BDSM is out in the mainstream, thanks to a certain trio of novels with a colourful title. Is this something new? No, definitely not. Ancient Greeks, Indians, Chinese and of course, Romans would laugh themselves silly at the antics of the titular hero. So why is this series still so popular? Most importantly, how can you bring some spicy seasonings to your bedroom romps?
From sex stores to pornography to workshops to sex clubs, people are searching constantly for new and more improved versions of the art of sex. BDSM (bondage-domination-sadism-masochism) is one version of the art of sex in that the creative, intelligent use of props and intelligence is blended with biological imperative. Yes, Rihanna is right: a little “S and M” can brighten your day.
So how does one slide into the forbidden zones and become immersed in BDSM? Bring your brain to the programme. First, safety is paramount-unless you like explaining to emergency services why your house is burning down while dressed in nothing more than a leather hood with a burning candle sticking from your bottom. And believe it or not, there are some in this world that would just love to do just that. But for those who would like to learn without public shaming, here are some facts to consider:
Point one. Get some decent, quality advice. There are tonnes of professional dominatrixes (hello, sailor) who don’t mind intelligent, respectful questions. There are loads of programmes at quality adult shops to help you sort things out. Obtain more than one source regarding the activity you are considering. There are loads of options to choose from, but remember that one lives and dies by the “Safe, sane, consensual” mantra. It can and does save your life. There is a vast difference from going to a local provider of such services and going to someone who does it as a sideline.
Point two: ponder whether this activity is something you’d like to try. Decide how far you personally feel comfortable in going. It’s all well and good to fantasise about “The Red Room of Pain”-quite a different thing to be in there all together. Which end do you want to be on? Are you a top or a bottom? Would switching appeal to you? Do you even know what any of that means? Again, run, don’t walk to the nearest dominatrix, sex club, or adult shop to arm yourself with information before you are found naked, bound and gagged in a basement, forgetting your safeword signals. The line between BDSM and GBH can be painfully thin when there is little understanding of the activity involved.
Point three: consider carefully with whom you want to play. What seems zesty and fresh on the page may end up with jail time and court fees if you try it out on the girl/boy you brought home from the club who seems up for “anything”. Strictly consensual is the name of the game, and that means both of you have to be on the right side of sober, fully informed, and willing to listen to each other’s boundaries. Consent is consent only when it is informed consent. Asking your partner to play ponies with you is sexy; branding them “as a surprise” is not. In that case, your partner may want to smash you about/report you to the authorities/brand you themselves, all with good reason.
Point four: pay attention to the sane part of “safe, sane, consensual”. Begin with small activities and then gradually increase intensity. Yes, it is fine to watch a video and then want to imitate it. Remember that the people in the video are professional actors/sex workers/done it before. What you see may not accurately reflect what you are willing or wanting to do-or what your (consenting) partner is able to take. Being tied up is fun before the arms go numb, you suddenly realise you have to go to the loo desperately, you don’t like the fact that you have to take orders, you are playing with someone who isn’t playing with a full deck, etc. Better you try one hand tied to the bed or just one foot tied to the bed-at least you have a chance to make a break for it if things go really badly.
Point five: Be sure to be prepared for anything during any BDSM activity. You know by now that you need a willing, informed partner. You ought to have a safe, sane, consensual activity planned. There needs to be a comfortable, clean, well-stocked, well-lit space. You need to have your props. Obviously, you need to know what to do, when to do it and how to do it. But what if things don’t go according to the script? What if instead of writhing in ecstasy he is roaring with laughter? What if the insertion is a little too relaxed-or too tight? What if you are tongue-tied and your confidence flees you? What if the paddle flies out of your hand and across the room? What if your partner suddenly has an anaphylactic reaction to the latex catsuit?
Relax. This is what real, true sex is all about. There are going to be awkward points, especially during the first go. Like many activities, what seems easy and sexy on telly…isn’t in real life. There are no second takes, re-takes or makeup artists fluffing and making everything beautiful. Real sex is in glorious 3-d, with all its smells, sights, kerfuffles and mortifying moments.
BDSM is no exception. Few experts spring from the womb, cracking a whip and looking like Catwoman, complete with wisecracks. Each partner has to take it slow, make (non-life-threatening) mistakes, learn from each other and respect boundaries. In the case of unexpected medical emergencies, be sure that you are cool, calm, and ready to call in the emergency services. Bottom line: your partner’s health and life trumps having to stammer through explaining the Saturday night shenanigans you were both getting up to.
BDSM is a fun, exciting, challenging activity that requires knowledge, thought and preparation as well as a consenting partner. It adds colour and dimension to “plain vanilla sex” and gives a new insight into human sexuality. Once you begin you may have a whole new outlook and can then turn those fictional escapades of Mr. Grey into the techicolour rainbow of a brilliant new sex life.
