5 Sex Tips For Internet Porn Addicts

Some useful pointers for the generation of men who are treating all their sexual liaisons like a Dirk Diggler movie...
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Some useful pointers for the generation of men who are treating all their sexual liaisons like a Dirk Diggler movie...

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Over the weekend I was reading about a 52-year-old New York-based advertising executive called Cindy Gallop, who's spent much of the last decade shagging numerous twentysomething blokes (all in the name of anthropological curiosity, you understand: “I am, if you like, my own research material”). In light of her extensive in-the-field investigations, she's come to the conclusion that there's a whole generation of men out there who, having grown up within easy reach of online hardcore pornography, and with little in the way of formal sex education to offset against it, are treating every sexual liaison like a Dirk Diggler film, busting the sort of freaky moves that their fathers only ever read about. And before you ask – yes indeed, Cindy Gallop has a profile on LinkedIn. One person has recommended her.

“Well,” I thought, “It'll require some serious research, but there's got to be an article in this somewhere”. So I quickly set about knocking one out on my trusty computer keyboard....and then I got down to work and wrote the article. Fnarr fnarr.

So here it is: 5 sex tips for all you internet porn addicts out there....

If You Have To Spit On It, Then She's Just Not That Into You....

Yes, we're going to talk about foreplay. Here's a short list of things that you need to manually lubricate prior to normal, everyday use: frying pans, hedge trimmers, barbecue smoking chips, general purpose machine guns. You'll notice that “lady's furry front bottom” isn't on that list (and yes, porn addicts, they can on occasion be furry. Google “vintage porn” if you don't believe me). That's because in optimal circumstances the FFB in question should be self-lubricating, and - with just a little forethought on your part and some sensitivity regarding your partner's needs - it certainly shouldn't need you to hock a bloody great loogie at it. The reason porn websites feature more spittle than a Premier League football match is that, in general, ladies require a tad more foreplay than “Hi, what's your name?” and “Is this your first time on the Bang Bus?”

Breasts Aren't Meant To Be Ignored

It's been verified that approximately 30% of all internet traffic is men viewing porn, which means (and I have done absolutely no statistical modelling to back this up) that at any one time, easily 15% of internet traffic is streaming video of some bloke who looks like a slightly tubby Vin Diesel getting a blow job. I'm willing to bet my computer's “delete search history” function that, nine times out of ten, tubby Vin Diesel returns the favour by resolutely ignoring the lady's various erogenous zones, and will almost certainly spend the rest of the clip treating her breasts like a pair of sexual KeyserSözes, completely and utterly convinced that they don't exist.

When I were a lad, porn was pretty much all about the breasts, and you could be three pages into a Razzle photo spread before you were allowed to catch a glimpse of anything more. Basically, over-the-counter porn was like an X-rated version of the Bravissimo catalogue (and that's not in any way a plug for Bravissimo; I'm still pissed off with them for airbrushing out all the nipples). So now that we're firmly in the age of freely available hardcore, the porn industry's suddenly decided that they're not going to give breasts equal rights? What the fuck is that about?

You'll Never Make Babies If You Do It Like That (aka Every Sperm Is Sacred)

Fun fact: according to the last reliable figures I have access to (damn you, Data Protection Act of 1998, damn you!), over 300 women per year are admitted to NHS Casualty departments up and down the country with semen in their eyes (I have absolutely no idea whether it's the same 300 women, but I'm thinking probably not).

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I'm not going to give you some old bollocks that sex is when a man and a woman are very much in love, they give each other a special hug and then there's a baby, but I will say this: internet porn addicts, if you ever do want to start a family, then I'm afraid you'll have to get out of the “creamy facial” habit and start aiming your sperm where God intended. That means either a) into a lady's uterus or b) into the soup course served at Mansion House, the Lord Mayor's official residence in the City of London. Of course, the second option won't help you on the road to parenthood in any way, shape, or form, but it is terrific fun.

Leave The Proctology To The Experts

Despite what you've learned from online porn, no matter what sort of dirty business you may have got up to with your chosen sexual partner, there are very few valid reasons for you to conclude the encounter by holding open her anus and taking a long, hard look into it. Unless there's a rare Banksy mural up there, or she really, really wants you to see the polyp on her colon that looks just like Jamie Foreman, gawping up a lady's dilated bunghole is something best left to the Americans.

If it's a bona fide emergency and you've genuinely mislaid your car keys, Oyster card, or whatever, then ask before you go looking up your lady friend's Gary - and if, by some chance, your lost property should happen to be up there, then never, ever try to snag it with a bit of chewing gum on the end of a stick.

For God's Sake, Ditch The T-Shirt

As a young man whose sex education is based exclusively on hardcore pornography, it's not unreasonable to assume that, as outlined above, your romantic trysts will involve some seriously cringe-worthy attempts to emulate what you now regard as normal sexual intimacy: charming the young lady into licking your balls by squatting over her face and grimacing like Dominic West, spitting on her lady parts, lightly bruising your glans by (apropos of nothing) rhythmically whacking it against her left cheek every so often, and topping it all off by having a staring match with her anus. If you intend putting her through all that, is it too much to ask that you at least remove your fucking T-shirt? The actors on the porn websites might think it's a cool look, but is “fattest kid at the swimming pool” really the vibe you want to go for?