What does your vagina look like?

Obviously mine is far too beautiful and feminine for anyone to stare directly at, but if you put on the special VagVision goggles, you will see that it resembles a flower in both appearance and scent. A really pricey, fancy flower that was featured in the Gardener’s World Christmas annual. That’s if you can see past all the tiny, perfect puppies and kittens drawn in by the aura of cuteness and powerful smell. Have I had a vajazzle? Well, would you rock up to Cartier with shitty plastic crystals and tweezers and a UHU glue stick? (Don’t answer that if you’re Banksy.)

Sadly, not everyone has such naturally gorgeous and fragrant lady parts. If your See You Next Tuesday looks more Never Want To See You Again, you may wish to consider a dangerous, painful and invasive option, like vaginoplasty. And if you want to be a pussy about your pussy, start slowly with Clean and Dry Intimate Wash, a miracle product that will cleanse your horrid natural juices and gently bleach your labia until it is the appropriate shade of blinding diamond white.

Clean and Dry is marketed in India, so lucky Asian ladies get the opportunity to ensure their intimate areas conform to appropriate Western standards. In their ad, one gentlemen is so thrilled that his partner’s formerly horrible vulva is Clean and Dry that he gives her a car! Remember, just because a present doesn’t actually fit into your vagina doesn’t mean that you can’t use it as a kind of lure hole or “Well of Sex Manipulation”.

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But what if you don’t live in India and your fanny is so hellish and disgusting that you can’t force a fellow up there in exchange for a plane ticket? Help is at hand. My New Pink Button, which is available on Amazon. This is a “simple to use Genital Cosmetic Colourant” that will temporarily restore everything to a youthful shade of pink – to make the boys wink. What’s the point of being waxed to look like a 12 year old if your discoloured labia reveal you can vote and pay taxes? Choose between Marilyn, Audry, Bettie or Ginger (actually, only choose Ginger if your man is into some SERIOUSLY niche stuff, like Willow in Buffy and freckles).

Currently there is little information about the side effects of either product. Some users report a loss of sensitivity and sensation, to which my response is “Shut up! This isn’t about you! You’re probably a lesbian!” Besides, permanent loss of genital feeling is no great sacrifice when your husband will be so entranced by your shiny newness that he might buy you a car! Or a house! Or a pony! While we’re here, don’t forget to have your anus and surrounding area bleached too.

There aren’t many home kits available but a salon will be happy and delighted to arrange this procedure for you. If the recession is really biting, Toilet Duck is a semi safe alternative. Remember, just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not disgusting!

If your vaginal area really is a hopeless ugly mess, then surgery might be your only option. Top Hollywood doctors are now able to recreate celebrity genitals, so you too could have a minge like Mamie Van Doren, a vag like Veronica Lake or a split knish like Kim Kardashian. A friend’s celebrity lookalike vagina surgery went so well that she was able to get a job presenting Catchphrase on Challenge TV.

Remember ladies, it’s not just a vagina – it’s a window to a world of self betterment, popularity and male admiration. Disfigure your way to a prettier punani TODAY!