RELATED
I Really Hate Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling can currently be found wowing audiences around the world with his performances in Drive and Crazy Stupid Love, but that doesn't mean I should like him...
Ryan Gosling: Handsome, polite and all around fantastc.
I’m not sure entirely when it began but if I was to hazard a guess I’d say it was the first time I saw the hit rom-slush The Notebook. In my first year halls at uni, cocooned in duvets and used Kleenex I’d been locked away from civilisation for a good few days due to a super strong hybrid bout of hypochondria and man-flu. And wanking, hence the Kleenex. Truth to say I was on a very low rung and whilst on the brink of cabin fever I made a terrible error of judgement. I decided to watch The Notebook. A film that until that point I had never seen but knew all too much about as it was (probably still is) a bit of a cult amongst my female friends. Before this moment I had only ever pretended to have seen the film on the occasions where I’d shamelessly dragged it from within my pulling tool kit as part of my ‘sensitive-man’ repertoire. It was time though to now end the lies and find out what the fuss was about. I mean, how bad, sad, cringey and emasculating could it really be?
Turns out not very, for the initial 120 minutes of the film anyway. Generally all that happens is grim acting and a predictably sloshy script, offensive yes but also quite harmless. Then the end happens which anyone that’s existed in a public space with common sense will be able to predict or will at least have had it spoiled for them by someone else at an earlier date. It’s hardly breaking the boundaries of storytelling after all. But, despite knowing exactly what would happen, it broke me. Broke me down like a tower of cards and turned me into a quibbling mess. A gate of tears opened that has never truly closed. I sat there ill, wrapped in duvets and I cried thinking thoughts like, ‘they only had each other.’ In desperation I placed something fun and marginally happy into the DVD player – Little Miss Sunshine. I cried at that too. I cried at Little Miss fecking Sunshine. The Notebook had set into motion the cogs of emotion and made me cry again and this time it was because of how happy the characters were. I was crying out of fucking happiness. Like a mum at a wedding.Then before I knew it, consumed by this new ability to feel, I got quite into it. I started thinking and dragging up memories just to give me more soggy emotional fuel. My parents divorce, the time I didn’t get brought off the subs-bench when I was 8 in a five-a-side football tournament…it was all coming out in some weird Notebook inspired self therapy.
But that’s not the end of it, not only had it made me feel, it had ruined any future relationship that I might have. Because after you’ve seen Gosling in that film you realise he’s the perfect man that you will never be. Girls coo over him and blush at the mere thought of his performance and unrealistic portrayal of ultimate love. Love for a woman that’s essentially a bit of a dick. A fictional love that builds an inbuilt sense that it’s okay for women to be dicks, that somewhere there will always be some idiot willing to stumble around after them, wait 7 years and write a million letters until they’re finally up for getting together. Thus creating an unrealistic view on relationships in the minds of every emotionally unstable women who has ever watched the film and making the entire notion of true happiness a fucking impossibility for the average Jordan.
Then there’s the small matter of his beard. Ryan Gosling rocks a beard and throughout the course of the notebook proceeds to grow the best beard ever, a brilliant beard that you will never be able to grow. Despite priding yourself on the fact that you were the first boy in your year at school to get a Mac 3 and have been shaving since before your balls even dropped. It’s one of the few things that you have left and yet, this man is beating you to a stubbly pulp.
More…
But at least you can comfort yourself on the fact that it’s not like he’s a credible actor or anything. But wait. No. He has to go and make Half Nelson and fucking Lars The Real Girl and be fucking brilliant. Suddenly he’s a darling of the critics and sitting in some magnificent overlooked actor corner like it’s his birthday every single day. Suddenly you have no real reason to hate him without just seeming jealous.
You can be saved you think then, when he decides to turn his hand to music and start a band. A practise that has quite literally never worked out for any decent or even mediocre actor – need I mention Keanu Reeves’ band? How about Billy Bob Thornton? I thought not. But then, once again like a moth to the flame of success he triumphs. Creating a whilst not necessarily mainstream successful album but none the less a great one. The kind of slightly odd ball yet highly listenable album you wish you could make but tragically can’t. The worst bit of all? It has spoken word poetry in it and a dead sounding children’s choir. It’s on the brink of pretentious twaddle and everything that should be shit, it’s even a prog rock album for Christs sake and yet it’s still fucking great. It sounds like a cocaine fueled ghost circus and everyone knows that they’re the best circuses around and I’ll be honest I’m fucking livid.
The only saving grace perhaps then is that he’s just a big show off and clearly a dick. And then. Bang. Just like the predictably wet ending of The Notebook you see the interviews and read the reports and the man is a complete and utter diamond geezer of a nice guy and the whole model is complete. Before long your girlfriend has left you, you’re lonely and alone, your band have broken up and you’re eating continental cheeses on a Saturday night.
I say this now and I say this loud. Fuck you Ryan Gosling. Fuck you and your perfect face and talented mind and please for the love of god, never wake up and decide that you want to be a writer because this is all I have you smug bastard.
If you like it, Pass it on
COMMENTS
well said what a wanker....especially the beard thing. Prick
Not forgetting the fact he steps in to break up fights... No need to be bitter lads, we emotionally stable women appreciate a 'real' man, not a make believe Hollywood hottie.
You've forgotten that he's fit and loves his dog. Swoon.
I love Ryan Gosling and I love this article.
