Tottenham Hotspur need to ship out all of our strikers and start again – they were collectively hopeless last season. And I’ve heard of potential spending of £50m, £60m, £70m. All nonsense, of course.

It’s the silly season in football – do you love it or hate it?

Hate it. In one mental ward you’ve got Dalglish paying £20m for Downing; in another City are preparing to spunk multi-millions on whichever superstar they want, when their Sheik chappy might just as well go out and buy trophies direct off Blatter and cut out the middle man (the game of football) altogether. Then again, you have Arsenal in all sorts of disarray so there is a bright side. Meanwhile in actual North London, I’ve just watched us lose in injury time to the Kaizer Chiefs and heard familiar names such as Crouch, Jenas, Pavlyuchenko, Corluka, when I’d hoped they might have moved on. I cannot f*cking stand Pavlyuchenko, who inevitably had a shocker. Modric wasn’t even on the bench, supposedly a bad ankle.

This summer what are you hoping to read every time you check your club news each morning?

I’m catatonically bored of reading about Luka bleeding Modric. He will leave; he won’t leave. He won’t hand in a transfer request; he will. He had a cordial meeting with that nice Mr Levy; actually Mr Levy did a poo in the teapot and Luka wept quietly in a cupboard. Enough. I honestly believed that Modric had some loyalty in him. Naïve, perhaps. If he wants so badly to bank the Abramovich rouble then let him go. Obviously, I hope otherwise from our Player of the Season. I just dearly wish to read that all the bullsh*t has ceased.

What do you inevitably end up reading instead?

The teapot/cupboard stuff.

I remember reading one summer that we were hoping to sign Michael Ricketts – that’s how desperate it’s been. The bad old days. Long gone. We trust.

Got much cash in the kitty?

We’re certainly not the worst off nor the worst financially managed club in the Premiership, and I’ve read of potential spending of £50m, £60m, £70m. All b*llocks, of course.

Hulking midfielder? Tricky winger? Big b*stard defender? What types of players would you like to sign this summer?

Ship out all our strikers and start again – they were collectively hopeless last season. If they’d managed even ten each we’d have sailed into the CL. I don’t care who we sign, just as long as they can actually kick the bouncy round thing into the netty bit.

What types of player will you end up signing instead? An U21 Moldovan left back instead of Spanish international forward perhaps?

I trust Harry to bring in the right people – many would disagree – though I’d avoid referring to him as a wheeler-dealer. I remember reading one summer that we were hoping to sign Michael Ricketts – that’s how desperate it’s been. The bad old days. Long gone. We trust.

Who wants to leave the club and what’s your attitude towards them?

Sigh.

Who has been the biggest tosser of this transfer window?

I’ll let you know when the saga concludes. Failing that, the lot of them.

Reckon you’ll be stronger or weaker next season?

Stronger. Anything else would be madness.

Any other news?

I hope Walker gets the right back gig – I rate neither Hutton nor Corluka – and that we see more of Danny Rose.

What has been the best ever bit of business your club did in the transfer window?

Didn’t someone buy Ginger Pele off us?

And the worst?

We must have bought him in the first place.

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