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Big Grant Holt got the winner for Norwich against QPR this afternoon. Bet he celebrates with a pie and a pint or seven...
Big Grant Holt got the winner for Norwich against QPR this afternoon. Bet he celebrates with a pie and a pint or seven…
Crystal Palace’s Neil Shipperley, Norwich City’s Grant Holt, John Parkin at Cardiff City… let’s hear if for those centre-forwards of the modern game with turning circles of Canterbury Cathedral….
There must exist – in some statistician’s mind – the concept of the perfect football match. Eleven of the best players on earth in one team pitted against another equally matched outfit. Each of the 22 players would be at their physical and mental peak. The managers will be the best the world has to offer too. Both team’s managers will aggregate every tiny advantage over their opponent through strict training, diet, technique, mentality and strategy. Twenty two men representing the nearest Earth has to perfection battling it out over 90 minutes. Well, if this spectacle ever does come to a TV screen anytime soon, count me out. I’d rather watch Grant Holt huffing and puffing for Norwich City.
February, 26, 2011 and Grant Holt is partnering tiny Wes Hoolahan up front at a Norwich City away game at Barnsley. The pair look like they’re playing in a father-and-son side. Wes is petite, his frame as feeble as a matchstick model of a Victorian orphan. Holt on the other hand is a walrus of a man. Holt’s giant head has proper cheeks and a discernible under-chin. The yellow number nine shirt looks like a stab-proof vest. The Barnsley fans mock the big man’s physique by lifting their shirts and patting their equally ample bellies. Holt just laughs and rips Barnsley to pieces.
Norwich City’s Grant Holt is not the quickest player alive but what he lacks in speed he more than makes up for in guile. Barnsley nervously encircle him like the dogs of a Russian townsfolk waiting for Grizzly to dance. However, Holt pays no mind and wins it in the air and on the ground. He gets into dangerous positions. He has a couple of pops. He stands firm and holds up the ball. When Holt runs, defenders know he could go to ground as, like a grand piano falling down a flight of stairs, he genuinely can’t stop. He pulls them all over the pitch creating space for Hoolahan, Lansbury and Crofts. For 90 minutes Holt is a constant distraction to the Barnsley defence and a god to the Norwich fans.
Sightings of the big beefy centre forward have not been that common over the last couple of seasons. Yes, there are still tall, muscley strikers who can stick the odd elbow out, but we’re talking about the big dogs here, the glorious pub-style athletes with some serious junk in their trunks. We’re talking Grant Holt.
Now, it used to be that centre halves were the HGVs of the team, but recent years has seen a trimmer, leaner gamekeeper perfectly able to keep up in this Michael Owen era of nippiness, constant practice and precision strikes. Gone are the days of Razor Ruddock moving across the pitch like a Mississippi Steamer. Midfielders are more agile now, too. Could the human bouncy castle that was Jan Molby survive in the modern game?
Michael Owen spent his childhood repeatedly kicking a tennis ball against the garage door for hours on end and eventually his mindless, repetitive practice paid off. Give me the lazy, crazy genius of Gazza and Maradona any day.
However, the larger man up front could actually be due a renaissance. With defenders having to watch their every move, a player as clumsy as Grant Holt has a much greater chance of squeaking a spot kick (which Holt regularly does much to Neil Warnock’s chagrin); and the ref certainly won’t lose sight of the lard arse in a tangle of legs. Holding up the ball, fending players off, there are definite advantages to his game and the most powerful shots ever recorded are nearly always attributed to an XXL.
There are still a few jelly bellies around. There’s John Parkin at Cardiff who scored a cracker against the Canaries this year and his former Bluebirds team mate Michael Chopra who looks like he enjoys a McFlurry or two at half time, but the pot-bellied bag buster does seem to heading towards history as a crumb-covered relic of a bygone age. A sad fact that could ultimately be to the detriment of the game.
Gazza wasn’t loved because he was good, he was loved because he good – and as fit as a butcher’s dog. We loved him because he defied logic. How can someone upholstered like Alan Sugar’s boardroom chair play such sweet football? Indeed, the lump up front’s most important gift to us is that sense of carnival. The pantomime which pits the athlete against the ‘bloke’.
Michael Owen spent his childhood repeatedly kicking a tennis ball against the garage door for hours on end, day after day and eventually his mindless, repetitive practice paid off and we were treated to one of the most charmless, automatons of the modern game. Give me the lazy, crazy genius of Gazza and Maradona any day.
As players lose the pounds, we’re losing a lot more besides. We’re losing football as theatre. We’re just giving way to science and the notion of ‘perfection’. Is football edging towards athletics and its empty seats, split-second tedium and polite applause? “You thin b*stard!” is not an even faintly amusing chant unless you’re at a Spice Girls gig. “Who ate all the muesli bars!?” is equally lacking in verve.
It will be a sad day when the last of the big men up front are finally phased out, and the ripped rule the plains forever more. Kids of the future will flick through archived j-pegs of Cardiff’s Parkin and Holt and gasp that these lardy lumps were still being allowed to play professional football during this millennium. Grandfather might nod his head and tut, but deep down inside Gramps will know that something has been lost. That perfection is not always beguiling.
