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Ricky Gervais’ Leaked Golden Globes Script

by Jaguar Hearse
15 January 2012 20 Comments

Possibly found round the back of an In n' Out burger joint in Malibu, here's what Ricky Gervais will allegedly say at the Globes...

Ricky Gervais Golden Globes 2012

(Applause. Long shot. Then close shot of Ricky Gervais at podium.)

Hello. Hello. Thank you. And welcome.

Welcome to the Golden Globes. Which Hugh Hefner had to explain to his young wife is not an awards ceremony for the Most Tanned Breasts. Bless her. But then she also thought that Wikileaks was a website listing all the places in LA that Charlie Sheen has urinated in public.

Though there is actually a Wikipedia page about that. But it isn’t very comprehensive. I noticed there’s no mention of the time that I was in The Ivy in Beverly Hills and Charlie staggered in and used the emptying of his bladder into the fish tank as the way of indicating exactly which lobster he wanted. Yeah, apparently he wanted the yellow one….

Yes, this is the Golden Globes’ 69th year! Amazing. To think that the awards first began in 1943 – four years into the Second World War and three years after Cher graduated. No, come on, be fair, she’s great for her age. But then anyone who’s still alive at ninety and not defecating through a hole in a chair is doing great for their age.

Thanks. You know you’re doing well with a Hollywood crowd when you can hear the collective strain on the Botox. Actually, I do have Botox myself. Just before the show I have it injected directly into my heart so that I don’t feel anything….. about any of you.

Though, funnily enough, it can’t stop my undying love for George Clooney. And 2011’s been a good year for George – nominated twice. Well done. He’s also one of the few actors who doesn’t lower himself to doing adverts… in America. No, he goes off to do them in Japan instead.

Hey, George, a bit of a heads-up – WE CAN STILL SEE YOU. It’s called the WORLD Wide Web for a reason. Think it through, mate.

(And, by the way, George, Hugh Hefner’s asked if you could get him some of those incontinence pants you advertise… but in silk.)

Before we go on – and before I forget – I’ve got a message here to read out from the rest of the Hollywood community to Sharon Osbourne: ‘Dear Sharon, could you please leave some Botox for the rest of us’. I agree, don’t overdo it, Sharon. Remember, your arse is supposed to have a crease in it.

Come to think of it, I could never understand why Sharon was ever a judge on America’s Got Talent – how can you trust the judgement of someone who thinks it’s a good idea to put Ozzy Osbourne’s cock in their mouth?

But you do love your cosmetic surgery here in America, don’t you? If Joan Rivers has one more facelift her gynaecologist will begin her examination by saying, ‘Open wide and say ahhh….’

Speaking of repulsive twats, Mel Gibson got divorced this year. Now, as a Roman Catholic, strictly speaking Mel isn’t allowed to get divorced. But he did get special dispensation from the Vatican because the Pope thought, well, we supported the Nazis in World War Two so in for a penny

But it’s also been a great year for Hollywood to disprove the theory that it’s dumbing down… by having in the top ten most successful films of 2011 The Smurfs and Kung Fu Panda 2! Well done there. Good work. Particularly on The Smurfs. Yeah, always good to see a dwarf version of Avatar.

Though originality is still alive and well in Hollywood, as proved by the fact that 2011 saw the release of (count ’em) twenty-eight sequels. That’s more sequels than in any other single year! Not to worry, though. To combat that, a major new film has just been announced: Two Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.

Starring Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey jnr.

Sorry. Sorry, I really should leave those two guys alone, shouldn’t I?
I mean who else am I gonna score crack from backstage? What!? It’s a joke! They never have any left to sell, obviously… be realistic…

And nice to see that Woody Allen and Roman Polanski are back on form with Midnight in Paris and Carnage. Both great directors. Both not so great babysitters. Oh come on, admit it, you’re all thinking it – you wouldn’t risk it, would you? Who wants to come home and find their goldfish crying and their Labrador on the bed wearing suspenders?

But both of their films were a bit disappointing, I thought. Midnight in Paris was not about Woody’s date with one of the Hilton sisters. And Carnage, no, listen – Carnage - surprisingly, wasn’t a film shot from the point-of-view of Ton Cruise’s proctologist.

