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What Would Scottish Independence Mean For The Flag, Islam And Alan Hansen?

by Harry Paterson
15 September 2014 24 Comments

As with most messy divorces, it's the 'who gets what' which causes most problems.

With just days to go until Scotland votes on the question of its secession, we don’t know yet if a divorce will be on the cards. Already, however, familial metaphors are much in evidence. A typically patronising English favourite appears to be likening Scotland to a spoiled and sulky teenager, stamping the feet and making all sorts of unreasonable demands, with the Better Together camp cast in the role of weak and indulgent parents; granting concession after concession when, really, a good skelp around the lugs is what’s called for.

In reality, a more fitting metaphor would be that of an abusive spouse finally pushing their battered partner to make the final, decisive break and demanding that long-needed divorce.

Divorces are rarely pleasant. I’m given to understand that along with bereavement and moving house it’s one of the most traumatic experiences one could imagine.

That said, often the big things – house, custody of children etc – are resolved relatively amicably. Depressingly frequently, things break down into bitter acrimony over the small stuff; things which, to an outsider, appear bafflingly inconsequential.

As an England-residing exile I feel sufficiently qualified, and in possession of the necessary objectivity, to guide my Celtic compatriots through the post-break up negotiations and division of spoils. I’m happy to leave the big stuff – the break-up of the Brit state, oil, banks, troops, Trident and so on – to the respective parties to resolve. But to avoid the danger of bitterness and acrimony wreaking havoc, I’m going to pay attention to those areas where sentiment, irrational attachment and emotional investment in seemingly unimportant things can do the most damage.

The Union flag

This one’s easy. The Brits are welcome to their blood-soaked ‘butcher’s apron.’ It’s an appalling symbol of everything that’s wrong with the UK and its unhealthy nostalgia for empire, invasion and conquest. Beloved of racists, toadying monarchists and Orange Lodges alike, Scotland will be more than happy to see the back of it. Besides, Scotland has the far sexier Saltire. Who needs the poxy Union flag?

In return, Scotland gets the Metallica CDs up to and including the ‘Live Shit: Binge and Purge’ set.

Alan Hansen

Hansen, despite an inarguably impressive career, sadly went native many, many moons ago. He’s an Englishman in (not-even-trying-to) disguise. From his infamous and unforgivable use of the word ‘we’ when discussing England’s World Cup prospects to telling what turned out to be possibly the greatest ever Man U side that they’d “… never win anything with kids,” he continually marries treason to ignorance.

The UK can keep him. Scotland gets the return of King Kenny of Dalglish.

Wales

The Welsh have suffered under Brit dominion for centuries, too. As fellow Celts, their sympathies and affinities lie with Scotland. As do Scotland’s with theirs. To strengthen the case, there are even those who argue that William Wallace was actually a Welshman. In no universe would it make any kind of sense to let the Brits keep Wales. Scotland should have Wales and if the Welsh then, quite rightly, decide not to be had by anyone but to go it alone, Scotland, obviously, would support that decision.

In the interests of fair play, Cameron and co can have the three-piece suite in the front room and King Jamie the Sixth and First’s shudder-inducing wedding present of Royal Doulton.

Penicillin

Tricky one, this. Although discovered by a Scot its usage is now world-wide and longstanding. A revolutionary chemical and medical breakthrough, penicillin can be added to electricity, the steam engine, television, the Bank of England (ho ho ho) and much much more in the enormous list of gifts Scotland has bequeathed to humanity.
But who’d want to see anyone die from lack of access to the miracle stuff?

Joint-custody is really the only sensible option here.

Muslims

The Brit state hates Muslims. Brit newspapers hate Muslims and a frightening proportion of the English working class would rather Tommy Robinson move in next door than Mr and Mrs Abbas. Islamophobia is a noxious joint UK-US creation and it thrives and grows like weeds in Englandshire.

Bizarrely, Scotland has a problem with religious sectarianism but virtually no Islamophobia. Its attitude toward other races, religions and creeds – notwithstanding the aforementioned and centuries-long Prod Orange oppression of Catholics – stands in welcome contrast to xenophobic and reactionary Britain.

