10 Reasons I'm Bored Of Porn

The internet's obsession with gaping orifices and ridiculously plush houses that nobody actually lives in have started to put me right off my stroke...
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The internet's obsession with gaping orifices and ridiculously plush houses that nobody actually lives in have started to put me right off my stroke...

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1)  Gaping Arseholes.You’ve seen one gaping arsehole you’ve already seen too many. What is the allure of the rectal cavity? Even a trail of gluey spunk can’t give it the icing on the cake treatment. It’s just rotten. The shot, the process, the industry fascination.

2)  The search engines are wank. It’s like a game of snakes and ladders where the snakes are BBC and the ladders are legs or outsretched legs on a staircase or something. Whatever way you go in you always end up back on the same sites looking at the same faces and gaping arseholes you saw years or seconds ago.  And the supposed Porn For Women is just the same stuff converted to black and white and slowed down.

3)  There’s no more depressing reminder of the time wasted stuck on porn than realising you’re now older than the woman you used to think were MILFs.

4)  The women. Nearly all porn nowadays just degrades women. Belittles. Not the actual nature of porn so much as what goes on in the films. Surely you could film some filthy sexy shit without bullying, gangbanging, gaping anuses, ATM, throttling, choking, blurred make-up, tears, etc etc. I’m trying to have a wank, not become a feminist.

5)  The following line “What is your fascination, in fact, all women’s fascination with gangbanging?” Adult film producer mistakes his fantasies for fact.

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6)  The houses. No-one lives in these enormous, well lit open plan spaces with their curving staircases, pools, expensive leather furniture and glass bricked open showers. If they did can you imagine how sticky the kitchen work surfaces and bannisters would be? When are they going to make porn that doesn’t look like it’s been shot in the central meeting area of a luxury cruise ship? How come there’s never any clutter, plastic bags bins bulging off the back of door handles, piles of junk mail behind the door. It’s as if you’re no-one if you don’t have a modernist Hollywood mansion with three gaping arseholes inside and one by the pool.

7)  There is no build up.

8)  Every single porn film made goes through the same process of shots and positions. Surely some of these guys must hanker after making something they dreamed of at film school? Maybe a Hitchcock from the roof shot of a bumming?

9)  It never rains. WTF? Rain can be sexy.

10)  I resent the amount of my life I’ve spent on it. It’s a Soap Opera of estate agents, secretaries, pizza deliverers, middle aged shoppers, cheer leaders, Home Alone teens, builders, workmen, all fucking arses or having their arses fucked.