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You Didn’t Watch the BRITS 2012, You Survived It

by Courtney Arumugam
22 February 2012 20 Comments

Blur are the new Samantha Fox and Mick Fleetwood, Adele gets cut off by Babe the Pig and Sid Owen is the new shining star of pop music. What really happened at the Brits last night...

The ceremony opened with the human equivalent of 12 general anaesthetics, Coldplay, who appeared to have come straight from the paintball scene in Biker Grove where PJ goes blind, with an extra helping of Paul’s Boutique to add insult to sartorial injury. The event was hosted by Chairman of The Intolerable Cunt Parade ™ himself, James Corden (you’ll remember him from films such as The History Boys and Babe 2: Pig In The City.) Winner of the Critic’s Choice award went to the lovechild of Beverley Knight and Ed The Duck, Emeli Sande. YAWN. A half-arsed montage of Whitney Houston followed. Apparently she died or something? Here’s hoping this is just another vicious Internet rumour, guys!

Everyone’s favourite demented harpy, Florence Welch took to the stage to perform ‘No Likey, No Lighty.’ The performance could not have been more indulgent if she had cracked one off using one of her CD’s as a shiny dildo. For a successful 25-year old, my girl could do with putting a fucking donk on it, pronto. Mrs Mangle lookalike, Bruno Mars won Best International Male. Given that Aloe Blacc was in that category, that’s not exactly much to be write home about. Adele picked up the No Shit Sherlock, sorry, Best Female award. Ed Sheeran took Best Male, dressed like someone taking the complete piss out of Scottish people. Adele’s performance was her first in the UK since a major operation to undo the damage shitloads of fags has had on her vocal chords. It was not pretty. She’s lost the gravelly tone to her voice that had people jizzing over themselves, this time last year, and if I was her, I’d begin to keep one eye on the Government Workfare initiatives in her local area. JUS’ SAYIN’.

Bruno Mars’ performance gave everyone the opportunity to go for a wee, or decorate the spare room. The queue for the bogs at the 02 must have been visible from space at this point. Rihanna, who picked up Best International Female, performed We Found Love in Petit-Filou splattered version of The Cube. The singer, who has reportedly got back with woman-beating-shitweasel Chris Brown, showed she is clearly going through a very public breakdown, by wearing what looked suspiciously like Brantano Timberland knock-offs, as her footwear of choice for the performance.

Despite not winning an award, Jessie J was all over the fucking show, like canapé-chasing-waste-of-vital-organs Paloma Faith, in any given copy of ES Magazine. A very bizarre advert for sponsors MasterCard, featured Jessie J performing a ‘priceless duet’ with some of her ‘fans’. For the record, being in a stretch-hummer, having Jessie J go all Eartha Kitt in my face, circumnavigating Romford, is EXACTLY how I picture hell.

Adele’s win was totally eclipsed by the fact Sid Owen was sat on her fucking table

Lol of the night was surprisingly provided courtesy of Lana Del Rey, who bagged Best International Breakthrough, for thanking GERMANY (she knows about the war and stuff, yeah? Cool) in her acceptance speech. I could almost smell the jazz cigarettes when George Michael appeared on screen to present Adele with the award for Best Album. However, Adele’s win was totally eclipsed by the fact Sid Owen was sat on her fucking table. WTF X INFINITY??? The idea alone that this might be some sort of indicator that Sid might be considering a return to the charts (not that ‘Smoke Get’s In Your Eyes’ was not a game changer in the world of reggae for white people) is reason enough to cancel these awards indefinitely. Babe, sorry, James Corden, controversially cut Adele off before she got the chance to thank Sid Owen, as Blur were about to close the show.

Blur’s performance was the ‘Samantha Fox and Mick Fleetwood’ moment of this year’s awards. It made Olly Murs’ earlier performance, with the poster-boys for fetal alcohol syndrome themselves, Rizzle Kicks, look like the Velvet Underground. The only good thing about Blur’s performance (aside from the fact anything that keeps Alex James out of the dairy aisle in Asda is always a worthwhile endeavour), was Kevin off Eastenders made an appearance- someone let Denise know, yeah? Actually, no, that was also about as pleasurable as ramming a Sharpie through your cock and making it disappear altogether, by hammering it down with a copy of the Yellow Pages, with a nail in the end of it. That said, I am now on first name terms with the lady that mans the out-of-hours phone line at Dignitas. Every cloud, eh?

