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Five Reasons Why I'm Leaving Facebook And Twitter For Google Plus

by Gary Evans
15 July 2011 35 Comments

You all seem reluctant to accept the fact that Google+ is our social networking future. Here's five reasons that will change your mind...

Facebook’s too thick

People fuck things up. My toilet at home, for example, is spotless. Clean as whistle. You could eat your dinner directly from the pan, using the cistern for dips. The shitters in my local pub, on the other hand, are absolutely rotten. I once saw a man remove one of the cubical doors – which had dried shit smeared all over it – balance it across the sinks and do a fat line of coke off it. People fuck things up. Especially drunk people.

Social media is no exception.

My Facebook news feed has become insufferable. It’s brimming with unintelligible, Carrie Bradshaw-esque cod-philosophy; boozy weekend boasting and morbid Monday morning laments; nervous breakdowns and cries for help; a place where the bastardisation of basic punctuation and grammar is endemic; an open forum for inane half-thoughts and vapid self-analysis.

Then there’s the relentless stream of photo albums showing everyone, everywhere, ostensibly having the time of their lives, the perpetual misery of Farm Ville and Mafia Wars updates and the need to purport esoteric cultural tastes by ‘liking’ all manner of bands, books and movie pages.

It’s my fault for accepting and adding these idiots, of course it is. But I’d never lower myself to the point of deleting people – it feels so much more petty and inhumane than an unfollowing on Twitter. Nor would I embarrass myself by deleting my account altogether only to drunkenly reactivate it a week later.

The solution: let my Facebook run on autopilot. Turn my back on the whole shit tip and let the banality flourish without me. Relocate to Google+, taking with me only the absolute cream of my Facey flock.

Twitter’s too clever

So we’re all leaving Facebook to get away from the swarm of depressing dolts that have infested the place, that’s agreed. But what about Twitter? We’re all still madly in love with Twitter, right? Wrong.

I remember when the internet was escapism in it’s purest form. It was my Shangri-La. A place where pirated music was in abundance, the porn supply seemed infinite and videos of cats acting like ninjas were ferociously hilarious. Those days are long gone. Why? Because of Twitter.

If it’s not the Iranian election protests, it’s the Arab Spring. If I’m not hounding Johann Hari for plagiarism, I’m revolting against Führer Murdoch and going apeshit over Hackgate. I can’t enjoy my stolen music, crack one off over Latino midget bukkake or waste my working day guffawing at stealth felines when Twitter’s got me all interested in the world around me and stuff.

For that reason, Twitter, I’m out. I’m off to Google+ where I can forget about people and politics and revolutions and feeling a part of epoch-defining news and that. Up yours.

Same goes for adultery, hypocrisy, insincerity, bullying, lying and criminal activity: our current social networking sites simply aren’t conducive to them.

Because we’re getting better at this stuff

When I was a young’un, I loved writing letters. I’d write to footy teams asking for signed pictures of players – Ajax and Finidi George was my biggest score – my great auntie in Canada who I’d never met, pen pals or anyone else I thought would reply. The whole concept of letter writing excited me. Now, today, in 2011, it’s a complete anachronism – like floppy disks or Ant and Dec.

The fact is, sending emails is a million times better. It’s quicker, simpler, more efficient and doesn’t induce a panic attack trying to remember where the stamp goes.

Similarly, people loved MySpace – the first major social networking success. But compared to Facebook it was slower, complicated, less efficient and induced a panic attack trying learn how to do HTML. Twitter is greater still. One of the few things we, collectively, as human beings are getting better at, is using technology to communicate with each other. Google+ is the next step forward.

To not get collared

One of the most problematic aspects of Facebook and, to a certain extent, Twitter, is their innate capacity to drop you right in the shit. For example: you’ve pulled a sickie at work. You’ve called in and your boss has bought the weary voice, sentences punctuated with a spluttering cough, all enhanced by a shamelessly self-pitying tone. Sorted. You’re home free. Here’s to a day spent sitting in your pants, watching Come Dine with Me and eating fry-ups.

But Facebook doesn’t tolerate indolence, and Twitter properly hates slackers. They’re also looking to catch you out. So, just when you think you’ve got away with it, the perfect crime, that’s when one of your friends tags a photo of you doing Beyoncé’s Single Ladies dance with a White Russian in your hand at four o’clock in the morning; that’s when a colleague of your’s retweets the: “I’ve just double-dropped a couple of mental pills. BUZZZ-INNN!” tweet you sent them the previous night. That’s when you get rumbled.

