I'm three months into a shitty period of celibacy and seem to have gone a bit mental. I'm even starting to get moist at the site of tall buildings...
I don’t keep a diary. Thank god.
If I kept a diary I could skip back a few pages and actually see when the last time I had sex was and I would see that it probably wasn’t that long ago. Without a diary and with my terrible sense of time, I’d say two or maybe nearly three months. Thinking about it, that can’t be right. Meh.
This is a list of five slightly strange things that have turned me on recently due to my celibacy and will probably be the very thing that makes me jump on some poor guy when I simply cannot take it anymore….
1) Eye f**king.
Usually this pisses me off but recently I have been doing it back and it’s ridiculously fun.
The most fun is when you do it to people on the opposite escalators on the underground.
(You know exactly what I mean)
2) Large buildings.
In no way is this that strange inanimate object fetish. More the guys who are super powerful who work in them and the little pencil skirt women. Basically that film secretary played in my mind as I sat on a bus driving through Bank and now big important buildings make me horny.
3) When the Hillary’s blind man came round
I had a long t-shirt on with knickers. For some reason I didn’t put anything else on. My hair was still in a side ponytail from the night before and I stood painting my nails in the kitchen while he worked. This was perfect porno material and we both knew it. I should have gone for it. I could be writing the story for one of those middle-aged woman magazines where they only dream of f**king the Hillary’s blinds man in their marital homes… next time.
4) Naked reading
I have no idea. I just have become a nudist since moving into my own flat. My favourite thing to do is read a book and eat an apple whilst some loud opera is playing. It’s a good look… well I hope someone is looking anyway.
5) NOT having sex.
This one is annoying. Going out for drinks with someone then saying goodnight is pretty much what I’m moaning about in the first place, but because nothing happens I get way more excited thinking about when it actually will happen. What the f**k is that all about! So I just go home, watch terrible things of my laptop and get more frustrated.
I guess I’m doomed!