In the news this week, the list of candidates for the Mars One mission to start a colony on the Red Planet has been whittled down to the final 100, including 5 Britons.

The journey has been described as ‘doomed to fail and will take 7 years with no guarantee of survival at the other end. Anyone who’s been on an awayday to Carlisle will know the feeling.

The five Brits are mainly physics students who’ll probably start a culture of socially awkward boffins with flaky skin conditions. Hardly the people we should be sending to represent our home planet. Here’s a few better suggestions.

Vinnie Jones

There may already be natives living on Mars when we arrive, so it’s important to let them know who we are and why we’re there. The best way to do this would be to get Vinnie to nut the biggest one square on the nose as soon as he steps off the spaceship.

The Queen

Comfortable dealing with alien space creatures. Mainly because she is one.

Ian Towning

If you’ve spent any time unemployed over the last few years you’ll recognise Ian as David Dickinson’s glamorous cross dressing assistant on Dickinson’s Real Deal. He dresses and speaks like an Ancient Babylonian Queen, and let’s be honest the human race would be a lot more interesting if we all had even 1% of his character. OK he wasn’t strictly born in Britain but who are you, Nigel Farage?

Gemma Collins

Just be good to have her off the telly for a few weeks.

Michael Portillo

“According to my Bradshaws, Mars is the fourth planet from the sun and the second smallest in the solar system” he’d say, leaning slightly too close to the ear of the nervous cabin boy. He’s used to long journeys and his collection of blazers would keep a small army warm in the cold months.

Katie Price

What’s the point in starting a colony on another planet if we can’t read about who’s shagging who in a weekly column for OK mag? She’s 97% man made so would outlive all the others, plus you know if there were any Martians roaming the planet she’d be up the duff with another book deal quicker than you can say Nanoo Nanoo. That’s the kind of entrepreneurial spirit that’s got us there in the first place.

Brian Harvey

Maybe not the best choice for the good of the human race, but give him a nosebag and a 6 pack and that’s your entertainment sorted for the next 25 years. Mars is freezing though so someone might need to buy the huge ‘Stay Another Day’ parka back from the Music & Clothes Exchange down Notting Hill Gate for him. Careful with the jacket potatoes.