I recently proclaimed to my girlfriend that I was seriously looking forward to watching Drive, because it was full of gutsy, macho shit like revenge, muscle-cars and getaway drivers – to which she replied – "Cosmo wrote that guys who say that really want to see it because they have a man crush on Ryan Gosling." Fucking Cosmo...
watch Blue Valentine, that'll really make you weep.
Ha ha Jay. They said the same thing about a Fistful of Dollars - til Clint walked in and shot them all. Funny article, but his beard isn't as good as Clint's either. Clint should shoot Gosling too, that'll learn 'im.
I am a fan of Ryan Gosling and I LOVE this article. I laughed so hard. Thanks!
i love Ryan Gosling to and this article is very funny. Hahaha
I thought; 'What?', 'What is his problem?'and then 'What doe he know that I don't, do I dare read on?' Hilariously funny dude - loved the humorous self-depreciation and complimentary sarcasm.
I'm a 64-year-old grandma who loves Ryan Gosling and I laughed my ass off...you're great!...and I enjoyed your readers' comments!
bahahaha! I fucking love this. Great read. You're not the only man who feels like this about him, I'm sure! If it makes you feel any better... my friend is a hair dresser here in Toronto, ON... and Ryan went in for a hair cut at her work one time. According to my friend, he was a total smug, rude, spoiled asshole. I was sad to hear this as I love him and only think of him as a sweet and kind man of my dreams! :P
I bow in hommage to you, Jordan. Never have I read something so hatefully chock full of love! I love Ryan, but if he does try writing, I WILL slap him, so help me...
"Before long your girlfriend has left you, you’re lonely and alone, your band have broken up and you’re eating continental cheeses on a Saturday night." This is my life to a T, do i really have Ryan Gosling to blame? This really could partially be true because my girlfriend did leave me and loved that wretched movie. And my band broke up just after that (although i cant blame that on him, actually WAIT...I cant blame anything on him because no one wrong is solely one's fault) -E p.s. He's a great actor, musician, and seems to be a genuinely nice dude...ya fuck him hahaha, no jk "man crush" all the way
Yep, hurray for man crushes! It takes a real man to admit to having one :D
brilliant. just finished crazy stupid love which would refresh every woman's crush on rg after the notebook and made my evening. this article made it even better! thx
he is not just a great guy in the movies, after hearing about my sudo sick aunt in the nursing home he was touched by here story and sent he a letter with a bunch or free movies and books to keep her occupied.
Well Jordan, even if Gosling does write, I think you may consider yourself safe. Beautifully written, equal parts respect, irreverence and vulnerability, very awesome!
If it makes you feel better youtube "Ryan Gosling Breaker High". Breaker high was a Canadian clone of Sweet Valley High where Ryan Gosling played Sean Hanlon-the wannabe ladies man who wore silk shirts and was bad at sports.
It's horrid the only way you can get anyone to read your crap is to take shots at someone as loved as ryan. Crawl back under your rock, pond scum.
i was in the US and got to be an extra in one of his movies. Nicest guy I've ever met, friendly and down to earth, and i became a big fan since!
Amazing article...somehow makes me love Ryan Gosling even more. :)
Ryan Gosling is a-m-a-z-I-n-g and is the hottest actor I know. He's talented, so of course, every guy is jealous. It's no competition, he absolutely wins before it even starts. :3
Love him, loved this, love you!
Do not worry,you are talented writer too.take the risk and write a book. Ryan G.follows his dreams.He does what he loves, that is why he is so lucky.Beauty is the factor of being noticed by the audience.I am sure Ryan must work very hard to get it or to get where he is now.Nothing seems easy.Ryan Gosling does not give up.Born with a strong will.By the way i like your article.
Do not worry,you are talented writer.take the risk and write a book. Ryan G. follows his dreams.He does what he loves, that is why he is so lucky.Beauty is the factor of being noticed by the audience.I am sure Ryan must work very hard to get it or to get where he is now.Nothing seems easy.Ryan Gosling does not give up.Born with a strong will.By the way i like your article.
I laughed so hard that cried reading your article. Yes there is something wrong with rg. No one can be that perfect. He even can salsa dance......
I have only just discovered the beautiful Ryan after watching 'Drive' - I turned to my husband who was born 1 week before him in 1980 and said 'Oh my God, he looks like you'! He looks like my lovely hubbie and is a great actor!!
Seriously?Wow,lucky you.But do you love more your boyfriend or Gosling?haha....
I had never heard of him until this article. Fuck him, I bet he's just got a "onesie" for Christmas, the babygrow-wearing twat.
Wow! I'm glad I'm gay...Not only do I get to think this talented Bastard is HOT...But I don't have to fear his affect on women! Funny article for poor average, unadmired, unappreciated straight guys! Tsk! Tsk!
This is the best piece of writing I've read all week.
wow ..I never knew people felt so strongly about a actor? What he may be like in real life may be a different thing..Then the make believe roles he plays.. That being said, i did like the writing
Mr gosling is no De Niro so not sure why anyone would care but what ever gets you through the day.
I have no time for Ryan Gosling; do not fancy him, do not value him. He looks absolutely awful and in about three seconds he would behave like an utter idiot with anyone half sighted; he is indulged, and indulgent. Also, his ambition renders him repulsive.
I would eat him alive. God bless the Gosling. The greatest gift to womankind. ;)
SABOTAGE
