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A Day In The Life of Bart Simpson Aged 33
Had he not been injected with some yellow anti-ageing solution by Matt Groening, Bart Simpson would now be 33, and a life of wrong turns have left him down and out in Springfield...
'Shit, Terri, I'm sorry. I'll pay the alimony, just put down the gun...'
I open my eyes and see Sherri, or is it Terri, walking naked to the bathroom. They like to play this trick on me. I have two kids with Terri but occasionally fuck Sherri. Every now and again Sherri feels guilty and swaps with Terri when I’m drunk. If she walks out of the bathroom smoking and winking, I’m in luck. If not, that last ten dollars from my wallet is going with her.
Anyway, fuck it, whatever, I can’t concentrate, all I can hear are those fucking cats. Every morning those fucking cats. That old lady is so crazy that I’m sick of telling her. I’d poison them but I’m on parole and I can’t face another stint in County. It’s the guilt of seeing Milhouse in there, doing twenty-to-life after Nelson and I framed him for the robbery on Mr Burns house shortly after he died. It was an easy job. Smithers was a mess at the time. We left Milhouse there, drugged and asleep. Poor Milhouse. Me and Nelson introduced him to Crank one day. The poor bastard had just found out that Lisa was leaving to move to New York to join the UN and was as low as a polecat. He only wanted a drink.
The shower starts to run and I reckon I should sneak in and see if I can get some before I have to see my parole officer. I look down at my stomach. Huge and bloated, with a FTW tattoo spread across it. 16 years I’d had that tattoo. I got it the day Skinner finally snapped and expelled me. I look next to my left ankle, turned inwards from the auto-wreck. I hadn’t spoken to anyone in my family, except for Homer, since that day. I still don’t want to talk about it.
I light a cigarette and down the warm can of Duff next to my bed. The place is a fucking tip. I consider cleaning it but remember what Krusty told me, shortly before they carted him off to the nuthouse. “A dirty house means a dirty mind, kid.”
When I come to it is dark again. A warm sensation laps at the wound on my head. It’s one of those cats. Those fucking cats. I look down and see my dick rise above my belly. ‘Great,’ I think, ‘I can’t get it up for a woman but let a cat lick my head and I’m a freakin’ porn star.’
33, who’d have thunk it? The great Bart Simpson, the Peter Pan of Springfield, fat, broke and 33. I really should’ve listened to Lisa. I should’ve made a go of it with Terri. I probably should’ve taken the apprenticeship at the power plant. But who cares now? If they hadn’t caught me spiking Tony Hawks’ drink then I’d have been the greatest skateboarder in the world, immortalised in video games. Instead I’m remembered as Dirty Bart, Homer’s son. Marge’s boy. Lisa’s wayward brother. The kid who killed his sister.
I walk to the bathroom waggling my dick in my hand. ‘Come on,’ I say, ‘just do it, for Christ’s sake.’ Nothing. So I walk in thinking how it will surely stiffen if I sidle up behind Sherri in the shower. It has to be Sherri. Terri would have been out by now, telling me how little Fred is going off the rails, how his sister is a genius, how she should’ve stayed with Milhouse. How I only fucked her properly once.
It’s steamy in the bathroom as I walk in, the only good thing about this hovel is the shower, and Christ do I need it. The last thing I remember of my party last night is smoking a huge bucket with Mo in the back of the tavern and hoovering a couple of lines of angel dust with Lenny. I never could get away from those lines. It’s as the steam starts to dissipate that I realise no-one is in the shower, then bang, something smashes into my skull, I fall and hit my head on the sink. Then nothing.
When I come to it is dark again. A warm sensation laps at the wound on my head. It’s one of those cats. Those fucking cats. I look down and see my dick rise above my belly. ‘Great,’ I think, ‘I can’t get it up for a woman but let a cat lick my head and I’m a freakin’ porn star.’
I rise gingerly waiting for the pain in my ankle and think of Maggie as it shoots up my leg. It was an accident, I tell myself. Hadn’t been drinking. But no-one believes me. My jaw was wired for two days and they couldn’t breathalyse me.
I walk into my lounge-cum-bedroom and sigh. It’s all gone. The TV, sofa, bed, everything. It was definitely Terri. There is a note. ‘Cunt,’ it says, ‘you will never see me or the children again.’
I limp into the kitchen, the fridge is still there. Inside a bottle of frozen Jaeger and half a can of pink salmon. I sit on the scarred linoleum, light a cigarette, open the jaeger and drink. The cats walk over and begin to miaow.
I open the salmon and let them eat.
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COMMENTS
brilliant
that's depressing as hell :/
Can the author share where he came up with Feb 23 for Bart's birthday?
