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Why I Hate Children in Need

by Trevor Ward
18 November 2011 35 Comments

So you thought Children in Need was all about the kids, yeah? Take my advice and rip the socket out of the wall after donating...

We'd like to see Pudsey's bear juice spiked with PCP

CHILDREN WHO HAVE suffered horrific abuse or hardship will tonight put their personal woes to one side to help those even more unfortunate than themselves – vain, shallow, self-obsessed celebrities.

Thousands of children are allowing their personal tales of heartache and grief to be exploited so that a bunch of smug, overpaid TV presenters, soap stars and reality show winners can be given the fame and attention they crave.

The BBC’s annual Celebrities in Need night will turn the spotlight on these sad individuals, many of  whom have been so marginalised by society they weren’t even considered for ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

Though cunningly disguised to make it look like it is the celebrities who are helping the underprivileged kids, it is the children from broken homes and tragic backgrounds who are selflessly helping massage the celebrities’ egos. By allowing their stories to be told, they will be helping desperate cases like the stars of Doctor Who and X-Factor get the kind of publicity that other celebrities can only dream of – the kind that comes with a generous sugar-coating of “being for a worthwhile cause”.

So Matthew*, aged 12, doesn’t mind his parents’ alcoholism being used by Tess Daly to bolster a CV that already reads: lingerie model, celebrity mother and barely competent autocue-reader. And nine-year-old Sammy can laugh off the beatings he received from his drug-dealing dad knowing that he is helping bring Fearne Cotton to a wider audience.

Rebecca, aged 15, turned to drugs after leaving home following the death of her mother.  As her addiction grew worse, she was forced into prostitution to finance her habit.  But after hearing that The Saturdays had selflessly agreed to compete against McFly in a pop star edition of Strictly Come Dancing, she now realises that all those nights spent sleeping in doorways and being abused by punters were worth it.

The next big charity celebrity love-in will take place next March.  Featuring lots of comedians and red noses, it has been renamed Hand Relief Day.

Meanwhile, 14-year-old Annie has talked about the agony she suffered at the hands of school bullies, just to make a dream come true for the highly-paid and pampered stars of Coronation Street and Eastenders who will be delivered by a convoy of chauffeur-driven limousines to spout meaningless showbiz platitudes on tonight’s show.

Another bullying victim, 11-year-old Peter, said: “I used to be too scared to go to school. Kids hit me and pushed me around.”  But he takes consolation from the fact that if the bullies are watching tonight’s show, and endure it as far as Fiona Bruce, Kate Silverton and assorted other vacuous newsreaders performing a Louie Spence-choreographed dance at 10.40pm, then he will truly have got his revenge.

Steven, now 14, was abused at the age of four by his grandmother’s boyfriend. But thanks to the care and skills of trained counsellors, he is able to put his own torment to one side and let Peter Andre take centre stage to perform a tribute to renowned kiddie-fiddler Michael Jackson live in the studio.

All the brave youngsters can take satisfaction from the fact that none of the celebrities will have to donate any money from their own obscenely-large pay packets. Last year, the public contributed £39 million to Celebrities in Need. That’s the equivalent of a state-of-the-art children’s hospital wing equipped with life-saving equipment. Or six kung-fu documentaries fronted by Jonathan Ross.

All the children recognise that so much money would never be raised without the celebrities’ selflessness in putting themselves in front of an adoring studio audience full of incontinent grannies and people who still point at aeroplanes.  They just wonder if a whip round in the BBC canteen might be more cost-effective and spare the rest of us seven hours of televised celebrity self-love.

The next big charity celebrity love-in will take place next March.  Featuring lots of comedians and red noses, it has been renamed Hand Relief Day.

*Children’s names have been changed but all are genuine case studies supplied by charities supported by Children In Need.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Pinju 11:05 am, 19-Nov-2010

Fearne Cotton...don't even start me. *sigh*

Aj Smith 3:00 pm, 19-Nov-2010

How does Wogan do it? Fucker looks younger every year.

griff 3:03 pm, 19-Nov-2010

Cynicism overload for a friday afternoon. I. Can't. Take. Anymore. Can we have a feature about puppies? Or hats.

Keith Wildman 4:07 pm, 19-Nov-2010

The year seems to be punctuated by these wacky celebrity self-righteous smugfests. Children in Need, Comic Relief, Sport Relief and toss in the odd Tsunami or earthquake special every now and again. Bullying and blackmailing us to hand over our cash. I'd sooner just set up a monthly direct debit to the charity of my choice than have Gabby Logan, Gary fucking Lineker or hotel foyer lurking Lenny Henry tell me what to do. In fact, sod that I think I'll just sponsor a paedophile.

