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Prince Harry For King: Let's Make Royalty Entertaining Again
Thousands of proles spent the Jubilee bending and scraping to The Queen in the pouring rain and she could barely crack a smile. It's time to inject a bit of fun back into Britain - so let's anoint Harry.
For the first time in my life I began to dislike the royal family this weekend. I’ve always been indifferent to them. They are basically harmless, posh lottery winners who are trained to wave from balconies in my opinion. But as they stood on the royal barge reminiscent of that scene on Jabba The Hutts space barge in Return Of The Jedi (when he is condemning Luke Skywalker and co to a slow death in the belly of the Sarlacc) I began to think what is the point of them. A day later when the queen was doing a crystal maze task in front of Paul McCartney and Madness outside Buckingham Palace my mind was made up.
Apart from sailing across the The Great Pit Of Carkoon on a space barge me and the Royal family actually have got a couple of things in common. We both live in a house that we don’t pay for (I live at home with my parents) and we both want to sleep with our cousins. Maybe I’m jealous. When Prince Charles’s parents told him to move out it was into Clarence House when mine told me to move out it was into a Camden bed-sit with no central heating. I’d probably be more ok with them if I got invited to some of the parties, guys I’ve been writing a series of hardly read blogs for the last seven years here, where is my invitation?
The Windsor family had faces on them for the whole day like Cliff Richard had dropped his colostomy bag on the royal barge.
However if this weekend proved anything it’s that I am overwhelmingly in the minority. Sadly the majority look like they have escaped from a wheelie bin full of bunting kept in a mental hospital. You know the type they show on TV like it’s the first time in weeks they’ve been exposed to daylight, waving a flag, manic and shouting, with a dildo with the queen’s face on stuck up their arse. What has happened in your life to get to the point when queuing up in the freezing cold rain to wave at a Queen on a boat is something you want to own up to on national television whilst wearing a Union Jack bowler hat. It’s not like they even get any thanks for it. The Windsor family had faces on them for the whole day like Cliff Richard had dropped his colostomy bag on the royal barge. The only time they cracked a smile was when a boat carrying the royal philharmonic orchestra sailed by and serenaded them with their own national anthem which is tantamount to us commoners sniffing our own farts.
If I’d asked for a flotilla to celebrate getting a new job for my birthday I’d never hear the end of it from my friends and family. I’d get a book token and have to be happy with that. But the queen can have a flotilla, that’s fine we will get in contact with Pageant Master, yes Pageant Master there is a guy who walks around calling himself that. He’s mates with Dungeon Master and Games Master. How do you even get that job? Do you train at school firework nights, work your way up to village fetes and eventually get a call from the royals to organize a flotilla.
I don’t know enough about the pros and cons of having a royal family to nail my colours to the mast on weather it’s worth keeping them. If ever pressed on the matter I say they are good for tourism because I heard that once. It does seem like a slight waste of money. At the last few royal events I’ve been willing Prince Harry to unsheathe his sword and behead the queen and name himself king and get the British Empire going again. If we are going to have a monarch he should be ginger, drunk and dress like a Nazi on his day off or have nothing at all. At least it would be entertaining.
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COMMENTS
He's got that tit well in hand..
Seeing the "celebrations" this weekend just reignited the hatred within me for people. These fucking idiots are being jacked by an inept government and bled dry by a family of wrinkled Germans yet take to the streets in their droves to actually rejoice in it. I'm disappointed in myself for not egging every house brandishing a Union Jack but unfortunately I was too busy being sick after watching Prometheus on Friday night.. God fucking damn you Ridley. God damn the Queen and the droves of buffoons who celebrate her existence, too.
Seriously, you should be tried for treason for thinking this. Gross abuse of freedom of speech, especially the part about beheading the queen.
Wow, so much hate for a family who has actually worked hard to get where they are, meanwhile everyone in the UK shuts down and goes broke just to hang out at the gate waitin for the queen to give you gas money. The UK is full of lazy idiots who want the queen to hand out money, why don't you all get a job and quit complainin about the queen, she's done more in her 80+ yrs of live than most people do in their first 15 yrs of life
Laci walk,I think your one of the fucking idiots you talk about in your post.because it makes no sense whatsoever,'she's done more in her 80+ yrs than most people do in their first 15 years of life'are you American by any chance,either way your a fucking tool....
I feel kind of bad agreeing with this blog as I don't even know these people. The royal family has done a few things here and there. I look at them anad think, "What a load of rich people trying to look as if they are contributing to the world in some way." I can't really blame them for being rich or being born into a wealthy family but they can't just ignore the rest of their country and expect everyone to just admire how much of money they have to be throwing a huge party to celebrate the queens birthday or something. What is their purpose anyway??
"She's done more in her 80+ yrs than most people do in their first 15 years of life" ... I'd hope so, if she did what everyone else does in their first 15 years of life in 80 years, she would have spent 80+ years learning to walk, talk, not shit herself, to read and write, take a few exams and think about sex.
Laci walk - "a family that has worked hard to get where they are?" You mean being born a billionaire into a family that rules a country is in your view "working hard"? I sincerely hope your post is an attempt at irony as otherwise you are a total plant. Oh and in the UK, we call it "petrol" not gas. yippee ki yay motherfucker
I cannot begin to tell you people how much I envy you. For better or worse, you never get laughed at in the international press for having a head of state who cannot shake a hand properly, and commits etiquette an faux-pas every 8 minutes. You have a family born and bred to properly represent you in front of the world, and they do work hard to do this job. Try having every 4-5 years an other inapt politician as head of the state, with no upbringing in diplomacy and proper behavior, and see how happy are you with it...
Everything these leeches own, or the money to pay for it was at some point in history stolen or extorted. If traveling around the world being fawned after, given ludicrous gifts and generally being waited on hand and foot is a fkn job or hard work, then most of us would do it. They have every right and privilige and want for nothing. Despite what we are brain-washed into believing by the palace the royal family have nothing whatsoever in common with 'normal' folks. It makes me puke to see them bearing uniforms covered in medals when they have not earned them. In times like these we cannot afford a royal family; there are people in the UK who have no food or roof over their heads - it's disgusting. As for the queen bringing in tourism, fine, have a head of state but not the hangers-on. Prince Phillip can't even shake the hands of members of the public. He came from sod all and wasn't considered worthy of marriage to HM. We have to stop putting these people on a pedestal - they are no better than anyone else- they are not 'special'. They shit, piss, bleed and die like the rest of us, they are just more priviliged. I hate everything they stand for.
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