Leg drops, power slams and submission moves to make you wince. You can argue about wrestling being fake all you like, these hurt and look brilliant. What's not to like?
Talk in the Sabotage Times office on Friday turned to wrestling, and specifically finishing moves. From the ridiculously ostentatious to the violently bombastic, from the feats of athletic prowess to the ones you could totally practice on your brother, from the turnbuckle highs to the sweat-stained canvas lows. Here are our best ten.
The Undertaker’s Tombstone
The Undertaker has been around so long that we can only presume by now that he’ll be arranging his own funeral. The fear strikes you when he hits the canvas, and the victim thinks he’s one. The Undertaker never stays down. Never. His chokeslam is dangerous, but his tombstone is head-crackingly destructive. One grab, one flip, just enough time to rest his chin on the poor sod’s bollocks and then down on his knees. You ain’t coming up from that.
Jake “The Snake” Roberts’ DDT
I used to love Jake “The Snake”. He looks like he’s just slugged a belt of drainpipe whiskey and been kicked out of a saloon, mad as shit he stumbles into a wrestling ring that happens to be nearby and decides to kick lumps out of whoever happens to be in his way. He looks like the least athletic person in history, but he makes up for that in aggression and sheer power. Stunning.
Hulk Hogan’s The Big Leg
Eat your vegetables! Take your vitamins! Keep your steroids hush hush, until you’re put under oath that is! Hogan was the archetype of the modern wrestler, Mr. Real American, not only the world champion, but the people’s champion too. His finishing moves weren’t showy, but they were effective, like a blue collar steel worker beating shit out of someone with communist sympathies. One slam. One leg. Two more legs. 1. 2. 3. American flag up. Hulkamaniacs go fucking mental.
Chris Benoit’s Crippler Crossface
Is it ok to talk about Chris Benoit now? Y’know, after he went all steroidy and killed his entire family? We can watch videos of the Crippler Crossface and ignore his grizzly end, right? Well it’s happened now, there’s no turning back. I loved Benoit as a wrestler, a vicious little terrier with real athleticism and dynamism. The crossface was a brash, meaty, disgusting move, akin to a man trying to tear another man’s head from his shoulders…and really, in hindsight, there’s no way of knowing whether he was trying to do exactly that…
Brett “The Hitman” Hart’s Sharpshooter
Almost like a bastardised version of a figure four leg-lock, the Sharpshooter was a demonic submission move that looked nigh-on impossible to break free from. Brett Hart was the epitome of wrestling cool, ballsy enough to wear a pink outfit and have girls hair. If Hogan was an articulated lorry, then Brett Hart was a sports car, top down, flying across America, running cunts over for fun.
Macho Man’s tag team with Hogan was a bizarre match of chaos and calm. Hogan the model of control and power, Savage a…well, a fucking savage. Flying through the air, the tassles on his boots rippling, his elbow pointed like a tomohawk and aiming straight for the neck. OOOHHHH YEAAAAH.
Chris Jericho’s Lionsault
Jericho came in towards the end of my wrestling-watching career and fast became a favourite of mine. His Lionsault is almost a hybrid of athletic style and raw energy. Shall I climb to the top of the turnbuckle and finish him off? Shall I bollocks, I’ll just jump on the ropes, much easier.
Chyna’s Low Blow
Just…no. Can’t be dealing with that.
Mankind’s Mandible Claw
This was the one that always used to get me as a kid. Mankind was such a brilliantly freakish character, thinking back now, he had the same maniacal temperament that made everyone take notice of Heath Ledger’s Joker. When he pulled that sock out I’d wretch, the thought of it being forced down my throat and having to gag on it. I’m sure there’s a market for that kinda thing somewhere, but I don’t wanna be anywhere near it.
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