Ian Bailey 6:26 pm, 19-Nov-2010

Great article, Loved it! ... Fucking Celebrity Whores!

Keith Wildman 7:13 pm, 18-Nov-2011

I was about to leave a comment but it seems I've already beaten myself to it!

richard lees 7:27 pm, 18-Nov-2011

My kids are singing for CIN - sickly proud and proudly sick verily. Great article!

Harry Futile 7:41 pm, 18-Nov-2011

A marathon celeb bukkake, with tears replacing the jizz ... get the Kleenex ready.

baz 8:49 pm, 18-Nov-2011

Too right, even had Cliff twatting Richards spoiling the Jeremy Vine show today. I'd happily donate a few notes for someone to stick a blunt pair of scissors in the tory-loving cretins eyes.

Lola 9:31 pm, 18-Nov-2011

Hahah! You're a thick little bastard, aren't you. Who gives a fuck about celebrity attention when there's so much coin being made for an incredibly worthy cause. We don't need shitty, pointless articles to explain how celebrities will do almost anything for public attention and a bit dosh. A lot of the money made will come from people sitting at home watching the horrible celebrity cunts prancing around on the tele - which is the reason they're there, prancing around, like horrible cunts, on the fucking tele. You don't hate Children in Need, you just hate the show - which the cause wouldn't exist without. You're far too ugly to reproduce. Maybe you just don't understand. Either way you're a proper little twat. Tada.

Jodster 9:33 pm, 18-Nov-2011

Ridiculous ! The have celebrities on there as they are in the public eye, and they have those people to encourage the public to watch, you have spent ages writing out that essay, and I bet it was on your TV while you was writing it !! and the celebrities do the whole children in need fee free, so they are not making any money out of it, and regardless of whether it is presented by celebrities or not, children in need raise a hell of a lot of money for affected children.

Jodster 9:34 pm, 18-Nov-2011

hahahaha, Lola high five !!!

Juice Terry 11:48 pm, 18-Nov-2011

If I was going to throw any stones, it wouldn't be at the C listers who turn up , but at the A listers who don't.

Knappa 12:29 am, 19-Nov-2011

I totally agree - it certainly is a most barf inducing cringeworthy affair. But it seems that the majority of the Great British Public don't. When Tezza, Sue Lawley and Esther Rantzen started hosting it back in the day - audience figures and dosh donations increased massively - hence the Beeb continually scraping the barrel for Z-listers that apparently the GBP adore. And allegedly Tezza is the only one who gets a wedge - about 10 large - which apparently he's "tried to waive" - but the Beeb keep forcing it into his bank account. Or something. More worrying is where the money actually goes - I do recall something about a fairly large slice going into the coffers of Cherie Blair who was representing a schoolkid who was in a ruck with her school because she refused to don a uniform. After the Beeb have sacrificed an entire evening's programming to broadcast such bilge one can only hope that at least some of the money raised does actually benefit some real kids in need.

Jake Hanrahan 12:52 am, 19-Nov-2011

This made me laugh, good read and I feel the same way about a lot of it.

Thor 1:49 am, 19-Nov-2011

Lola, you're a prize tithead, aren't you? I am in total agreement with the writer of this piece - what we should be doing instead of giving the celebs more publicity than they rightly deserve, is giving this money to charities via alternative routes, donation via direct debit and so on - granted these gimlets do have the common sense to waive their fees, but there are better ways of donating than telethons with a fat bloke in a teddy bear suit waddling around like he's shit himself.

David L 4:23 am, 19-Nov-2011

Bollocks, I seem to have missed the whole thing again - but seeing as the "entertainment" being offered is entirely predicated on the assumption that the viewer is obsessively familiar with the discarded fag-ends of British celebrity, I'd have been lost anyway; when it comes to Fernes, I barely know my Cottons from my Brittons, and I'm still not completely sure which one's Ant and which one's Dec (plus, I still think of them as PJ & Duncan, anyhow).

Dom Clarke 9:48 am, 19-Nov-2011

I hate children in need. But this article is just a bloody moan. If no twatty celebrities were used then it wouldn't get the necessary publicity to generate the interest it currently does. They are a necessary evil. And I doubt that "z listers" get chaufferred to the event, you're letting your cynicism get carried away there.