10 Reasons Why We Hated Last Year’s Brits

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

GB 11:28 am, 22-Feb-2012

Love. This. You have such a way with words, I'm close to proposing

Harry Paterson 11:33 am, 22-Feb-2012

Nice. You didn't knife Coldplay, though. Never mind; I'm happy to help

Andy Southgate 11:40 am, 22-Feb-2012

I didn't read this article, I survived it. USING CAPITALS for NO ReASON wHATSOEevER. There is another way to emphatically make a point in the English language!

dave f 11:41 am, 22-Feb-2012

Awesome review,laughed my arse off,but I agree with Mr Paterson-more Coldplay-slagging needed.But who let Sid Owen through the door to begin with?

Devious Soul 11:44 am, 22-Feb-2012

I briefly caught the end of the show after the football and was also dumfounded to see Sid Owen sat at Adele's table! To cut off her acceptance for that show of shit at the end was woeful. Bring back Fox and Fleetwood I say. Well done for sitting through it.

Steve Bradley 12:27 pm, 22-Feb-2012

Great piece. Like Harry said, it would have been nice to throw more shit at Coldplay.

Creg 12:32 pm, 22-Feb-2012

Adele is so dull, more so than Coldplay. That Olly Murs/Rizzle Kicks song is a bit of an earworm.

Samo 1:07 pm, 22-Feb-2012

Love the review. The Brits were terrible! WTF Lana del rey, WTF Sid Owen and WTF and Rob Brydon! One direction need to be shot, seriously best single WTF Ollly murs cant sing for shit

Robert 1:48 pm, 22-Feb-2012

The headline was 50 per cent correct.

Jazzfiend 2:26 pm, 22-Feb-2012

Well funny. But Sabooootauge Timez shd emplloy a nu proofe reedur

Chris B 2:34 pm, 22-Feb-2012

I agree with the sentiments but honestly this article is drivel. The bit about Lana Del Rey and Germany/the war is enough proof. What has WW2 got to do with it? Honestly?

Bigjok 4:36 pm, 22-Feb-2012

I love coldplay

Andy A 5:43 pm, 22-Feb-2012

Well intentioned but badly written. The writer clearly sees themself as a budget price Ricky Gervais. For future reference,insults without humour are just insults (that aren't funny). I strongly suspect the person responsible thinks Grammar is the person married to Grandad!

Bob 6:05 pm, 22-Feb-2012

"I look like a Tranny next to you" - Yes, yes you do.

PETER BENEDICT 7:58 pm, 22-Feb-2012

Didn't you like the giant kebab ? (I don't mean Corden)

Raymond oke 11:50 pm, 22-Feb-2012

This write up had me in total stitches i mean what person can produce a show to give us a bunch of half drunk so called pop stars dim wits air time ..I know the Brits. Anyway hope your watching kids .oily murrs cruise ship song couldn't wake the dead George and Adele being kicked off by some can I do this next year sucky sucky twat James c..for blur trying to relaunch there careers ..if we don't get 3 songs you can all f this the face of British music ..I'm no ginger winger ed zzzzz you would of went down great on night thoughts remember that and just one last word rickkyyy

ginger prince 12:17 am, 23-Feb-2012

Fucking fantastic article. Babe. Excellent.

Ginbow 1:06 am, 23-Feb-2012

No one's mentioning the FUCKING SHIT LOOKING AWARDS!!!!! what a pile of SHIT!!! If ANYONE handed me one of them for my endevours I'd fucking hit them with it. WHAT A LOAD OF FUCKING PLASTIC. SHITTEST BRITS EVER

Keep it up 5:41 pm, 23-Feb-2012

keep it up. lol. :-)

Leightwinst 5:28 pm, 24-Feb-2012

"Ed Sheeran took Best Male, dressed like someone taking the complete piss out of Scottish people"

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