So, huge disappointment, there… a huge opening missed…

I really do think that producer’s should think very carefully before they title a film, so as not to disappoint people. For example, the film 50/50 wasn’t actually about the chances of Donald Trump’s comb-over surviving Hurricane Irene; The Hangover 2 wasn’t about the portion of John Travolta’s stomach that won’t fit in his underpants; and the new Mission Impossible wasn’t about the attempt to get Lindsay Lohan to end of the year without contracting an STD.

So, yes: shocked, disappointed, let down. Just three of the things I had to pretend to be.

Okay, on with the show!

(cut)

Now, as your next presenter, please welcome the only man in Hollywood who was butch enough to marry Madonna, Sean Penn!

(cut)

Our next presenters are the woman with the million-dollar smile and the man with the five-dollar haircut – Julia Roberts and Woody Harrelson!

(cut)

Next up we have the couple who prove that a twenty-two year age difference is no barrier to love… but a great reason to buy lots of Viagra and lubricant – Harrison Ford and Calista Flockheart.

(cut)

It’s okay, I’ve got a getaway car waiting outside with the engine running. Fingers crossed Tiger Woods isn’t driving.

I think we should take the time here to send out a big ‘thank you’ to all the unheralded but necessary work carried out behind-the-scenes by all the builders, prop shifters and joiners who every year devote so much time to Nicholas Cage’s hair.

So, big thank you there. ‘Cos those wind machines are getting stronger.

Okay, now welcome a man who proves what a complete coward I am by the fact that I’m not saying anything about him whatsoever, Mickey Rourke.

(cut)

Has he gone? Good. Actually, I do love Mickey’s work. Especially the way the stitches are hidden behind the ears.

It’s okay, I’ve got a getaway car waiting outside with the engine running. Fingers crossed Tiger Woods isn’t driving.

Anyway, great to hear that Jennifer Anniston’s next rom-com is going to be directed by Quentin Tarrantino. Apparently it’s entitled Get Me to the Freaking Church on Time, Bitch Tits. And here’s the man himself, Quentin Tarrantino.

(cut)
My absolute favourite film of last year was the one about the voices in Christopher Walken’s head – Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. And here’s the man himself, the hair-raising Christopher Walken!

Sad news this year when we heard that Cheetah, the famous chimpanzee from the Tarzan movies, had died. Not many people know this but in later life Cheetah turned his back on his belief in the theory of evolution because, as he said, he couldn’t bare the thought that he was related to George Bush. Though Cheetah said he was finally forced to except that we did share a common ancestor when he saw photos of Robin Williams naked.

And here he is, son of Cheetah – the fantastic Robin Williams!

(cut)

Our next presenters are a woman who is the star of such Google Image searches as ‘Cameron Diaz bikini’, ‘Cameron Diaz hot’ and ‘Cameron Diaz mouth shut’; and an actor who is master of many accents, all of them in the wrong films – Cameron Diaz and Keanu Reeves.

(cut)

As a believer in the dispassionate enquiry of science, I’ve been disappointed to see the continued belief in Creationism. Creationists believe that the earth is only 10,000 years old. Rubbish. There are episodes of I Love Lucy that are older than that! And carbon dating proves that the hair used to make Burt Reynolds wig is even older – from a woolly mammoth, in fact.

And if you want to argue there’s such a thing as Intelligent Design, I’ve just got two words for you: ‘Sarah’. ‘Palin’. So that’s that theory screwed then. And, speak of the Devil, presenting our next award… no, actually it’s Satan. Only kidding, it’s the next best thing, Jack Nicholson!

(cut)

So as another monumentally draining session of interminable self-congratulatory back-slapping draws to a close – and that’s just on Eddie Murphy’s couch at home – let’s all take the time to pretend to care about the people in our industry who very sadly left us this year… and appeared only in films that went straight to DVD. The poor bastards. I mean what could be worse? Okay, appearing in theatre’s worse, granted, I mean who does that? It’s not real acting. There’s no catering, for a start. Or Winnabagos.

That’s it. Thank you very much for watching. I’ll see you all next year… when I tune in to watch somebody else do this job!

Good evening.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Sulu47 5:28 pm, 15-Jan-2012

That was fairly excruciating but the Tom Criise gag was good .