Hillian 10:02 am, 19-Nov-2011

"great causes"....... Discuss........ If you feel that strongly about a cause, why doyou need to watch that cock off the only way is genocide or some such crap dancing in their pants to remind you? Why do you need some twatto decide for you which worthy cause you feel most deserving?

matt 1:04 pm, 19-Nov-2011

Thor...how can you make people take time out of their busy schedules to find a charity to donate to via an alternative route? I'm sure you've done it because if you hadn't it would make you a hypocryte but i doubt there are many people that would donate elsewhere if they didn't have the opportunity thrusted into their faces.sure its begging and celebs see it as a "good gig" but money going to a needy cause is better than it being spent on a call to xfactor is money well spent and more diserved in my eyes.

cesc pistol 7:04 pm, 19-Nov-2011

for the 1st 20 years or so wogan was getting paid £11,000 for hosting celebrites in need and when he got found out he said he would do it for free but still hung on to the £220,000 he'd already earned. :-(

Thor 3:01 am, 20-Nov-2011

matt, yes this is something I've done. I'm sure you must have encountered these guys in the street fundraising for good causes - you usually fill out a direct debit form, get your details through the mail, and you're done; i donate to 5 different children's charities via this route, so I'm not a hypocrite. What I am is someone who believes in putting the money where it belongs instead of watching 6 hours of drivel.

Clairelouise 7:24 am, 21-Nov-2011

Well, they get the publicity you think they crave as you just handed it to them by writing this. God your a moaning moo. I don't care how many celebs are featured it makes money for children who need it, end off!

The Cush 12:04 pm, 21-Nov-2011

The title of this article is very misleading. I thought i was in for an orphan-slating laugh-fest, but instead you talked about the tv programme.

slade666 10:12 pm, 9-Dec-2011

i hate them smug wankers persuading the public to give money away when the bastards are being payed hundreds of thousands a year and other people can hardly afford the gas bill, i never watch them or give to those charities becasue i hate the smug bastards on the shows like wogan and lenny henry they make me puke !!

Hillian 8:23 pm, 31-Dec-2011

Claire louise. Prostitution makes money for children too. Should we stop moaning about that on the same grounds?

phattboy 2:03 am, 17-Nov-2012

I don’t understand why there’s a need for all these charities and celebrity shows promoting them. why aren’t the government looking after their people it not the celebs tha need the abuse its tha government systems

luci 1:12 pm, 7-Dec-2012

stfuuuu

Dorothy Hester 12:34 am, 16-Nov-2013

What annoys me the most is when my children come home with leaflets stating its PJ day, wear home clothes and woolly hat day to raise money for children in need. And I have to pay for them not to wear their uniforms; granted a worthy cause, I resent being cornered into donating through blackmail. Then there's comic relief and sport relief. Today I decided to fight against the blackmail; keep my children off school. And I will do that come comic/sport relief. It is taking my donations away from charities of my choice. Besides, we don't watch TV, so the 'celebrities' used to try and make me part with my money is a moot use as I haven't the foggiest who's who and what they do.

Andy B 12:42 am, 16-Nov-2013

I detest the fact that we never see any proper accounts of where the money does go Who gets paid for turning up and how much does it cost to get all these so called stars in a studio?

Melvin Feather 11:23 am, 16-Nov-2013

I am surprised the BBC are let anywhere near children in need, considering recent events involving thier staff and children !

APR 6:35 pm, 16-Nov-2013

Couldn't agree more, too much celebrity back slapping. Especially nauseating coming from the BBC. I still keep waiting for Savile to pop up.

Ftard2 10:30 pm, 16-Nov-2013

Jodster you are wrong, the slimy flaky old perv Wogan gets £1000 per hour and has done since the beginning of CIN. he is the face of CIN and the ONLY one who gets a fee. How the horrible little twat sleeps at night knowing he's taking money from these poor sods, I really don't know. I'd like to slap his smug fucking face off!

lenny the lion 10:20 pm, 17-Nov-2013

Couldn't agree more with above comments. I turned it over with its over sentimentality and patronising presenters. Oh and another thing, isn't it about time Terry Wogan is put out to pasture ? he's so wooden and miscast to present this show.

Chris Whitty 12:33 am, 18-Nov-2013

If the FTSE 100 Companies gave £5m each (that would be £500m btw!)which is a drop in the ocean for those companies, the charities would not need to beg from people who are having a hard time due to 'Austerity'. And the sycophantic celebs would not have the opportunity to promote themselves (so vile).

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