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10 Reasons Why We Hated Last Year's Brits
James Corden, James Corden, James Corden... but it doesn't end there, the music biz's back-slapping fest gets right up my nose much like the mountains of Colombian consumed by the countless industry wankers.
Corden-bleugh
Everyone hates the Brits. Like a large, hideous corporate poo on a glass coffee table, it represents all that is disgustingly decadent about the British music industry. Horrific music moguls shovelling gak into their beaks, over hyped ‘acts’ who promptly disappear into obscurity, and more booze than Phil Mitchell’s kidneys could process in a fortnight. Predictably, this year it was both boring and blood boilingly irritating, featuring the worst excesses of humanity. Such as:
1) James Corden
Yes, this year the Brits were presented by Mount Cuntimanjaro himself, James Corden. You and a team of Sherpas could hack away at him with little ice picks for months and you still wouldn’t be able to appreciate the sheer, unprecedented scale of his awfulness. It’s almost worth learning an instrument, hiring a voice coach, rehearsing 5 times a week, writing an album, recording it, getting signed, playing hundreds of gigs and winning a Brit – just so you could BEAT HIM TO DEATH with it while shouting ‘Ooh, it’s heavier than it looks, isn’t it?’ Appropriately enough, just like him, the stage was shaped like a cock.
2) The Audience
The Brits audience is a strange beast. If you’re sitting at a table you are either a rock star or an industry wanker – a soulless waste of genetic material held together by drugs, champagne and a baffling sense of your own importance. If you’re standing at the back, chances are you are a squealing 12 year old and you have just done a big excited Bieber wee on your shoes. Either way, not good.
3) The YBAs (Young British Arseholes)
With the obvious exception of the fabulous Adele, who sings like a steam train made of out fags, lager and laddered tights, The Brits is crawling with jumped up little performing shits. Usually they’ve been expelled from the arse pipe of the Brit School, and will visit rehab and some vintage boutiques before getting a presenting job on T4. Jessie J, I am pointing at you (with a shotgun).
4) Mumford and Sons
These fake folk fucknuts are more irritating than a jam-filled jockstrap full of wasps. A compelling reason never to live in the country. Get back to Yeo Valley, you talentless pricks.
5) Rhianna’s nasty outfits
When I see Rhianna, I want to see her in bondage gear, dangling about in a wire mesh cage full of swans. I do not want to see her wearing control pants or a minging bridesmaids dress from the Pronuptia ‘red roses’ range for Debenhams in 1994.
Tinie Tempah responded to the attention with cool detachment and loads of Observer readers swooned at his ‘urban beatz’ before settling down for a nice cup of chamomile tea from an Orla Kiely mug.
6) The Dead Woman Announcer
Sounding just like Rob Brydon’s Man in a box, there was continuous and underwhelming commentary from a woman who sounded like she’d been buried alive under a massive pile of sand. This had a narcotic effect completely at odds with the razzle dazzle on the stage. Odd. OK for presenting a late night programme about woodwork for Schools and Colleges, but not this.
7) The actual awards
Designed by Vivienne Westwood, this was no ordinary Brit – it was a special climate change Brit. To go with the lakes of climate change booze and the climate change private jets for all the guests. Plus, you could use its little pointy head to chop up your climate change rainforest coke cut with Fairtrade baby laxative. Thanks Vivienne – you saved the world – you can put your wig back on its stand now and go and watch Corrie.
7) The Choreography
Plan B’s laughable courtroom riot made West Side Story look like a realistic portrayal of New York gang violence. How do you solve a problem like Plan B? Wish I fucking knew.
8) The ‘Special’ guests
As stellar as an average night on A Question of Sport, the awards were being given out by such stars as Boris Becker, Avril Lavigne, Will Young and someone else I can’t remember (possibly Su Pollard). I personally would run up thousands of pounds on my coke encrusted Mastercard to be in a different country to Avril Lavigne, whose Mrs Thatcher face and inverted teeth make my bowels contract with fear.
9) Overuse of The Words ‘Tinie’ and ‘Tempah’
Tinie, Tinchy, Dizzee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Titch – Britain’s rap stars are amongst the best in the world. And tonight it was Tinie Tempah’s turn to be relentlessly namechecked. Tinie Tempah responded to the attention with cool detachment and loads of Observer readers swooned at his ‘urban beatz’ before settling down for a nice cup of chamomile tea from an Orla Kiely mug.