The Barnsley fans mock the big man’s physique by lifting their shirts and patting their equally ample bellies. Holt just laughs and rips Barnsley to pieces.
Neil Shipperly, Crystal Palace
Surprisingly mobile for a wide load ‘Big Fat Ships’ was a consistent and well-loved player at most of his many clubs. By the time he got to Palace in 2007 however he did look like a med-addicted escapee from a local loony bin, but still the fans loved him.
Hot Shot Hamish, Princes Park
With the most powerful shot in the world, giant Hebredean striker HSH (from Scorcher and later Roy Of The Rovers) was a maverick who lived in a caravan with his pet sheep McMutton. The fact his shirts could never quite cover his gut mattered not a jot to Hamish, as he broke goalposts with his (hot) shots.
Bob Latchford, Birmingham City, Everton
The archetypal aggressor the Birmingham City/Everton hitman had a phenomenal strike rate. At Everton, the big fella bagged 138 in 268 appearances. When Latchford rushed to the crowed as he celebrated his equaliser for Everton against West Ham in the 1980 FA Cup Semi Final replay, it looked like the big man was going to pull the perimeter fence out from its very foundations.
Micky Quinn, Coventry City
“He’s fat, he’s round, he scores on every ground,” sang Coventry fans as the Mighty Quinn set the inaugural Premiership alight in 1992 by claiming ten goals in his first six games. The only player that has admitted to scoring with his penis, the mustachioed Micky, with a gut like a medicine ball, defied all modern sports science by scoring 228 times in 515 games.
Billy Whitehurst
Known to the Hull faithful as Billy ‘Tightshirt’ one fan described the former bricklayer’s performances as ‘90 minutes of blood, thunder, brute force and mayhem’. Whitehurst was a real firebrand, and was once rumoured to be supplementing his wages at Oxford United by engaging in bare-knuckle fighting with local gypsies. You can’t imagine Theo Walcott doing that.
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COMMENTS
Saw John Parkin at Stoke - he is actually a very talented footballer - just too fat and lazy to ever make it at the highest level.
Leon Clarke deserves an honourable mention. When asked what he liked best about being a footballer, he paused, reflected and answered "You get the afternoons off"
When football was innocent... Sweet!
Shipperley's always been big boned, and always had a decent record against us, but I couldn't believe the size of him when he rolled up (literally) to Valley Parade a couple of seasons ago for Brentford. It looked like he'd eaten the rest of the Sheffield United squad before moving to Griffin Park. http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/41608_2242641907_6644_n.jpg .......Adebayo Akinfenwa is another, the size of a rugby league player but without the ability to run, or score goals. Just waddles around upfront http://images.teamtalk.com/08/09/800x600/AdebayoAkinfenwa2Northam_1204947.jpg ........ As for none strikers... Andy Morrison ex dog botherers and Blackpool ...... Jim Bentley at Morecambe ..... And there must be something about Morecambe and the dog shaggers because Danny Adams was a fat bastard as well.
i suppose in some ways goalkeepers should have an exemption but props to Big Nev and of course the OG, Fatty Foulke. Check out google images of him. A man mountain at 6 and a half feet and 22 stone - in his playing days.
Fatty footballers are going out of fashion, but there's something comforting that there are still players like Andy Reid about plying their trade at the highest level. Once saw him play for Sunderland at Portsmouth and we were all laughing that someone so porky could play in the Premiership. Honestly, 99 per cent of Blue Square South I've seen over last few seasons are slimmer than Reidy. Peach of a left foot, mind. Like a bleedin' wand.
The boy Holt is a true legend and long may he continue to draw defenders into rash tackles
Top read. I used to love Bolton's Tony Kelly, a legend at Burnden Park in the early 1990s – voted the Trotters' 34th greatest ever player in a club poll and memorably described as a "silky skilled fat man".
I remember Micky Quinn actually jumping off the ground to score a fantastic volley against the Villa at Highfield Road back in 1993. That was the game he became a true Sky Blue legend - 2 goals in a 3-0 win against the Vile.
We fucking love Grant Holt! Got skills for a big lad. There is nothing more rewarding for a footballer than to be hated by Neil Warnock, there should be a little award. Hope the Canaries go up - would love to see Holty in the Prem.
"Grant Holt has a much greater chance of squeaking a spot kick (which Holt regularly does much to Neil Warnock’s chagrin);" Think he's actually only won one this season.
No Dean Windass? the guy is a legend!!!!
matt le tissier. big fat lazy legend
Grant Holt, what a player, can shoot with either foot, great header of the ball and causes opposing defences to panic when he heads into the penalty area He is also the hardest working player at Norwich in defence as well as attack. Long may he reign at Norwich city. We love him.
As a Leeds fan, I'd say Holt and Hoolahan are two of the best players I've see outside of the Premiership. Holt never seems to stop looking for goals and Hoolahan is like having a dog on the pitch.