Same goes for adultery, hypocrisy, insincerity, bullying, lying and criminal activity: our current social networking sites simply aren’t conducive to them.

Google+ is.

Thank to its Circles feature (more about that here), we can get away with being an indolent, adulterous, hypocritical, insincere, bullying, lying criminal so long as we keep all the squares – bosses, narks, weirdos, whoever – in one secure Circle, well away from the real action.

To get in while the going’s good

I never had a MySpace account. It never interested me. I also believed Facebook to be a flash in the pan – a tool for people to brag about their lives and nothing more. Ultimately, like the mindless drone I am, I succumb to the latter and endured a barrage of smug “you said you’d never get a Facebook” abuse for doing so. I got into Twitter relativity early, and still snigger at the maiden: “How does this work” tweets by latecomers – the same bastards who took the piss out of me for snivelling my way over to Facebook late doors.

My advice is this: get involved early. You don’t want to be doing the walk of shame from Facebook to Google+ in six months time under a flurry of jeers from your friends who are already there, laughing at you like you’ve been senselessly rutting a geriatric prostitute while they’ve all been feasting at the loins of the nubile new harlot in the social media whorehouse.

That’s why Im switching to Google+.

If you like it, Pass it on

image descriptionCOMMENTS

Russ 8:15 am, 15-Jul-2011

News feeds aside, Twitter is just a negative festival of competitive sarcasm. Tedious, no joy or delight there.

Greg 8:29 am, 15-Jul-2011

1: You can stop people/applications showing in your newsfeed without blocking the people or letting them know they won't appear. 2: You can likewise choose not to follow those people on Twitter - plus Google+ will soon become like that itself, if all goes to plan, shirely? 4: FaceBook in theory allows this with its "list" feature. Having said this, I too am converting. I think I'm just a Google fanboy (Y).

Mags 9:38 am, 15-Jul-2011

Russ, think you just need to unfollow a few miserable tweeters pal.

Vic M 10:16 am, 15-Jul-2011

If it's Google, I'll allow it!

Connell 10:29 am, 15-Jul-2011

Did anyone else notice the irony of the Like and Tweet buttons at the bottom of this article?

Nick Wilson 12:22 pm, 15-Jul-2011

Great article. Where's the +1 button?

typo 2:41 pm, 15-Jul-2011

FB is dying, + takes it's place in no time.

Jake Hanrahan 2:45 pm, 15-Jul-2011

I just got invited and I'm already confused. I can see its potential though, I guess.

beakus 5:33 pm, 15-Jul-2011

You're way too worried about being off-trend with your peer group ... get out (of London) more!

Stephen Da Cambra 8:22 pm, 15-Jul-2011

Oddly, I can "Like" and "tweet" this post - but I can't "+1" it!

Dave 8:32 pm, 15-Jul-2011

Love the post. Miss the +1 button though.

Max 10:41 pm, 15-Jul-2011

A good laugh, but seriously: where the hell is the +1 button?

Matt Lowden 12:57 am, 16-Jul-2011

Good article - I still feel it's very much personal preference. I use Facebook to stay up-to-date with people I'm close to and Twitter follow people I find interesting. For me, Google+ feels like a clever mash of the two that I simply don't have the motivation to start using.

Santosh 9:22 am, 16-Jul-2011

G+ is just a collection of cluttered apps sewn together by google! I fail to understand what's the BIG difference?

Anonymous 10:37 am, 16-Jul-2011

G+ Fuck Yeah!

Anonymous 11:09 am, 16-Jul-2011

Also don't blame facebook or twitter. The so called "friends" of yours is the problem. Or maybe even the "jew loving hipster" like You, is the core problem. Have a nice Day!

NorthernMonkey 2:44 pm, 16-Jul-2011

"morbid Monday morning laments; nervous breakdowns and cries for help; a place where the bastardisation of basic punctuation and grammar is endemic; an open forum for inane half-thoughts and vapid self-analysis." Wow, so you write like you've just snorted a thesaurus so obviously everyone else who writes on Facebook like they actually talk are brain dead morons?? The very fact that you NEED a better social network probably means that you bore people to death with your holier than thou preachings that much, nobody will actually speak to you in the real world. Sorry but some of the writers on here seriously need to chill out and stop thinking that because they can string together a few well constructed sentences and use some "cool" words they're better than everyone else because, and to coin a well used cliche, here's a newsflash, they're not. Oh, and for the record, if anyone has friends who actually DO jeer because they've joined some social network later than they have, they really need to get out more and find some new ones!

enkuneh 3:51 pm, 16-Jul-2011

being in motion of getting acceptance, it is nonsence to tell what is good for others

Abhijit Chanda 5:09 pm, 16-Jul-2011

Brilliantly written! But yeah, people will fuck Google+ up too. Just you wait and see.

