J, her co-star is the only saving grace. He gives way better than he gets. His after all is the stallion penis that shot Kim Kardashian to fame, not a lot of dicks can do that. What does Kim do? Like in life, she lies on her massive arse and takes and takes and give shit head in return. Don’t watch this, don’t watch Keeping up with the Kardashians, just ignore Kim and maybe one day she’ll just fuck off.