10) Robbie Williams
Unless he’s sitting at home in LA, playing Xbox in his eggy stained pants, you can always guarantee Robbie will make some gurning faces and do a hilarious joke in the background. And this year was no exception. The only thing he said was…wait for it….’Shabba’. Brilliant eh? Huh huh. But that’s the Brits for you. Crazy, off the cuff, outrageous, uniformly terrible, and as they say at Mastercard – pointless. I mean, priceless.
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COMMENTS
Love the photo of Corden quite convinced he looks smoldering/sexy. His face looks like an expression in porridge.
The Grammys are better. They just are
I despise Corden, I only have to see the man on TV, for a fraction of a second, before i'm consumed with the overwhelming urge to cave in the irritating pricks enormous face. What deluded fuckwits keep putting this man on my TV? He's monumentally unfunny, immensely dislikeable...ffs he's even worse than Chris Moyles. Incidentally, I find Mumford and sons music to be quite pleasant, Even if the faux folk thing is a bit grating.
Ms Sweet. We in Yeovil take no responsibility for supplying the Brits with Mumford & Sons thank you very much. Loved the article, strikes a chord with many methinks. :-)
Why are Mumford and Sons 'fake' folk? They happen to play a type of music. If it's to do with their image, then surely they would have the same argument with ever-changing Dexys, then.
lucy, you're getting old love. the brits are for teenagers, for kids. whilst i am a huge fan of your frequent tirades of bile this target is too easy. your youth has slipped through your fingers, don't scrabble around trying to understand it any more. the young are baffling and as your children grow older it will become more baffling until you stop pointing how shit everything is and just make a sort of hmmpf sounds whilst you shuffle your newpaper which you are reading through glasses on the end of your nose and you suddenly realise you are your dad before your children sell your stuff and put you in a home and your brain melts.
No mention of Take That's bizarre kettling incident?
Corden was brilliant
Mr Whizzbang, can you do me a massive favour and never ever put the words Mumford and Sons in the same paragraph as Dexys ever again. Thank you.
Mumford & sons= vomit inducing utter shite, fake or not how do they get so much air time. Have they had an orgy with Fearne (extremely fake) Cotton or something?
when Corden does that little child giigle after one of his lines...aaaghhh!! I saw his horrible face for a millisecond on the news and turned over quickily. Ditto robbie williams cringingly announcing to the world that he's 2going home to the missus for a cup of tea and a hug", no ones interested you prick.
I mean, how much do I want to punch James Corden in his face in this photo?
@robb - I can't disagree with you! It won't happen again.
Fish. Barrel.
I grew up in the same town as James Corden, he once licked a schnauzer's bum for a kebab. Pathetic.
The badyear blimp should hopefully go up in flames like the Hindenberg.
Bitter?
Mumford and Sons are the most patronisingly earnest bunch of shits I have ever witnessed. I couldn't have dreamed up such a miserably shit collision of throwback faux-folk and hyper-irish sentimentalism if my life depended on it. I hope they all die in a horrible, horrible fire caused by their own sense of enforced 'earthy' sincerity. Or they could always hang themselves by their £1500-a-pair faux-antique braces out of raw shame when they realise how incredibly awful they are.
I truly despise James Corden; especially after last year's spat with Patrick Stewart. He alone is enough to put me off the Brits
Brillaint summary.Could not have put it better. As for the post saying it is a youth thing and you don't get it trust me there are some brilliant bands out there who are young and inspirational and don't seek the 'fame at all cost' route. Age has nothing to do with peoples opinion Griff.
yeah i wish they'd get over themselves and pack in the coke - http://img20.imageshack.us/img20/1443/stopthecokewarsmell.gif (caution - gore)
Lucy, brilliant....you're funny as fuck.
Let's get somethings straight. Firstly, Mumford & Sons... I don't know about you, but I think it's sweet that The Wurzels kids have got work. As for Corden, I couldn't see him without thinking that Horne was at home watching, sobbing and considering a strangle wank.