So, Scotland gets the Muslims and agrees to give the UK, in return, Lorraine Kelly, the recipe for Pizza Crunch (sort those arteries out, Scotland) and never having to hear another bloody word about nineteen-sixty-fecking-six ever again.

Follow Harry on Twitter @HarryPaterson1

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Bill 1:42 pm, 15-Sep-2014

The most bigoted article on Scottish independence yet! Well done, wanker.

Harry 3:07 pm, 15-Sep-2014

Where's your sense of humour, grumpy pants! And I thought we were the dour bastards! Turn that frown upside down :-D

Bill 3:26 pm, 15-Sep-2014

"Instinctively the Englishman is no missionary, no conqueror. He prefers the country to the town, and home to foreign parts. He is rather glad and relieved if only natives will remain natives and strangers strangers, and at a comfortable distance from himself. Yet outwardly he is most hospitable and accepts almost anybody for the time being; he travels and conquers without a settled design, because he has the instinct of exploration. His adventures are all external; they change him so little that he is not afraid of them. He carries his English weather in his heart wherever he goes, and it becomes a cool spot in the desert, and a steady and sane oracle amongst all the deliriums of mankind. Never since the heroic days of Greece has the world had such a sweet, just, boyish master. It will be a black day for the human race when scientific blackguards, conspirators, churls, and fanatics manage to supplant him." Sums it all up.

Harry 3:51 pm, 15-Sep-2014

Fair play to you. That's far funnier and far better satire than my effort. Especially the bit about England being a sweet just master! Brilliant LOLs there :-D

Bill 4:10 pm, 15-Sep-2014

Not really an achievement considering putting an iron to my ball sack would make me laugh more than reading your article. However, if the undeniable truth makes you laugh, crack on. Rule Britannia, the finest empire there ever was.

Harry 4:15 pm, 15-Sep-2014

Oh dear, Bill. Cognitive dissonance eh?

Harry 4:30 pm, 15-Sep-2014

By the way, the Romans called. When they've finished laughing they're coming to educate you.

Jarhead 5:18 pm, 15-Sep-2014

Poor article... An echo. The spewings of king bigot Salmond himself. This whole campaign is born of his own obsession, his personal goal and not for the good of his countrymen/women. Follow this pied bagpiper into the abyss. We too are sick of hearing about 1966. Almost as much as we are sick of hearing about Mel fecking Gibson with his strong heart or brave kidneys... Whatever.

Bill 5:21 pm, 15-Sep-2014

Educate me on what? Invading, massacring and enslaving hundreds on thousands of people? Because they certainly were much better at that than the British ever were. I'm surprised you dared mention the Romans, as the mere though of the British Empire seems to reduce you to a heap of squeamishness, surely the Roman Empire would knock you clean out! The British Empire, Biggest and Best.

Paul Connolly 5:23 pm, 15-Sep-2014

Well done Harry for writing such a piece of junk. My own experience of having lived in Scotland is that it is damn sight more xenophobic than England is. Still, Scotland can have that rabid anti-Semite George Galloway back. He won't be missed down here in England.

Bill 6:12 pm, 15-Sep-2014

Over the last decade, the same state you accuse of hating muslims has let thousands of mainly white British girls be horrifically abused, tortured and raped by predominantly muslim men of Pakistani origin and did nothing to stop it, even turning a blind eye in some cases, because it was scared of being called "racist". This is also the same state that threw a teenage girl in jail for throwing bacon on a mosque. Yet, when on Remembrance Day a group of muslim extremists, who call for the beheading of non-muslims and the implementation of sharia law, set fire to a poppy, a symbol that commemorates, amongst others, the brave men and women who helped liberate Europe of fascism, that same "muslim hating state", as Harry calls it, deemed a £50 fine for the perpetrators to be enough of a deterrent.

Harry 7:56 pm, 15-Sep-2014

That's interesting,Bill. I never knew Jimmy Saville - the UK's most prolific child-abuser ever - Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and the veritable plethora of powerful white Brit establishment figures representing the judiciary, police, parliament and media visiting several state-tun children's homes over decades and covered up by Thatcher, were Muslims. If I didn't have your non-racist and non-bigoted wisdom to draw on, I'd be tempted to conclude that the common denominator among all these cases is men and that paedophilia transcends all creeds, cultures and faiths, religions and nationalities...