From the internet, trending on Twitter. If it isn't, I apologise. Though his 31st birthday was worse. And he doesn't make it to 33.
Not every thing written at 4 am is genius and just because your roommate thinks something is good doesn't mean you shouldn't take a few days before deciding to post something on the internet. But there is potential there... my suggestion is; smoke more grass, read some Mark Leiner (siq.) and take some creative writing classes post high school.
Dick. I don't have a roommate, I have a wife. And I don't rely on her to tell me if it is up to scratch, I let the commissioning editors decide. And as for the grass, nah, I think I'll pass, ditto the creative writing classes. Neither are worth the time or money.
You're a good sport. But marrying in high school is as crazy as saying smoking grass isn't worth the money. Perhaps you're a horse.
In my research (yes, I work with the Simpsons extensively) I have never found an instance of the show stating when Bart's birthday is. Bart Simpson was trending on Twitter yesterday because some soccer player was wearing his jersey, which I suspect made some Twitter users assume it was his birthday.
They could have taken a blood sample to check if he was intoxicated after the Maggie smash.
The original airdate of "Radio Bart" is January 9, so an argument could be made for that date as Bart's birthday. Also, in "Bart on the Road," his fake ID says Feb 11, so an argument could be made also for that date.
Pedants, pedants, pedants, pedants, pedants, pedants, pedants, pedaaaannnttts, pedan-diddly-ants. (to the tune of the pink panther cartoon theme by Henry Mancini)
Why would jaeger freeze in the fridge? It doesn't freeze in my freezer. Paradoxical Horse, have you researched this?
Hhhmmm I don't get what this is, didn't the Simpsons just release an episode of Bart as an adult? Do we really need this version?
Do you mean the royal we? Do you start sentences with "ollie thinks?"
Ollie, don't worry. There is, quite literally, nothing to get here.
He meant "we" as in the readers, Owen. A bunch that you don't really care about or think very much of, going on the quality of your articles.
Ollie, the Simpson's version with Lisa in the feature? She did something, caused some vision of the future where the character traits of Bart were extended into an adult version' recognizable by established Simpson parlance. I think it had a plot and rising drama. There was some kind of struggle until one of the characters came to it's resolution and the struggle resolved? If I remember right, the characters were developed and the story tellers used little established vamps to to relate the story to the series? No. Ollie, this is something completely different than that. Aye Carumba!
Lenny on Angel Dust,.Ha Ha,.. actually thats pretty dark Owen, I hope Bart makes it to his next birthday,..and Dick mate,..did you make that name up, is it your on line persona where you give out useless bits of advice in the guise of a would be 70's detective series,.."Dick Panama, private I",..
Absolute genius mate
This is brilliant. I've got a comment box stalker and a PI on my case.
...shows empathy, imagination and brings an element of realism to a character I've grown up with since childhood...obvious that some people miss these qualities
His mouth was wired shut for two days??? The amazing healing power of angel dust!!!
ha. You write something good and Ill sing your praises Owen...
Private Investigator notes 24/2/11: I notice that "Bluer" and "Carl" both suffer from the same inability to punctuate a grammatically correct sentence as our "Author". Also, it seems that all of the praise has come from "people" who use regionally specific terms of "Mate" and "Brilliant". Perhaps they all dropped out of the same school or perhaps...
Continued useless bits of advice: Owen...er, Carl (sorry); I believe it would be "Private Eye" not "private i", And an "online persona" is not a place, so mind those adverbs. I assume you don't mean to ask if my persona is a series I think, but I honestly don't know what that would mean. Also a "Dick mate" would be a Vagina (Google it, there are lots of pictures). But I commend you. I can only speak and write in English. What is your first language? JK! Try to remember that questions end in question marks, not commas (thy look like commas except bigger and up in the air with a dot). After that there are only 13 to 17 other punctuation errors, depending on what you were trying to say. By the, Owen and/or Carl, Tell your Mother that Hornet is an awesome name! You're a good horse sport.
Firstly 'Dick', I didn't realise that leaving a comment was a grammar contest: if you must know I have taught English and feel a certain freedom in breaking the rules in this arena. Secondly, I'd check your use of speech marks when highlighting proper nouns. Thirdly, I used neither the noun or adjective you referred to in my praise of piece. You really are a poor PI, Mr Panama.
Dick, you missed an e out in they on the seventh line. Bet that stings.
I must admit I missed a definite article...
Bluer I was referring to the post of your Carl persona. You are correct, sir. However, Publishing a story should be considered a "grammar contest", No?
I also left the word "way out of the last line and capitalized the "T" improperly after the proceeding comma. It must be contagious, but it doesn't sting yet...the sting must come later.
