20 Sex Tips For Men

For a start, if you call me a bitch in the street I'll punch you in the neck. In the bedroom however, that's a different matter...
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For a start, if you call me a bitch in the street I'll punch you in the neck. In the bedroom however, that's a different matter...

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1. Everyone is bisexual. Everyone has thought about it, fantasised about it, wondered if a gun were held to their head, could they do it? If they tell you otherwise, they're a liar. My sexual preference is 'often'. That's the only box i'm ticking.

2. Dirty talk is not completely necessary. Statements of fact can be surprisingly effective e.g. “you're so hot/hard/wet”. And by all means alert the church elders with a pre-climax warning “i'm going to cum, i'm going to cum, Oh Jesus i'm going to cum.” But sex is one of the only times in our excessively over-articulated lives that it is perfectly ok, indeed, preferable to shut your mouth and let your hands do the talking.

3. Don't try to make up for the size of your dick by slapping me across the face with it. Would you find it a turn-on if I whipped you up-side the head with my saggy tit? Think about it. And furthermore if you grab the back of my hair whilst i'm sucking your cock, your chances of getting head again, EVER, will diminish by at least 98%. Check if face -fucking turns a girl on before you grab her ponytail and ram your cock down her throat so hard that you give her an involuntary tonsillectomy.

4. What is this obsession with men removing all their pubes? Why the ever-loving-fuck do you think it looks better? Your balls are UGLAY. Hide them. Hairless genitals look odd (on men AND women). Don't let society make you think that your short and curlies are dirty. If you don't fancy dripping hot wax on to your sack and crack every few weeks, that is fine by me.

5. We can tell if you're giving us oral purely as a cursory prelude to sex, a “do I have to do this?” reciprocation of the head we've just given you. We can tell if you aren't enjoying it, and it will make us tense and less likely to enjoy the penetration that you are so keen to fast-forward to. A guy once asked if I “took a long time to orgasm?” as if the problem was with my vagina, rather than his shit technique. Get comfy down there, cos chances are you're going to be in it for the long haul.

6. This is more of a general rule about how to treat your partner, based on trust and sensitivity. If we do/say/eat something stupid when we're having sex/drunk/high/hormonal, we don't need reminding of it the next morning. Saying really loudly on the bus “remember when you did a really loud fanny fart and then cried after you orgasmed” will make me hate you forever x infinity.

7. Another general rule: If your mate says something derogatory and you don't defend us, even if it's true, we will hold it against you. Forever x infinity

8. Real boobs are fun to play with but look like flappy spaniels ears. Fake boobs look nice but feel like shit.

9. 'Jack Rabbit' sex is never good (aka pow-pow-pow-poke-poke-poke-the-quicker-i-ram-the-faster-she'll-orgasm). This method, reminiscent of teenage fumbles when he had no idea what he was doing and you were too embarrassed to tell him, will hurt and annoy us. Slow and steady wins the race.

10.  If a girl is dry, it’s not her problem, it’s yours. Spit. Lube. Slow and steady caresses. If she's Saharan it's time to add a new ingredient to the recipe.

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11.  Don't complain endlessly if we want to use a condom despite being on the pill. Sometimes we don't want to ruin yet another pair of knickers from your semen seeping from our lady-garden for the next 12 hours.

12.  Drunk sex is better than no sex. But do try to limit your intake of WKD. Intoxicated banging will climax with nothing but sore genitals and possibly an incurable STD.

13.  If you call me 'bitch' in the street I will punch you in the neck. If you growl it in my ear whilst flipping me over in bed, i'll get highly aroused. Same goes for slapping, biting, and using the word 'pussy'. None of these things are appropriate in everyday situations but can be highly effective in the bedroom. Though I may want you want to fuck me like a whore, I still want you to treat me like a lady.

14.  What you think of as 'no make-up' is actually a carefully devised cosmetic procedure including cheek stain, translucent mascara, combed eyebrows, sparing concealer and subtly glossed lips. Don't be surprised that when we wake up we actually look like Tim Minchin.

15.  Finger banging is not the one.

16.  We don’t want to hear about your ex-girlfriend, ever, even if you’re bitching about her.

17.  Eye contact is the best way to say “I want to fuck you.”

18.  It is highly unlikely that any of places are where your soul mate is hiding on a social networking site. But if you do happen to 'stumbleupon' a potential lover, don't kill the romance by obsessively refreshing their facebook wall. There's a fine line between following and stalking and chances are, every single one of us has pissed all over it at some point. It's tempting to over-analyse every detail so don't take the internet too seriously.

19.  Not letting a woman kiss you after she gives you head is a surefire sign that you're a selfish, sucky lover. Ditto cuming in a girl's mouth without giving her the option.

20.  The media is forever telling us to be light-hearted about sex, to play, to giggle. But here's the thing: sex isn't funny. My breasts don’t 'honk’ when you squeeze them. Pulling your penis out of your zipper and turning your pockets inside-out is not a hilarious impression of an elephant. When my vagina makes that noise like a vacuum cleaner back-firing it's because i'm super turned-on and wet. It's highly common and indeed fairly hilarious (in the pub, not in the bedroom). Ultimately, it's not embarrassing it simply shows enthusiasm (and, possibly, a wide-set cervix). The most important thing on a date is a good sense of humour, the most important thing in bed, is that you're good in bed.

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