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Wotsits: An Appreciation
Cheesy, salty magic. Here's why it's Wotsits for me every time...
A proper soak
Oh, Wotsits. How much do I love thee? You taste like salty, crunchy magic. You bear no relation to cheese, or even actual food, but who cares? I adore you. I want Estee Lauder to develop Wotsit-flavoured orange lipstick just to have your borderline minging taste constantly at my disposal. I love the way you melt my gums. Other crisps are just vinegar-soaked Styrofoam nuggets compared to you. You are the King of Corn Snacks, The President of Cheesy Puffs.
Like the assassination of JFK or 9/11, everyone remembers where they were when they had their first Wotsit. I was sitting on the corner of Heathbank Road and Howard Avenue wearing a fake Frankie Goes To Hollywood t-shirt from Stockport Market when someone I knew came along and introduced me to a mysterious bag of tangerine coloured crack. Now, years later, I have a barely controllable habit. These delicious orange commas are the punctuation in my sentences, those sentences mostly involving the words: ‘Need, more, Wotsits, now.’
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What’s incredible about Wotsits is their unique ability to disgust. Quavers talk a good game about their cheesiness, but can their stench knock out a tramp at 10 paces? No. Few crisps can coat your skin in orange filth and render you unapproachable for days quite like the Wotsit. It is not a snack that cares for social niceties. After eating a bag, you may as well have smeared your genitals with Stilton and be pointing a hot hairdryer at your crotch, farting the theme tune to Take Me Out. Eat them before a meeting and NOBODY will talk to you, meaning you’ll have plenty of time to look out of the window, wondering when you can go home and eat more Wotsits.
Yep, you can keep your McCoys and your Monster Munch and your prohibitively expensive balsamic vinegar and Roquefort Kettle Chips. I’m a Wotsit gal through and through. If you cut me, I bleed radioactive orange dust. Admittedly, I’ve got no friends, but I’m so out of my face on cheese powder, I couldn’t care less.
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COMMENTS
So it's not just me then. You are not alone in your addiction. Nom nom nom....
I'll see your Wotsits, and raise you Scampi Nik Naks.
I'm off out to buy some Wotsits me.
Scampi fries, as irresistible with a pint as they were in 1978.
Dang....I need wotsits now..NOW! great little article. made me laugh.....................and need wotsits.
Pork scratchings.
Bacon fries; literally HAVE to eat every bag if they're in the house.
18 pack bag above the cupboard in the kitchen...bound for da reload
I refuse to eat those Kettle Chip things. Like bastard razor blades they are. Also any crisp that claims to be "steak" flavoured rather than "beef", like the powder they put in it was derived from a fucking sirloin rather than a chemistry set.
Nice n Spicy Nik Naks, now them's good eatin'.
Even more alluring is the fact no other company can make their 'cheesy puffs' taste as good! btw, the crunchy cheetos in the US (like a cross btwn nik naks and wotsits) are awesome
Fuck off, Nik Naks all the way.
Commenting to piss the writer off when she gets yet another email notification.
I like wotsits. But in no way, shape or form do they reign champion over Flammin' Hot Monster Munch or Tangy Toms.
Wheat Crunchies please, not that bothered on the flavour but if pushed Worchester Sauce.
Quavers are the spawn of some bastard satan with terrible foot odour. I had a bad experience on a bus once when a family of eighteen got on with those little disgusting things. Nearly brought my wotsits back up. They're incomparable.
Funniest thing I've read all week. Good work, Missus.
Are you insane woman? Frazzles rule!!! And now you can get them in big fuck off monster size bags that last hours, an honourable mention for the once delicious but now disgusting skips.
do you like pam ayres by any chance?
Wotsits pale in comparison to Original Crunch Cheetos.. I was once blind also...
if you stare at the bath of wotsits they seem to move.
I'd like to lick all the cheesy wotsit dust off her in the bath.
Lucy, if you're after getting your lips around something that's really cheesy, salty and magic, give me a ring babe...
