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R.I.P Sid Waddell: The Greatest Commentator Of All-Time
The broadcaster, author and lyrical genius sadly passed away yesterday aged 72 after a battle with bowel cancer. Here's a tribute I wrote to the great man last year...
For years hence there will be gnarled Geordies huddled over schooners of broon and Red Bull, claiming they were there in the auditorium when Sid Waddell uttered the immortal phrase: His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch.*
And their wide-eyed children’s children will be perched on their knees, demanding that Grandpa once again tell the story of how Waddell came to say: That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!
Nobody has said more great things than Sid Waddell, nobody! Not even Shakespeare. Actually that’s just the sort of thing that Sid Waddell would say, only he’d put it something like: “Sid Waddell’s got so many one-liners that even Shakespeare in his pomp would run a mile in high heels rather than face him in a quip-off.”
Martin Amis once argued that it was the universe’s sick joke that Shakespeare, literature’s greatest genius, should have been a playwright, since writing plays is the most primitive of the scribe’s art forms (having to worry about just dialogue and plot, the easiest bits of novel-writing). How much sicker a joke then, that Sid Waddell should have given his gifts to darts commentary. But what gifts they are!
This is the man who said of the pictured arrow-thrower, Jocky Wilson…What an athlete. This is a man not afraid to claim that Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength. (Though he has realistic insights into these athletes’ training methods: Big Cliff Lazarenko’s idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy.)
When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer… Eric Bristow’s only 27.
Sure he could do the straight-up gag (There’s only one word for that – magic darts! or Keith Deller’s not just an underdog, he’s an under-puppy!) but Waddell is incapable of cliché: his similes enter your brain, leave the merest trace of sense, then depart. His metaphors thrill and bewilder: His physiognomy is that of a weeping Madonna. Or His face is sagging with tension. Or Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint. Or yet, He’s like D’Artagnan at the scissor factory.
Like Dr Dolittle, Waddell has mastered the animal kingdom: He’s about as predictable as a wasp on speed; It’s like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline; and He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave.
Then there are the ones that come from nowhere, or from Waddell’s own unique metaphysics: Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles; or (a favourite of mine) They won’t just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They’ll have to play outta their essence!
He is not necessarily given to understatement, however. There hasn’t been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions; If we’d had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they’d have gone home; Steve Beaton, he’s not Adonis, he’s THE donis.
Debate about which is the single greatest ever Waddellism is fierce, for there is much competition. Many plump for the hungry chaffinch. But there’s an awful strong case for: When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer… Eric Bristow’s only 27.
We’re entering the realms of exceptional genius here. Who could argue with: The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of chips…you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them!
But I think that my choice, for its sheer elegance of construction, for its exquisite truth in miniature, must be the undeniable: The pendulum is swinging back and forth like a metronome.
There’s only one word for that: magic commentary.
*correctly pronounced ‘His aysa boolgin’ lake tha belly oova hoongry chaffunch’
Andrew Nixon is editor of culture website The Dabbler www.thedabbler.co.uk
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COMMENTS
Great piece. One of the greatest joys of my professional life was, for about 3 years, directing Sid when he provided commentary on some clay target shootIng programmes I made for Sky. He applied the same keen intelligence and phenomenal wordplay to that sport as he did to darts and lifted the programmes to another level. He's also a spectacularly nice, decent and funny bloke who can drink like a fish in a watering can.
"Phantasmagoric", that was how Sid described a Raymond Barneveld nine-darter years ago. He is to darts what Richie Benaud is to cricket. The only shame is that he never did Bullseye - he'd have blown Jim Bowen off the screen.
Dave - I would kill to hear what Sid made of clay pigeon shooting. He's a great man for according all sports/games/hobbies the same heroic status. He was brilliant on the pool Mosconi Cup, for example. Jimmy - damn I miss Benaud. And Tony Lewis. And Illingworth. Good old BBC telly, they didn't try to make Test cricket sexy. By the way, I did have all the Wadellisms in italics when I wrote this. These seem to have got lost somewhere along the way, but in fact this gives the article a pleasing sense of confusion and disorientation, much like Sid's commentary.
Had the pleasure of his company a few times. Played pool with him in a Vegas bar called BJs. Following a hard fought 2-2 draw he punctuated every anecdote by punching me hard on the arm. Also got him to commentate on a leg against Bristow at the Circus Tavern, including the line: "Bristow, like a praying mantis! Hill, with a face like a figure on an Etruscan coin..."
The "magic darts" quote is forever attributed to Waddell but was actually the work of Tony Green. The "He's not Adonis - he's THE donis!" line is absolute fucking genius though. He had a spell doing 9-ball pool commentary on ESPN in Asia a few years back, and once said: "A big crowd here to pay homage to the magic of the spheres!" Made even better by his pronunciation of "spheres" as "SPHEE-YAZ!"
My favorite from his commentary on Pool ( I think World Championship) "it's only rack and rail but I like it". Genius.
Top bloke and very entertaining. I love Darts but only the BBC coverage, the Sky stuff seems a bit "flashy" if you get my drift? And whilst we're here then Colin Murray adds a human face above the wide-eyed arse licking of Ray Stubbs No question where the ability or talent and / or money is but it leaves me cold.
For some reason the above post has went sentance random. Fuck it, I can't be arsed now.
Excellent piece on a British institution! My two favourite Waddell quotes are "If Jockey's mam's got the chips on now there'll be fat ALL OVER THE FORMICA!" and the classic "You've had Shakespeare on BBC2 but this is REAL DRAMA DARTS!" And he wrote 'Jossy's Giants' didn't he?
"Quintessant arrows" is my favourite Waddellism of all time...
Quite simply the best sports commentator of the modern era - end of. 'Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - badly in need of a second leg.' But for sheer genuis - 'Aaaaaah Bristow!"
My personal and oft-quoted phrase of his... "Big Cliff Lazarenko - like a Sherman tank on roles skates". Great stuff. Although my dad, a darts lover, fucking hated him!
"Big Cliff Lazarenko - like a Sherman tank on roller skates" (*fuck off Mac OS X Lion spell checking on the fly).
"I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, Crackle and Pop outta Bristow" - LEGEND
Top article. Wonderful wordsmith. If only Martin Anus had half the talent.
Some commentators make you want to mute, but the best enhance the sport they cover. Sid, Benaud and (personally) Boycott are all terrific
Two of my favourites - People say darts players aren't fit but You know different when you're up there chucking tungsten. And Supercalifragilistic..all the rest is darts
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