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Five Things We Learned From Wrestlemania 28

by Sam Diss
4 April 2012 15 Comments

The biggest night of the wrestling calendar came and went with memorable moments and many lame ducks. Today's WWE is in a state of turmoil, perfectly exhibited at Wrestlemania XXVIII.

Five things we learned from Wrestlemania 28

It can be a very frustrating existence, the life of a wrestling fan. When not defending giants fake-wailing on other giants in their underwear, there is always the sinking feeling that everything you knew and loved about the industry as a kid will be shat on by the powers that be. That being said, we wouldn’t go through all this if we didn’t love/like/accept wrestling (almost) unconditionally.

Here’s five things we learnt from Wrestlemania XXVIII (here-on to be referred to as WM).:

1.The Tag-Team title means nothing

Granted, it’s not like we didn’t already know this but the fact that the triple-threat tag-title match (a match variant that is pretty much impossible to fuck up) was relegated to a dark match. Plus the fact that Rosa Mendes “sex-all-up-in-yo’-face” dancing didn’t reach the millions (…and millions) of people in the television audience is a travesty of Arrested Development cancellation proportions.

2.WWE gives zero fucks about the World Heavyweight Championship.

Think about it: the World Heavyweight Title; the go-to reference point for the dreams of millions. The iconic Big Gold Belt, instantly recognisable for generations, has been relegated to a prop to be passed around and disrespected like a crappy ten-bag or medieval harlot.

Royal Rumble winning redhead Sheamus (he’s Oirsh, din’t ya know, laddy!) squashed the oft-lamentable, occasionally-right IWC’s golden boy, Daniel Bryan in eighteen seconds. One move. That was it. That’s not the way to open a show and that’s not how to treat a wrestler of Bryan’s calibre.

I’m not sure if it’s the belt’s reference to “Championship” and the still-tentative-relations between the former state of WCW and the current staff (no other title is referred to as the “championship”) but it certainly got a pasting last night.

3. WWE may well have a weird ethnic prejudice thing going on

The Usos and the off-brand Mexicools (Epico & Primo) being relegated to warm-up acts is an unfortunate (if understandable) situation but combine that with the fact that the only other non-Caucasian wrestlers on show were in a comic-relief battle royal that also featured a midget, a “hoeski”, a seven-foot tall Indian guy who can’t wrestle and a guy who keeps a cobra in his pants then it starts to make you feel uneasy.

Now, liberal I may be, but it seems to me that black guys on the roster only have two characters: “Scary Black” and “Funny Black”. Factor in that the “funny” black guy face’s gimmicks are R-Truth’s borderline-racist “ign’ant field-hand” character and Booker T’s “Bookerisms” (“Shucky-ducky, quack quack”, anyone?) then it can leave a strange taste in the mouth.

With all that being said, I wholly condone prejudice against Teddy Long on account of him being a fucking idiot.

4. From horrible, horrible promos decent matches can grow

HHH and The Undertaker are the only two marquee idols left from the Attitude era and, by God, if they don’t let you forget it. After six weeks of boring, half-hour-going-on-forever long promos about “This business…” and “End of an era” and “I don’t want to end your career!” bullshit platitudes, I was ready to forsake their entire WM match. The fact that H melodramatically called for a Hell in a Cell stip on the match was a major selling-point for many but the smarter among you would know that the gimmick matches involve less actual wrestling and more Exciting Moments™ and lying on the floor.

What we ended up with was actually a pretty good match (or as good as two wrestlers nearing fifty can do). It was the same finisher-fest we saw last year but the outcome was genuinely surprising. The more jaded among us (me) expected Hunter to win, to end the streak because rampant backstage egotism and nepotism wins out over legacies every time. Except Taker won. He was sprightly and, sporting a new skin-head look, he looked up for it (with the added bonus of Shawn Michaels, the greatest of all time, as a special guest referee providing pathos and ZOMG background-faces, abundantly).

5. Wrestling will kill all your heroes

This much we should all know. Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Sting; pretty much anyone who was involved in WCW, fat Mick Foley and now The Rock; the (Scorpion) king of crappy action movies and malleable brow.

He came back last year, it was fine. He came back this year, meaning business, butchering promos, challenging Cena at every-turn. His hash-tag fetishism was apropos for a company whose increasing social network awareness is reaching its zenith. Cena came out on top in every promo, debunking The Rock’s swagger, and name-checking his writers, calling out his cue cards.