Indeed funny as fuck, just made my traffic jam into work palatable, cheers
I was just thinking - I'd love to submit a rant to ST regarding this year's Brits but you got there first, Lucy, and to use the modern parlance, 'you smashed it'. Great piece. Mumford & Sons are this year's The Darkness. Loved by idiots who think they have the finger on the pulse but gratingly sh*t. The night was salvaged by Arcade Fire receiving some long over-due plaudits, but it's pretty much the death knell for them that suddenly they are every over-exposed celeb's band du jour. Some of us were into them 7 years ago - go and check out their debut 'Funeral', you bandwagon jumping t*ssers.
Bang on the money again Ms Sweet. Mount Cuntimanjaro - genius!
The avril lavigne and dead woman comments are the only things I agree with. Ranting is good if it's about something worthwhile, it's just the Brits, it's no big deal for someone who obviously doesn't care about them! If you don't like it don't worry about it! James Corden is great in Gavin & Stacey and fairly chirpy, although he did come across a bit of a prick throughout the whole thing i'll give you that but this is way too harsh for something that happens once a year! I always think that articles mean more if they're slightly enthusiastic as opposed to just being filled with spite unless they're about our government, that I can take!
Also, Rob, you must feel so amazingly cool to know a band 7 years ago! wow, get you! We'll just fall at your feet in wonder at your music knowledge! I think it's about time you grew up love.
Rob - come on, be fair - the Darkness were never as bad as Mumford & Sons. At least Hawkins and Co didn't take themselves seriously. Heard their singer on the radio yesterday saying how they didn't plan to be "folk", it just happened after they picked up the double bass, banjos and acoustic guitars. Twats.
I am in awe at the description of Corden as Mount Cuntimanjaro *applause*
"How do you solve a problem like Plan B". I say move on to Plan C. Failing that go back to the badly drawn board.
Ranting is an art form ellie and Lucy Sweet is a virtuoso. Think you have had a humour bypass. My point was more about celebs desperate to be perceived as 'cool' through association. I'll refrain from calling you 'love'. You might consider doing likewise in future.
watchin him present was like watchin a Cillet Bang advert,.he was really trying to flog the coperate crap that is the Brits, even Bieber thought he was naff...and thats quite hard to pull off really
Mr Corden perhaps takes himself a tad too seriously, non? Lucy, your take on the Brits and Mr Corden are hilarious & a breath of fresh air. We all know it's corporate bollocks & that anyone over the age of 15 loves to hate it. You just summed it up. For that, i thank you.
Ha ha ha spot on, James Cordon, the new Ricky Gervais un-funny over opinionated self important tossers only liked by people who need to be told who they like, pretty much like most of the Brits.
I want to marry you, Lucy.
Corden, verb, meaning to prom ote someone beyond their ability. eg "this man's an average actor, so I will corden him by giving him a sketch show, and build a feature film around him, and hire him to present the Brits, all of which he will do without charm."
Thats great ... what is real funny is that the show is over for the likes of BMG EMI Warner they have all fucked themselfs by fucking us for the past 15 years they hold on ... but will die in due time. Thanks for the read!
Note to Mr Corden. You utter cows cock.
"Mount Cuntimanjaro". That's genius that is. I Love Lucy.
I'm assuming we've all spotted Corden asking Lucy on Twitter for a chat sometime? I say she should meet and write it up.
Corden is the celebration of mediocre that rules our culture..also never trust a football loving Celeb who patently knows nothing about the game..
Adele is (and probably has) a massive cunt too
James Corden x 10 would have sufficed. He's about as funny as cancer
OMG Lucy you're like the female Charlie Brooker! It's so refreshing to encounter a funny woman for once!
how sexist, "a funny woman for once" you wanna get out more mate..
Thank you for writing this article.It made me laugh out loud and nod my head in agreement at the same time.I'm not sure I've done that before.Please write more stories about more things.BTW Are you married or single as I'm looking for a new bird?
You forgot to mention James Cordon...oh sorry! And I heard on the wireless that 'folk' swept the board (bored!) at this year's Brits...which pretty much confirms that there is fuck all going on!
How refreshing to come across a group of obviously intelligent and discerning members of the public that think that Mr. Cordon is a fat, talentless, grossly (in every sense of the word) overrated twat. I bet he has a very small penis too!
