Carrie Bradshaw is a mere Manga villain in comparison to the greatness that was Sue Ellen in Dallas. She cussed, she punched, she drank with bag ladies and she regularly rode cowboys.
This week The Stepford Mardi Gras that is Sex And The City 2 opens in cinemas and the posters are horrific, SJP looks like a deranged Manga villain, and of course it’ll sell out everywhere. Carrie Bradshaw? For ladies who just want to switch off…at all times. SJP’s exec producing is so totally out of control (the rot set in when she started behaving like Rosie Perez) that we’re left clinging to the raft of Samantha Jones. Has it come to this? As Bradshaw might ask us as she affects the middle distance, pulls one knee to her chest and smokes a fag with her teeth…”is Sam Jones our last action hero?”. Can women really get their teeth into Sam Jones? Thank god she’s so funny, imagine the show without her. But don’t we need a bit more than just funny? Here’s a woman who never loses the plot. She just smirks whenever she gets her way, which is always, and she never has a hangover. She always walks away unscathed. It’s high time our youth was given a real leading lady.
With this in mind, we turn our attention to the most pressing issue confronting western women the world over: Where is this generation’s Sue Ellen Ewing? The drinking, fighting batshit fashion icon. Yes, she may be long vanished from our cultural landscape but her influence on my generation remains.
I know a girl who owns a green clutch bag for re-enacting her favourite Sue Ellen moment (forced into therapy, Sue Ellen tosses her handbag onto the shrink’s couch with the words “you’re wasting my time, and my husband’s money”). The love/hate banter between JR and his fabulous child bride-turned-lunatic is the stuff of TV legend “Sue Ellen, you’re drunk.” “Joan Of Arc would be a drunk if she was married to you” and she never gives in without a tussle.
Sue Ellen doesn’t just argue, she throws bottles, she gets arrested, she punches JR in the face, she wears backless, black sequinned trouser suits whilst punching JR in the face and she has affairs with cowboys who lose their willies in rodeo accidents, or something. All this, and she’s really good looking. (Here, someone’s kindly made a fanvid worship montage thing to Whitney’s Queen Of The Night)
Sue Ellen is fallible. Gets committed? Sure she does. Pregnant and hammered in the driving seat? Tick. Last 12 hours a blank? Think you might have shot your husband? Sue Ellen makes us all feel ok about being human. So, for all the girls out there who feel under-represented by the current crop of cultural icons, for all the ladies who have woken up in an alley and got shitfaced with a bag lady let us remember Sue Ellen Ewing.
SATC2 opens at cinemas May 28th.
Dallas is available to buy.