The match itself, set since last Wrestlemania, in a stunningly dickish bait-and-switch build, was anti-climactic. The ending was strong but the damage had been done early, with a puffing Rock needing a Cena bear-hug every five minutes to stop him from keeling over right there and then.

In the end Rocky won, countering a Cena’s People’s Elbow with a Rock Bottom in a fun-if-predictable spot, but lasting damage will be felt. John Cena has been the company superman for ten years and his being beaten by an out-of-shape, retired wrestler sends the whole thing into tumult. This could end up being a good thing, though I doubt it. Cena could finally officially turn heel and WWE could finally excise all of the dead wood it’s been carrying since the nineties. Out of the embers could rise a better product, “Could” being the operative word. Besides, being the jaded wrestling fan on the internet is nothing if not fun.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Robert 10:21 am, 4-Apr-2012

An article about 'wrestlemania'. Seriously?

Sam Diss 12:13 pm, 4-Apr-2012

Considering it is a well known and well-watched cultural event, I say shut up Bob.

Anom 12:51 pm, 4-Apr-2012

You shouldn't steal formats from the Guardian website.

Kyle 12:54 pm, 4-Apr-2012

Shut up robert, I enjoyed Wrestlemania this year (we have a tradition where me and 4 of my mates get very drunk whilst putting little wagers on who we think is going to win) but I have one question, what the hell was that musical skit involving the guys mum and her bridge club? I had no clue what was going on.

Ste 1:35 pm, 4-Apr-2012

Possibly worth pointing out that the 18 second match has inadvertently done more for Daniel Bryan than if he'd won in 18 seconds. The reaction through the rest of the night, and particularly on Raw, was something nobody expected two days prior. Yes! Yes! Yes!

MacAsk 3:20 pm, 4-Apr-2012

The previous 'Legend vs Legend' (Rock vs Hogan) match-up at Wrestlemania was handled perfectly. The unwritten rule has always been that a returning hero can't beat a current star. I don't know where this leaves Cena now. The only way they should have had him lose the match is by either Rock turning heel (unlikely) and cheating (in turn possibly improving Cena's overall support) to win or by Cena turning heel (a role that his detractors would probably embrace anyway). Also - they need to get rid of the World Heavyweight Championship. It's irrelevant. But, the roster, particularly Smackdown's, is quite poor. They should possibly consider amalgamating the entire roster back again.

Kyle 3:39 pm, 4-Apr-2012

The Rock was never gonna lose though, he is a big star (and sure brought a big following) he wouldn't of come back unless he was gonna win, especially considering it was in Miami (his home town). However it will be interesting if Brock Lesnar comes back and does exactly what The Rock did (start a rivalry and defeat him at Wrestlemania 29) then this would show the current lack of respect WWE has for the current roster.

Jake 5:32 pm, 4-Apr-2012

" the fact that the only other non-Caucasian wrestlers on show were in a comic-relief battle royal" Oh, and the freaking main event.

Sam Diss 8:07 pm, 4-Apr-2012

Oops, I did have an aside about he being the only ethnic marquee star of recent years but it was excised. But in the end, pretty sure Rocky transcends race and disappoints the world equally.

Terry 9:26 pm, 4-Apr-2012

Sam you make a good point about race. Lets not forget that The Rock used to be in The Nation of Domination - a stupid racial group if there ever was one. His talent shone thorugh and you can keep work like his down. Any one of colour is a dumb shit - just look at the del rio treament - 'eh amigo' cena, punk et al. Any back to mania. Taker/HHH was great, Rock/Cena was an okay match all things considered, but Rocky blew up bad torwards the end. The big news was lesnar and him kicking the shit out of his hat! Lastly: YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!

Terry 9:35 pm, 4-Apr-2012

Oh yeah Robert - Tutti Khala

YOU DONT APPRECIATE GOOD WRESTLING 12:33 am, 5-Apr-2012

So i see your one of those people who expected a full on fight for The Rock and Cena match. But what you don't realize is that these are two of the best wrestlers of their generation and if you have them both just going at it, it would be like any other wrestling match. This was a proper match. You suck. And just like Terry. YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!

Jack 1:38 am, 5-Apr-2012

You bunch of sad cunny's. Especially Kyle and his four crazy friends. Its not real.

Kyle 11:19 am, 5-Apr-2012

Jack your girlfriend isn't real but you still lube your little dick up and slip it right into that plastic coating. Yeah Wrastling isn't real but it is by far the best soap opera around, and that's why I will always watch it.

daron 9:11 am, 25-Jan-2013

the rock is not out of shape.

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