Since I wrote my last sex tips article, my sexual repertoire has increased tenfold; I've been a dominatrix, fucked at DisneyLand, moved to the Middle East, become a blackmail fetishists' facilitator, and- perhaps most shockingly- been repeatedly referred to as a *Lady.
*In misplaced reference to the Lord I pretended to be wifed to when on a dirty weekend with him.
Adulthood has been an exciting time for me and my cunt. And as I recently entered my 23rd year the sexual nuances of humanity have been further revealed to me in all their technicolour glory. So here's a few more pearl-necklaces of wisdom that I acquired along the way.
It's never like it is in the magazines
Just like how Men's Health suggest you can get great abs in 6 weeks or a stylin' wardrobe for 80 quid, magazine sex advice is there to give you something to aspire to rather than a hard and fast guide to guaranteed success.
Cosmo is famed for scraping the barrel of female sexuality in an effort to find something grotesquely horn-inspiring enough to prize a quid from our cold and curious fingers. They seem to think that the modern woman's life is one giant orgy, that we all exist in their state of unceasing self-congratulation, throwing retrospectives for our vaginas and shopping online for the latest lipstick-shaped vibrator. I feel sorry for the men who think they have to live up to those complicated sexual acrobatics when most of the time a good rogering does the trick just fine.
Some of it is over-shooting your potential and some of it is plain “oh come ON”. For example "When your partner is masturbating you, ask him to tug playfully on your pubic hairs. This adds a slight feeling of tension that turns on many women.” If any, let alone “many” women enjoy having their pubic hair tugged, I implore you to speak now or forever hold your peace. No man has ever pulled my pubes but I just tried it on myself and can confirm that it is painful and unnecessary and frankly I object to men being encouraged to do it.
I can only presume that men feel the same way about women being cajoled in to indulging the deluded fantasies of Cosmo's beauty department such as “Start by stacking six scrunchies on top of each other over his package. Then remove them one by one using your lips and tongue. As each piece is removed, it releases a little bit of pressure in his penis. Plus, the movement of the fabric will feel wild on his skin.” If I used my partners' penis as a hair accessory staking station, I'm pretty sure that all the “lips and tongue” action in the world could not dilute his fears for my sanity.
Nipples are amazing
Is it just me, or are nipples the best invention ever? I know plenty of women who need, like, 30 minutes of nipple-rippling foreplay. Nipples, go for the nipples, always the nipples.
Once again, finger-banging is not the one
I know you'd like to think that she becomes wet at the mere thought of you, but take a second to compare her hole with yours. Imagine if, at the beginning of foreplay, she took her middle finger and jammed it in your butt. Yeh. Even when she's thoroughly salivating, it's unlikely that your index finger is going to satisfy her. It's not about the finger-bang. It's about stroking, circling, edging closer to open her up so she'll envelope you.
Size does matter
Anyone who says it doesn't is a liar. But I've encountered more men with over-inflated ideas of their own size than those who think they aren't up to standard. If you're not a heaving girth of meat, there are plenty of positions that will fool her vagina in to thinking you are. Getting her to bend over and hold her ankles will allow for a deep-fill and an awesome view. Indeed, pretty much any positions from behind, or with her on-top are guaranteed to maximise on what you've got. Cock rings and butt plugs are also hugely useful tools of distraction.
Weird fantasies are OK
It's a well-documented fact (amongst my peers after a few drinks) that having weird fantasies is very normal and very OK. That doesn't mean we don't feel dirty, guilty or a little bit evil for having them. A lot of women fantasise about rape, but that doesn't mean they want to be raped. You need to look behind the fantasy to see what desires are driving it: Loss of control? Domination? Discipline? Just really bloody wanting to be wanted?
What's your weirdest fantasy? Dissect it and find out what the underlying motivation is, and you'll probably find it's not that creepy after all.