Dick, why don't you write and submit an article for Sabotage Times? Put your money where your mouth (frantic comment trollin'?!) is? No? Oh.
I see your point, Dick, and you're right to make it in line with your opinions. However, I hope you can see your way to being less pedantic about such things that are there for amusement...if you don't like what you're reading, stop reading it.
But I do like what I'm reading. It comes down to the Point triple A Dan made. H) This is garbage, and has no literary merit. O) I praise where due and feel obligated to conversely comment. R) I am obviously using the comment section for my amusement Bluer! S) With enough urge I will put my mouth where your money is Jack. What would you prefer I write about? E) I'm trying to improve the online community by employing transparency and holding users of the media to the same criteria as print (who am I kidding?) But shit, this was baaad. Also JFK, BIG fan!
Seems that your amusement is turning into obvious statements: you don't have to justify why your commenting.
...sorry, Mr Panama, 'you're'
I really do hope that Bluer and Carl is Owen, spinning a web of self support and cheer-leading, propping up his own line of sub-standard creative writing as fast as possible... punctuation quibbling doesn't undermine the valid points made by the guy who apparently keeps a bottle of bourbon in his desk draw and only uses Venetian blinds on his windows
Sadly enough, not even!!! At least that I would understand. Worse yet, they are his chums. So of the people who have commented it's You and I (who have tried only to be helpful) Some guy who couldn't find this episode in his Simpson's database. Horse and his buddies who come out of the woodwork when you criticize his work. And I'm more of a scotch man m'self.
I don't really know that. Bluer and Carl are Owen most likely
Just to satisfy your curiosity Dick; Bluer, Carl and Owen are entirely different people. Though there are two people on this thread who appear to have at least posted from the same computer... As for the Simpsons, it's been shit since Who Shot Mr Burns. As for blinds, I have Roman, Venetian (seems the Italians were big on blinds) and curtains. But not all on the same window.
i like this story as it happens. nice one albeit depressing. i always though Bart would do alright for himself, that he had more than enough to make it in America's unregulated capitalist utopia. that he'd make more money than Lisa but only because she is committed to public office and trying to Help The People. or maybe I've drank too much coffee. btw, i also really like Owen's weekly prem reports and his getting ripped off when buying Shnozzle was hilarious!
oooh, Keith, whos the double poster?
Caught! Yes there was one other post from this computer. That person has been sacked. I honestly felt a little bad after that post about Horse's mates chiming in his defense (eloquently). It was a low and reactive response. Perhaps I was hungover and sore...tired...moments of sympathy are unusual for me. So I kind of retracted it. That scenario seemed just so... sad. Considering the kinds of response this received from every impartial source, especially. I would think that a person of my ilk and disdain for hack-ism would revel how utterly pathetic that is, and from someone who spends so much time slinging mud at others. Someone who made no attempt to defend his work or the undeniably slapdash manor it was presented. He never said 'I thought the editor would proof read it (or read it) first'. But this crosses a line, and truly pathetic just isn't that funny. So Carl and Paul are not persona-da-same-a as Horse. Pity. I was enjoying this when the were.
Fucking pricks can't recognise good writing when it's right in front of them. Great stuff. Very grim.
The mystery of Bart's birthday is explained here: http://splitsider.com/2011/02/the-day-twitter-gave-birth-to-bart-simpson/
The comment jousting is as entertaining as the main piece. Excellent, Smithers...
Honestly Dick Panama, fuck off Great article Owen, really evoked some strong imagery of a childhood staple.
Dick, it's actually Mark Leyner...
This is absolutely brilliant. The vivid picture you conjure in a short amount of words is nothing short of superb.
What a smug bore Dick is. But I liked the piece Owen.
I am not sure what is funnier the piece or the comments...
Have to say, I enjoyed the comments more, I thought the tragic downfall of the show's favourite rascal was a bit too much, I figure Bart as boy growing up as opposed to a future scumbag.
33, he has plenty of time left. Has he still got Ralph Wiggum's number?
There were lots of good parts and positives with the piece - but seriously, are you not able to remove the Britishisms to make the voice sound authentic? Bart Simpson would not say "should have given it a go" A Springfield, USA resident would not leave a note reading "Cunt,"... There are a few others in there too. Unless this was deliberately imagined as a "Springfield, UK" version of the Simpsons, of course. PS: having your "mouth wired for 2 days" would not stop the police from doing a blood analysis for alcohol levels.
Brilliant, I'm gutted it isn't longer. I really wanted to see if anything was mentioned about homer and flanders.
@Oliver - a mouth wired shut would, in fact, stop the police of Springfield, USA.
