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Alec Baldwin: An iWhore Like Me

by Rebecca Lomax
7 December 2011 16 Comments

Hollywood star Alec Baldwin has been kicked off a plane for playing Words With Friends on his iPad. I know how he feels, I too need to visit Apple Anonymous for my insane addiction to all things Mac.


Thanks to the Californian based technophiles part of my very busy schedule now involves having to sort my work, life, gadget balance. Just when I think I’ve got this vital mix in order the devilish masterminds at Apple bring out something so awe inspiring it makes me consider selling a kidney to get one. That minor health issue aside, their latest innovations imply everything I own is so technologically backward I might as well be carrying round an abacus to accessorise my chalk and slate.

Nine times out of ten it’s not even anything new, it’s just a thinner version of something I already have. It’s like I want to cheat on my existing Apple product now that it’s got to that comfortable point in our relationship where it’s gained a few pounds and let itself go. And yet like all good relationships I can’t let go of the old model, so I stay with it. We’ve got to know each other’s foibles, we’re comfortable together. It works. We’re happy.

Slowly but surely though the temptation to stray starts to eat away at you. You start seeing the iTemptress swanning around town looking sleek and glamorous. Before you know it your discarded iProduct languishes at home while you’re wining and dining your new iMistress brazenly about the place with all the smuggery associated with being an ‘early adopter’. Even using the phrase ‘early adopter’ makes me want to kill myself.

What strange technology have they pioneered that makes me covet their latest offerings without the faintest clue of what it does or how I’ll use it?

“Look at ME, I’ve got an iWidget5 — I am clearly an early adopter.” No, I’m just a tool with a clear lack of any self-control or common decency. So, not only have Apple made me a cheater, they’ve fleeced me of anything up to a grand for a slightly improved version of something I already own, forced me to spend 24 hours in a queue and made me a look a conceited twat at the same time. Crap.

The Apple shop is no help either. I can’t set foot in the place without immediately spotting something shiny yet strangely similar to everything else I’ve ever bought.  Then there’s the ‘geniuses’. Really? You’re so exceptionally intelligent that you’re a genius now are you? Surely your time would be better spent solving complex crimes or coming up with a solution for global warming? We can ALL turn it off, wait 30 seconds and turn it back on again. I’m assuming our genius badges must be lost in the post along with our uniforms and a copy of the staff rota.

I hate myself for this incessant need to fill my life with their cunningly attractive wares and yet I can’t stop. I NEED their products. Within seconds of just hearing the words iPad 2 earlier this year I knew I must have one and I hadn’t even seen it. What strange technology have they pioneered that makes me covet their latest offerings without the faintest clue of what it does or how I’ll use it?  They’ve even got me considering flying to New York to be first in the queue for their latest day of shiny filth peddling.

Thank god iSmuggling isn’t a crime, I’m not sure I could squeeze an iPad 2 into my gusset.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Mark 2:44 pm, 6-Mar-2011

Oh look. Another person moaning about Apple. I have a Macbook and an iPhone. Both purchased over a year ago, both doing everything I want of them and more. I don't feel the need to buy every product that comes out, because I have this amazing thing called self control. Apple do no different to every other company, bringing out new products every year with slight upgrades. Yet only Apple are mocked and moaned about for this. There is a vendetta against Apple that does not exist in such a vocal manner against Microsoft, despite the fact that Microsoft are as bad, if not worse.

kingkerouac 4:31 pm, 6-Mar-2011

I have a 21+ year obsession with Jobbsy's tech. Though, I have never been an 'early adopter'. Only an idiot would buy an item that has never been 'road-tested'. Wait at least 6 months before you jump in and then, maybe, there'll be another upgrade and another 6 month wait. Easy.

cleave 7:19 pm, 6-Mar-2011

This self-absorbed, self-loathing whingeing is really quite tedious

mh 7:37 pm, 6-Mar-2011

If all your journalism is as boring as this you'll soon be out of work and all the iProducts will be out of your reach. Problem solved.

michael 9:55 pm, 8-Mar-2011

Now now people. This writer obviously loves apple products but he's having a pop at all the stuff that comes with them and the marketing.(also at his own irrational desire) if he wrote how great they were and how much he loved apple it'd be a bit rubbish really and the editor woudlnt be too chuffed. Even though writing an apple bashing article ain't original its certainly preferable to an ipad group hug.

Dan 2:03 pm, 10-Mar-2011

Yeah you tell em' Michael. 'He' will be chuffed you stuck up for 'Him'. Won't you Rebecca?

Barry 2:22 pm, 2-May-2011

My wife has ADHD and has to severely be restricted from her credit card when Apple has a newer version of anything for sale. Their marketing seems to feed the "need" for newer shinier things. Now don't get me wrong, the products are good but their marketing is better. Me? I'm a PC guy as Macintosh Computers were priced too high for business and never quite had the software to exploit the hardware in business environments except graphics...

Roy w 7:37 am, 6-Oct-2011

Its all getting a bit boring now.

James 7:52 am, 6-Oct-2011

Sorry guys, don't see the iBashing in this story at all - just a humorous self-loathing for being such geek and such a fan boy. It's actually an much more interesting read then the copious amount of words recounting Jobs' Stanford speech. Ooh, sent from my iPhone :)

Owen Blackhurst 7:53 am, 6-Oct-2011

Well said James, this is a personal account of how Apple gripped us all, and we're all better and more enriched for it

kingkerouac 9:17 am, 6-Oct-2011

RIP Jobbsy.

Jonesy 10:50 am, 6-Oct-2011

Backlash will be akin to those who say the Beatles are shit - when it becomes hip to not be hip to Jobs. Truth is, he came from being adopted, losing his job at the company he created and still forced through excellence. I make no excesses for being a sappy fanboy today. I am a designer, I use his products, I call them bad when they get things wrong (hello MobileMe it's you I'm looking at) but more often than not I marvel at what they have got right and wonder why all products can't be as driven by excellence.

michael 12:09 pm, 6-Oct-2011

whoops sorry, 8 month later ive just realized i said 'him' when i mean she and 'he' when i mean her. sorry Rebecca

MrDarke 3:42 pm, 6-Oct-2011

10 print "Apple make things for people who don't know how to use technology. Apple exploit Asian workers. apple are anti-union. Apple want to control how you use your technology. apple care about nothing but the bottom line." 20 goto 10

Hally 4:22 pm, 7-Dec-2011

I love Apple and I don't even use their products. That's how far and wide their influence has spread. I even eat their fruit.

kingkerouac 6:01 pm, 7-Dec-2011

iPaid 1Pound 4 iPad. iReet.

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