Manchester United = The Daily Mail

A moronic, monolithic juggernaut managed by a long-serving, foul-tempered tyrant. The Daily Manu have peddled an unsubtle blend of mind-games and petty paranoia for many years, playing perfectly to their predominantly home counties audience. Traditional in outlook, inflexible in approach and arrogant to the core, The Manu remains a force to be reckoned with. They have signed their share of expensive, overpaid donkeys down the years (eg. Juan Sebastian Littlejohn) plus the occasional strutting self-obsessed showpony (David Beckham/Liz Jones), but any who step out of line quickly fall foul of the hair-drier treatment from dictator-for-life, Sir Alex Dacreson.

When he goes, expect a catastrophic meltdown.

Chelsea = The Independent

Previously proudly British but now firmly in the hands of a decidedly dubious Russian. They achieved some success under Andrew Marrinho but performances plummeted when he went on to greater things. Their style (never much to write home about) has chopped and changed in subsequent years but long-term stability and success remain tantalisingly elusive. Former child protégé turned pug-faced stallwart, Johann Terry was sensationally forced to stand down in disgrace when it was proven he had been regularly “taking possession of items that were not his”.

Contrition came there none.

Manchester City = The Mail Online

Brassy, buffoonish, big-money boys next door. In desperation, they sold out what few principles they had long ago and are now awash with more tits than Playboy. Flashy modern visuals and the seemingly indiscriminate acquisition of “celebs” signify a distinct focus on style over substance. Nonetheless, their recent success, and their ability to attract people who simply get annoyed by them, have got everyone else watching and worrying. Not sure who is in charge at the moment, but hey, he probably won’t be for long.

The future? God help us.

Arsenal = The Guardian

The Gooniad represents liberal, progressive values, and they have a proud history. Recently changed homes hoping for a brighter future which has yet to materialise. Despite  long-standing manager Arsene Ruswenger’s visionary approach it has been years since they achieved anything meaningful, and the faithful are asking questions. Occasionally capable of exposing the frailties of the opposition, these victories are more often than not followed by a catastrophic shooting in their own foot. Now very much reliant on Robin Von Brooker’s ascerbic finishing, but how long till a bigger team comes in for him or he breaks down completely?

Reputation for typographical errors well earned – notably in the contract they signed with Emmanuel Eboue.

Tottenham Hotspur = The Sun

The cabby’s favourite. Traditional hated rivals of The Gooniad. Chirpy Cockney wide-boys, fond of rolling out the barrel and a bit of hows-yer-father. Bright and breezy in aspect but capable of turning nasty and attacking like a pitbull when the chips and peas are down. Some extremely dodgy goings-on behind the scene have recently come to light, involving a management with a fair bit of “previous”. This has led to accusations of improper practice and the old Bill getting involved. Despite all the big talk they remain dependent on right wingers and a couple of exposed strikers up front.

No defence worth speaking of.

Liverpool = The Daily Mirror

Red-topped, heart-on-the-sleeves, working class chest-beaters. Used to be world-beaters but a tendency to attack from the left-wing now leaves them hopelessly outdated and predictable. Despite having achieved nothing of note for what feels like decades their self-belief and sense of entitlement continues to verge on the delusional. They remain remarkably popular despite some quite staggering gaffes.

Free t-shirts a speciality.

Leeds United = The Daily Express

Probably still around. Not sure. Who cares?

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