Just thought you might want to know that that "awful" "talentless" person you despise called James Cordon, gave his whole fee for hosting the Brits to Comic Relief and didn't receive a penny himself. On top of that, he never wanted to announce it but preferred to give it humbly without recognition, until a national newspaper found out and leaked it. And another thing, Jessie J had a number 2 and then a number 1 with her first two singles in the UK and her album went to number 2 in the UK album charts. Plan B's album went straight into the UK album chart at number 1. Mumford and Sons debut album peaked at number 2 in the UK album chart and the Billboard 200 in the USA after selling over a million in each country. These upcoming British acts must be doing something right. Maybe you should try watching Antiques Roadshow and CountryFile if you don't like modern music and can't appreciate different styles of entertainment....
James Corden could personally fit stand pipes in every single African village funded by auctioning off the tears he weeps onto his pillow every night at the thought of those less fortunate than him, but it still wouldn't make him anything even approaching remotely funny. Can't comment on Jessie J, Plan B or Mumford as I've never heard anything by them and I prefer it that way. Countryfile is ace though, one of the weekly highlights on telly. Antiques Roadshow in Saltaire was great last week too, fella rolling up with a 1000-year-old Chinese vase, superb stuff.
Simon Wallis,.."just thought we wanted to know"...NAH..no one wanted to know...
Simon Wallis - Corden could donate every penny he ever earns for the rest of his life and I'd still find him the most chronically unfunny cunt on television. Jessie J's Brit School isn't she? That's reason alone to assume she's a pile of horse dung without even listening to her.
James Corden looks like a smug lesbian on the verge of an asthma attack.
Andy: the very same Brit School that Adelle went to. Is she a pile of horse dung too? And Amy Winehouse?
When I see Rhianna, I want to see her with a fist in every orifice and a lone tear rolling down her mascara-smudged cheek. Other than that, I agree with everything you say.
"Adele is (and probably has) a massive cunt too" That's funnier than the article.
Wow..everyone seems so angry and embittered,starting with the author.With the exception of Simon Wallis who can obviously recognize a bit of talent when he sees it everyone else comes across very badly. How can you slag off an act you haven't heard ? Really..a grown woman who spends her time submitting bile filled tirades about absolutely nothing. Dare I say it..but if you don't like it then DON'T WATCH IT..PATHETIC
James Corden is ok in Gavin & Stacey but even then comes across as a fat flatulent git ! Mount Cuntimanjaro !!!
mount cuntimanjaro. worth it just for that.
Ed Sheeran is an anagram of Arse Needle.
and he's still a fuckwit
asthmatic lesbian! hahahahahahah
Simon Wallis: "And another thing, Jessie J had a number 2 and then a number 1 with her first two singles in the UK and her album went to number 2 in the UK album charts. Plan B's album went straight into the UK album chart at number 1. Mumford and Sons debut album peaked at number 2 in the UK album chart and the Billboard 200 in the USA after selling over a million in each country" That's correct - all of these songs and albums are definitely great big number ones and number twos. But on the other hand the article is unnecessary - if you need to go on about how crap the Brits are then they obviously aren't for you, there's a wealth of brilliant music out there still being made every day, and not all of it is ultra-obscure either. Brits is a bit of back-slapping for music execs and marketing opportunity for mainstream pop, nothing more or less.
Its so nice to find a page that shares my opinion of this celebrity turd. I look at his face and the only words I hear are those of Mike Myer`s Fat Bastard... "that baaybie should be in maa bellie!" His face alone without words is usually enough to ruin anything he pops up in for me. On occasion I have even been put off eating.
"How do you solve a problem like Plan B? Wish I fucking knew." Love it!
Referring to Para 3, isn't Adele also a product of the Brit School or something similar?
i just dont get james corden, look at me , im fat so i must be funny, YOUR NOT, had the misfortune of having to sit through a play at the old vic with him in it , pure shit, felt sorry for the other actors, but the loveie lot thought he was super, went again when the play was re-cast laughed the whole way through, keep him off the stage and tv, he has a face that you would never get tired of slaping, he is so full of himself , no matter who was on would look bad. he is just not funny.
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