Sulu47 5:28 pm, 15-Jan-2012

That was fairly excruciating but the Tom Cruise gag was good .

KATUE 6:19 pm, 15-Jan-2012

Funny as fuck. The perfect man for the job.

dopleganger 10:52 pm, 15-Jan-2012

And that is suppose to be funny.. This show is going to SUCK big time.. Ricky's head is way bigger than his talent. And that leaked script is real just shows how lame his talent is.. ugh.

K K 12:05 am, 16-Jan-2012

Shame his head has gone up his arse. America, you can now keep him, tarnished goods!

Not sure what I just read there 12:40 am, 16-Jan-2012

Wow. Gervais is allegedly a comedian? This script gives absolutely no credence to that claim. That was quite possibly the most un-funny bit of comedy since his attempts at last year's Globes.

jane holloway 1:37 am, 16-Jan-2012

Fake Fake Fake.A dead giveaway with the first opening line about hugh hefners .He doesn't have a wife.And as if he would leave a document such as this at a burger joint.I think the jokester who wrote this will come clean after the show.Yet another fame hunter in hollywood.The fact that there are zero kardashian jokes proves that this is in no way realistic.

CM 1:37 am, 16-Jan-2012

wow... that's really really really bad.

Keyboard 2:16 am, 16-Jan-2012

Some funny gags but mostly unnecessary insulting lines regarding appearances. His first year was his best work but I think this over the top cause his trying too hard, why can't Americans ever leave a good thing alone? They always have to push it so far till its ruined.

Viva La Resolution 2:21 am, 16-Jan-2012

I was cringing all the way through the script... It was hilarious!! The only reason the show WONT SUCK BALLS is because of Ricky.

marco_c 2:21 am, 16-Jan-2012

WHY such a stylish show thinks a has-been like RG is beyond me! The guy should look at himself first!

Robbie 2:29 am, 16-Jan-2012

At last, just what Hollywood needs..... HONESTY. I think Ricky is great, he tells it like it is. I for one cannot wait to see the actual show... LOL LOL LOL.

ray Little 2:37 am, 16-Jan-2012

What a load of crap i can't stand this ass. Why do these people hire a goose t like this to do a show i don't understand they must be more stupid tham him

Dom 10:02 am, 16-Jan-2012

Not that funny - which makes it a pretty accurate stab at a Gervais script these days. But you forgot to add all the cheesy references he would have made to himself and his showbiz chums

liveactsphile 11:36 am, 16-Jan-2012

Suposed to be entertainments biggest night and they hire a retirement home qualified clown that really needed the makeup and should have taken the lessons . actors & ilk deserve better . poor casting .

Jimmy James 2:39 pm, 16-Jan-2012

After watching the Globes last night, it's now official that this is fake, AND FUNNIER than Gervais was last night! - His gags were lame, too showbiz 'insider'. At least the gags here are funny and harsh. Shame he doesn't read this site, he could've used this script instead. - (Of course, then he'd have had to pay whoever wrote this one, but I'm sure he could afford it.)

Rocketsaladblues 6:12 pm, 16-Jan-2012

Agreed, this version is much better than his own. Interesting how the negative comments here are loaded with anti-Gervais prejudice, but now that we know this isn't his work it's easier to acknowledge how much funnier it is. This joke alone ''Come to think of it, I could never understand why Sharon was ever a judge on America’s Got Talent – how can you trust the judgement of someone who thinks it’s a good idea to put Ozzy Osbourne’s cock in their mouth?'' is funnier than the WHOLE of last night's GG monologue.

Mikie 8:15 pm, 16-Jan-2012

Its official that you are not funny and have lost your edge when a room full of egomaniacs hire you to poke fun at them. That would be you rg. Bootlicker!

Julia 3:36 pm, 18-Jan-2012

You are not funny loser and Gervais last night was also a big failure (but at least him was great last year..)..you really deserve each others it seems actually.

The Dom 4:11 pm, 18-Jan-2012

True that this is actually funnier than Gervias own version! Some good jokes in there. He'd have been better off using this script. And like some people have said, it's funny how when you know this ISN'T Gervais it makes it easier to laugh at it! The backlash has officially started.

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