Wax On, Wax Off: Why You Should Never Have A Hairy Vagina - Sabotage Times
P 27 February 2013
Give or take a few months here and there when money was tight I’ve had my lady pubes waxed off every four weeks since I was 19. I’m meticulous about few things in life but my labia moustache is one of them. For those of you who are pro-fur or considering a pubic makeover – let me tell you why I love my naked haven.
First thing’s first – it feels amazing. There is nothing, NOTHING in this world that feels lovelier than a freshly waxed muff. It is like a litter of puppies are squirming all silky soft in your lap and you just want to stroke them forever. You’ll barely be able to get anything done because of how much you want to touch yourself.
Which brings me onto the second thing – sex is better when you wax. Everything is easier. You don’t have to go rooting through matted pubic hair to find your clit. It is just there exposed to the elements. Which, if you are as lazy as me, is a big masturbating bonus. This is also a massive help eliminating potential long-term sexual partners. If they are still struggling to find the magic spot when it’s staring them in the face, poke them in the eye with it and get the hell out of there. You’ll save yourself a lot of time in the long run.
If you are a little fashion nervous waxing is a great way to start experiment with different styles. If you get an unfortunate fringe or find out a bob makes your vagina look fat, few people will know. It is also the only chance a woman will get (unless you have an hormone imbalance) to try out beards. When your waxer asks the inevitable ‘Do you want me to do round the back?’ you know it’s your turn to decide what to do with your ass beard. I personally think the pubic mullet (business in the front, party at the back) is something we can all embrace.
If you are a wax virgin you’ve probably heard the rumor that waxing hurts more than childbirth. Let’s think about this. When you get a wax you get to lie down on soft, scented towels while relaxing floaty music is piped into the room. You’ll have the standard exchange of polite pleasantries about holidays and weekends. You’ll be out of there in half an hour, picking up lunch, a couple of pubes lighter. In childbirth you have to push the equivalent of a living, breathing Sunday roast through the three-inch gap between your legs. No music and shitty NHS towels. It could last days. DAYS. During childbirth you will probably shit yourself in front of loved ones and medical professionals. During waxing you probably won’t shit yourself unless you are very hungover. I know which I’d rather take a gamble on.
Finally, if you are worried about offending the feminists – don’t be. I’m a waxing sister and proud. Some feminists consider my choice of pubic coiffure offensive. A pube in food is offensive. A pube stuck in the soap is offensive. A pube in feminism is irrelevant. Grow your muff to your toes, keep it smoother than Harry Styles – in the grand scheme of gender equality what you do with your pubes will have very little importance.
If you only ever take one thing away from this article let it be this – DON’T. EVER. SHAVE. YOUR. CUNT. Trust me.
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