Sometimes the most erotic moves are not even sexual. All types of touching are part of the push-and-pull that builds a tension and physical connection. Use touch to test power-dynamics, to tease, and to plant ideas in her head for later. Non-sexual touches are super useful because you'll be able to tell if a girl is in to you before you try to take it further. Is she cold and unresponsive? Don't go in for a kiss. Does she blush when you touch her shoulder? You've definitely tickled her fanny.
So wrong it's right
Similarly, some of the best sexy stuff comes from doing the opposite of what you're 'supposed' to. Case in point: anal sex. Stuff isn't supposed to go IN your bum! That's so wrong! Right? Wrong. Somehow, when you're naked, weird stuff becomes hot. Embrace it. Enjoying degradation doesn't necessarily equal daddy issues, it's just fun. I dont know why, mainly because I cant afford therapy- but also because I dont care.
Always carry baby wipes
For girls AND boys baby wipes are more important than condoms. Ok, maybe not quite. But NEARLY. Because girls and boys both produce goop, and when it's been sitting around in your warm, potentially unwashed, pants all day it tastes like ear-wax. Keep baby wipes in your bedside cabinet/manbag/next to the loo for yourself and your numerous horny visitors.
If you have too much time on your hands, do yoga
A huge amount of yoga is focused on opening up your hips and allowing energy to pass through your sacrum (a triangular bone at the bottom of the spine, tucked between your two hip bones). It will make you more flexible and able to hold you own body weight. When did kick-boxing ever make anyone better at sex? Never. Choose yoga.
We hate condoms too
Women hate condoms just as much as men. The decreased sensitivity, the awkward fumbling, the latexy smell, it's all a total wide-on killer. We're just more acutely aware of the consequences of saying 'fuck it, lets go bare back'. Women hate condoms, but they hate abortions more. So dont make me ask twice.
One Night Stands are crap
I don't understand the justification of a one night stand. If the sex is good, why wouldn't you want to see them again for round two? That's just crazy talk. Obviously, if you're willing to dispose of them so easily, the sex wasn't that great. Here's a thrilling concept: you deserve good sex, on the regular. One night stands are often alienating and disappointing in equal measure. I'm not saying you have to marry everyone you fuck, just aim to either find them intriguing OR truly despise them. Either of those will work, mutual desperation and/or indifference will not. This sentiment applies to marriage also. Whilst I would advise against one-night-stands I give a big fat green light to hook-ups or buddies that you're not in a relationship with but still get busy with.
Dont fret your garms
It's not true that if you don't wear nice clothes no one will fuck you. When people realise this, the fashion industry will collapse in to a heap of highly flammable manmade fibres. Sexy people transcend sartorial evaluation with their indefinable aura of fuckable-ness that Topshop will never be able to recreate. Don't fret about your clothes too much, rather concentrate on expelling an insatiable whiff of sex-musk wherever go.
Confidence is key
I'm a modern/emancipated/neurotic woman, but I bloody love to be pinned down by the power of a man. There's something fantastically animalistic about being wanted that much that a man just cant control himself and simply must take you, there and then. Not in Tesco express, obviously, but something similar.
PUA is creepy
Most of the ideas of Pick-Up-Artistry are based on the idea that women put up “token resistance,” which PUAs are encouraged to cast aside. Whereas most sensible men would just back the fuck up, PUA is all about not taking resistance and requests to stop seriously. Sure, maybe some girls are in to those smarmy dudes that treat them like objects rather than humans. But do you really want to be the creepy guy with the fanny-tickler goatee and Ed Hardy shirt who high-fives himself every time he gropes a drunk girl? I run a mile if I spy a copy of The Game in a guy's apartment. Buddy, you are a small step away from googling 'where can I buy rohypnol in Leeds?'.
And finally, don't eat the food at an orgy
For christsake stash a packet of mini-chedders next to your condoms because the food at orgys is disgusting. You'll definitely get hungry and probably a bit woozy, but don't resort to the complimentary jizz-buffet. One of London's most well-known high-end swinger parties was recently closed-down and fined because the sausage rolls gave everyone food poisoning. And you though chlamydia was all you had to worry about...