I should also throw in the name of Frank Strandli. Frank arrived at Elland Road in the early 90s as Norway Under 21 captain or something and left with a 14% share holding in Flying Pizza. He actually once scored with his arse in front of the South Stand. The wingers said it gave them something to play off.
Watching Jackie Gallagher play for Wolves was like watching Les Dawson play for Wolves - but without the mother-in-law jokes.
Good article, wish you put in some links so we could all laugh at the fat masters.
D Dunn is still doing it for Blackburn despite his chip butty diet..........never plays the full 90 mins though. The Yak, now at Leicester City, has never knowlingly refused a calorie infused meal. No mention of Sammy Lee, Gerry Francis, Neil Webb, John Robertson et al, all masters in their day.
There's also Werder Bremen's plump Brazilian, Ailton: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfjoEg1oOw4
Wolves' Sylvan Ebanks-Blake is not lacking in the 'trunk full of junk' department'. Lethal finisher, of chances and dinners alike. Also a shout out for Warren Aspinall - pie-eater extraordinaire..
In an FA Cup match between Gravesend & Northfleet and Notts County, the rather portly 'Fleet goalkeeper injured himself diving for a shot and had to be replaced by a far slimmer substitute 'keeper. The County fans behind the goal actually did launch into chants of "you thin bastard" and "who ate all the salad"
Mark Yardley, former Albion Rovers 'target-man'.....google him to see what I mean (wide-screen laptop needed)
no mention of Tomas Brolin - he was a porker at Leeds
It wasn't Hot Shot Hamis who was fat. He was cut from marble. You're thinking of Mighty Mouse, his team mate with the fat gut and NHS glasses..
Paul Moody and Rob Duffy are the two lumbering Oxford strikers that come to mind. Moody was a legend for us in the mid/late 90's, such a fantastic centre forward for a big bloke.
Akinfenwa is the fattest player I've ever seen. Dainty skills for such a fat man, though. Somehow reminded me of Cee-Lo Green.
At Ewood, David Dunn indeed, but no mention of Kevin Davies (who since leaving us somehow transformed himself into a lithe England hopeful) or the fans favourite... Mr Simon Garner
Thomas Brolin anyone?
"The only player that has admitted to scoring with his penis" Not entirely true. Zander Diamond did the same for Aberdeen against Rangers a few years back. I believe the Sun's headline at the time was "Cock of the North"...
Being a Cov fan and going regularly during Mickey "Sumo" Quinn's heyday i have to say he was a fantastic specimen. The sight of him defying gravity jumping for a header (he one 1 in 2 seasons) was a sight to behold. Much loved by every Cov fan, The Mighty Quinn couldn't run, couldn't beat anyone with pace, had no tricks, and hopeless in the air. All he did was put the ball in the net on a frequent basis, and i'd prefer that to some silky skilled forward who only scores 5 a season. Mark Hateley's return to Cov whilst playing for QPR was good for a giggle too.
With Maarten Stekelenburg out for the rest of the season with a broken thumb and back-up goalie also injured, Ajax (in the Dutch top league) turn to third man ... Jeroen Verhoeven ... in goal. http://www.vi.nl/Spelers/Speler/Jeroen-Verhoeven.htm From what I've seen of him at Volendam something tells me Ajax have put their title hopes on the back burner ... if you though Seaman couldn't get off the ground check this guy out ...
"Pan Pizza"
@ James. I have it on pretty good authority that the Leeds players used to call Frank Strandli, "Frank Scandalous"
deep pan, peeeeza
Cheer up Woodsy
not a striker I know but seeing weeble Andy Reid come on for Blackpool against Arsenal on Sunday was an inspiration for any footballer whose shirt size is 'Dart Player'.
Don't forget adebayo akinfenwa of Northampton. That guy is a unit!!
Sylvain Ebanks-Cake? Plus Antonio Cassano said something like "when i retire i just want to eat - i want to get fat. Really really fat". P.s. The headline is AMAZING
Mark Yardley was brilliant but he wasn't the greatest fatty we've had at Cowdenbeath. That honour goes to Peter 'Sumo' Lamont. He might have been a fat, lazy shit but the overhead kick he scored against Stenhousemuir was the best goal I've ever seen.
At our u16's end of season presentation, the club got Jon Parkin to hand out the trophies. He had to put down both his pints to shake our hands and hand out the trophies. Also, whilst on-loan at Barnsley, Chopra used to keep a bottle of Coke at the side of the pitch.
I propose you have a 'I hate Andrew Woods'article on Sabotage Times for taking the piss out of Grant Holt.The guy's a legend (not you Woods).The only problem is that it would be neither amusing,clever or interesting . . . . coincidentally much like yours.
Harsh, Totty, esp as Woodsy is a Canary. Chill out, brother.
Can I write the 'I hate Andrew Woods' article? - btw Grant loved the piece when he was first sent it last year
Tomas 'Fatboy' Brolin from Palace; now that was a fat waddling striker
Holty had his usual half time cow pie and when Lambert gave the nod, he chugged onto the pitch with Wesley tucked under his bingo winged arm to score the winner! Wanker, the panto dame of Shepherds Bush failed to ruin princess Delias day.
SABOTAGE