Susan Suri 1:59 am, 17-Jul-2011

I feel bad for people who don't know how to delete the friends they don't want in twitter and in facebook. It is so easy all you do is delete the people you don't want to talk to and life shouldn't be that hard. To me facebook is my sanctuary, and at what point did any one not think your bosses will not look you up? Silly babies. . .dignity is more precious than anything else in life so when you want the world to look at you. . .how else would you want the world to get inspired?

Chris 5:01 am, 17-Jul-2011

Completely agree with Greg, the whole first point debunking Facebook is as if it's written by someone with far less knowledge of social networking sites than the author clearly possesses. Remove from newsfeed is so damn easy. Despite having a clear out of Facebook 'friends' recently, I still only have a small portion coming up on my newsfeed. A smaller portion still can see that I'm online and view my photos. That said I have Google+ too and may use it in the future. I can't use it if none of my friends do though, can I?

m3kw 6:50 am, 17-Jul-2011

remember to turn off re-share everytime you post, as people can reshare your 4am drinking escapade(s), just clikc that tiny down arrow next to every post. Google of course has incentive to turn on re-share by default as they want stuff to spread as fast and much as possible. Later on I do see an option to turn re-share off by default. Still, I'm sharing photos on a social network for the first time. I hate sharing any type of personal info on Facebook, they seem like fuking ass crooks.

Aseem 2:52 pm, 17-Jul-2011

Nice one but where is the +1 button dude? I think Google plus also gives people an opportunity to wipe their social networking slates clean and move to cleaner pastures. That's a huge "plus"

Bobby Dreamboat 6:04 pm, 17-Jul-2011

You need to get out more.

Jamie 9:32 am, 20-Jul-2011

My god this was brilliant. You don't understand the fucking idiotic, self-serving, pretetoius fucking 'be positive' prophetic Seth Godin fucks I have to put up with who are hogging my fb and twitter feeds. I thought I was the only one going through this. Social media dysfunction

Rooksby 9:58 pm, 21-Jul-2011

Gary, old chum, you sound EXACTLY like the kind of vacuous, app-obsessed, self-regarding knobhead that most reasonable folk definitely WOULDN'T tolerate as a "friend" on Facebook. Get a grip, you twerp... p.s. Send me a postcard or something, eh?

biff bifferson 3:39 pm, 25-Jul-2011

blimus! russ has nailed twitter there

Lia 12:38 am, 27-Jul-2011

Hugely entertaining, as are the comments. Let's get to the crux of your beef here though...you were a bit late joining the facebook

Lia 12:41 am, 27-Jul-2011

...new phone cont... Bandwagon so you want to be a front row ticket holder this time around... Any chance of a G+ invite?

Drift 1:54 pm, 27-Jul-2011

As happened with Friendster >> Facebook, all those idiots WILL migrate to Google + and we'll all be wondering where to go next. Ad infinitum. 'Popular' rarely means good.

edna 11:12 pm, 28-Jul-2011

I quit Google+. It sucked for me and that anyone can follow anyone without permission is ludicrous. Also, I signed up with an invite on my gmail acct. I couldn't get away from Google at all so as crappy as Facebook is,I'm staying there. Twitter makes me sick.

Johnny Two R's 11:38 pm, 28-Jul-2011

I've already quit the new social network that comes after Google+ because I don't know how to use it yet and it's probably going to be crap.

dAb 1:32 am, 3-Aug-2011

Gary, have you always been an anal-retentive twit? I've never read such a load of tripe. Ever.

tom 10:30 pm, 3-Aug-2011

Gary you sound exactly like the kind of retarded twat who made me avoid facebook all these years. My facebook is and always has been the pub. Having said that I'm happy to see the death of facebook and I hope this removes billions off Suckerberg's share issue.

Foxy Dread 3:34 pm, 28-Sep-2011

test

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