The Posh Woman From Gogglebox

Watching these two sat in their country manor, drunkenly chortling their way through the week’s telly is one of the highlights of my week. You could pretty much guarantee that on a Winters’ evening after a couple of bottles of a full bodied claret in the local with Dom, washed down with a few sherries and a brisk walk, he’d actually invite you to bang his Mrs, just for a bloody good laugh. You wouldn’t even need to ask.

Mutya Bueuna

Yes, her from the Sugababes. I’d love to say something macho like “I’d properly ruin her” but in reality everybody knows unless you’re Mike Tyson she’d eat you alive and leave you shivering in the corner like a puppy who’s pissed the carpet. The sort of woman you’d have to spend a few weeks training for. If you’re not bringing your A game you’re going to get hurt. Headlocks, all sorts. The places she’d stick a WKD bottle don’t bear thinking about.

Alice Bhandukravi

The BBC have excelled themselves with Miss Bhandukravi. She’s hotter than the bottom of my laptop after watching BBC London news in slow motion for the 19th time in a row. She’s like the girl at school who everyone fancied but nobody had the intelligence to properly chat up, you couldn’t just pass her a note in Science that says “DO YOU GIVE BARRYS? Y/N?” You had to get inside her mind, make her laugh, be witty. It’d be worth it thought because she looks pure filth.

The Google Analytics Woman

It might be down to the fact that she’s usually the first female face I see in the morning, but the way she stares at me through the screen, with her silky blonde hair tumbling onto her Jane Norman middle-management-suited shoulders, “I can see your website traffic growing from here” she seems to say with a wink. She’d be straight in the office stationary cupboard (of the internet) and shown a thing or two about keywords and referrals.

Julia Bradbury

If you squint, and you’re drunk, BBC2′s popular TV show ‘Julia Bradbury’s Canal Walks’ looks a bit like ‘Julia Bradbury’s Anal Wanks’. To be honest when it’s one in the morning and your Sky’s been cut off, you’ve got to make do with what you’ve got.

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