Andy 10:43 pm, 15-Sep-2014

Thatcher bingo! It took five replies, you're slipping Harry!

Bill 11:07 pm, 15-Sep-2014

That's interesting, Harry. I never knew the cases of Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris or any of the other similar, despicable child-abusers had anything to do with racism? Because that's the point I'm making and, entirely predictable, the point you're ignoring. So I’ll repeat myself: you say the British state hates muslims, yet in that same country, thousands of white British girls were subjected to horrific abuse, torture and rape by gangs of men of (mainly) Pakistani origin due to the people in charge failing to stop it because they feared being called racist. That’s quite remarkable for a state that supposedly hates muslims, wouldn’t you say? That same muslim-hating state which dishes out prison sentences to teenaged mums for throwing strips of bacon in a mosque, of course. Now as for you implying I somehow believe only muslims can be peadophiles… well, I can’t say I didn’t expect a classic bit of left-wing loony spin coming my way after my previous reply. I’ll bite. So, for the record, of course I’m well aware, as you well know, of the fact paedophiles come in all shapes and sizes. Yet it’d be extremely naive to deny the child abuse gang’s cultural heritage might have something to do with the crimes their committing, when you’re aware of the fact that Pakistan has huge child abuse and child marriage problems. Really hope you find the courage to reply to what I say this time, Harry.

Tony 12:03 pm, 16-Sep-2014

I'll take Lorraine Kelly, cheers.

Fen 1:23 pm, 16-Sep-2014

Bill, stick a figurine of Thatcher up your arse and wank off to Land of Hope and Glory. Harry, if we (Liverpool) could secede we surely would. Go for it Jocks (let us have weekend visits though yeah?).

Bill 1:38 pm, 16-Sep-2014

There we have it, folks, Fen showing us the incredibly tolerant left-wing stance on political views other than their own.

Andy 8:53 pm, 16-Sep-2014

@fen. Liverpool, secede? Gets a yes vote from me! Oh and don't worry worry about weekend visits, you can shove them up your arse.

Colin 7:18 pm, 21-Sep-2014

Scotland doesn''t have any towns full of muslims, so your point is irrelevant. Perhaps if Scotland were ever to take it's fair share of immigrants....

Brian 3:44 pm, 22-Sep-2014

Disappointing Harry. No mention of BBC (and indeed Sky News) bias. Of orchestrated, Big Business headline grabbing doom and gloom claims, of Englsh owned print media ability to publish unsupported scare stories - no scrutiny, no examination of evidence. No Due Diligence. No balance. But apart from that...

Harry 4:18 pm, 22-Sep-2014

Brian, I've written extensively elsewhere regarding those points (despite an exile in Nottingham, I was a firm YES supporter) and more. This was a -clearly poorly-executed, given the po-faced comments from Bill - stab at introducing a little humour to the debate.

Bill 11:02 pm, 23-Sep-2014

Still ain't found that courage, then?

Harry 10:53 pm, 25-Sep-2014

Bill, courage ins't required to respond to you last point. It's appalling bigotry - and probably racism - backed by no evidence whatsoever. You write, " Yet it’d be extremely naive to deny the child abuse gang’s cultural heritage might have something to do with the crimes their committing." Really? what do you know about these individuals that the rest of us don't? How do you explain the 'cultural heritage' of rich, privileged white child rapists which our establishment seems to be stuffed full of? Paedophilia is a psycho-sexual disorder; a paraphilia. Attempts to blame someone's race is mind-blowingly ignorant as well as offensive and insulting. So let's see your evidence. Let's see your proof and let's see your link between Pakistani child-abusers and white Brit abusers. Dying to see how two vastly different cultures are both responsible for child abuse. Which they both must be otherwise your argument really is racist.

Brian 1:02 pm, 27-Sep-2014

Apologies Harry, yes you have. And better that I could ever have done. I should have looked harder. And still, despite the undoubted bias in the media, and Westminster lining up big business lie after big business lie, I am astounded that we lost.

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