Newcastle United End Of Season Report

A new number 9, European football and THE goal of the season. This season has been ridiculous, please don’t wake me up!

The ‘I f*cking love this game’ highlight of the season?

Ben Arfa’s goal against Bolton. It was one of those moments you pay your season ticket money to see, from the first touch that put Ricketts on his arse to the understated way he celebrated. We’re suckers for flare players at Newcastle – add him to the list of Len Shackleton, Terry Hibbert, Gazza and Tino Asprilla.

The season ticket shredding moment?

I can honestly say we haven’t had one which is just as well because we have plastic season cards at Newcastle and they’d be very hard to shred.

Moment that just about summed it all up?

Shola’s equaliser against the mackems. After some solid team performances it looked like we’d let the occasion get to us. But after 12 inconsistent years in black and white our favourite adopted Geordie looks to have finally found his call in life: impact sub / mackem slayer. For all his misgivings Shola has consistently tormented Sunderland and if he can maintain a degree of mobility there’s no reason why he can’t continue in his new role for the next ten years. The week before, at home to Wolves, a point had been met with utter disdain but we celebrated this draw like 50,000 lottery winners.

Got the right manager?

Too right. Uncle Pards is Manager of the Year and our longest serving manager in the last 15 years, after Sir Bobby.

Player of the season?

Very tough call but I’d say Coloccini narrowly pips Tim Krul. He’s been pretty much faultless and has turned into a quietly reassuring captain. And yes, I would let him shag my wife.

What would you change next term if you were the gaffer?

Set pieces. We NEVER score from them. More threat from corners and free kicks would make a big difference and give us a plan B.

My sides are still hurting from looking across and seeing Jose Enrique in goal for Liverpool after Pepe Riena had been sent off

Which player would you like to sign?

Junior Holiett and / or Adam Johnson would fit in nicely on the left side of our front three in place of Ba who I think we might lose in the summer.

Best goal?

Cisse’s second against Chelsea – absolutely outrageous.

Biggest tosser?

Lee Cattermole wasn’t the most popular man in Newcastle before this season but smashing up cars in the city centre, scything down Tiote in the first few seconds of the Derby then getting sent off after the final whistle didn’t exactly do him any PR favours.

Best away pub?

A few of us enjoyed some pre-match beers in The Cavern Club before our final game against Everton recently. Can’t Buy Me Love came on the jukebox and I couldn’t help think of Kenny Dalglish.

Best pie?

There’s one called a ‘Mag-pie’ at the ground but the contents are hotter than Hades and you don’t get much change from a fiver.

Best chant?

“You paid for his flight x 2

You sad mackem bastards,

You paid for his flight”

Sung in response to the rumour Sunderland actually paid for Papiss Cisse’s flight from Senegal to the North East in January, only for him to sign for us. You couldn’t make it up.

Player’s tweet of the season?

Not big tweeters our lot, however, there is a spoof Pardew account @I_am_Pards which is not for the faint hearted.

Best laugh you had all season?

My sides are still hurting from looking across and seeing Jose Enrique in goal for Liverpool after Pepe Riena had been sent off and Liverpool had used all their subs. “Jose Enrique, we’re in the top five!”

How do you plan to get through the summer without football?

Hopefully by watching a busy transfer window that sees us bringing in the kind of exciting young players who gave us a season to remember last time out.

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