Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?


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S&M On A Budget

by Nick Booth
2 October 2013 3 Comments

A recent article, Confessions of a Dominatrix, made the popular sport of S&M seem prohibitively expensive. It's not. Here's some ways to do it on the dole...

If we price the next generation of S&M fans out of the market it would be a tragic loss, because Britain’s S&M porn writers were even more successful than the Olympics last year. An extra 750,000 people in Britain took up sport last year, thanks to London 2012. But Random House publishing’s spankbuster, 50 Shades of Grey, topped the best seller lists all year round, not just for two weeks in summer.  Millions could get into the sport.

However, S&M fans are finding the cost of the sport is massively prohibitive. A replica Christian Grey kit can set you back over £300 – and that’s before you factor in the hotel bills. Even sex balls can cost you £20 and you can easily lose them in the hubbub of a changing room after the game. How often have you nursed a post match pint, after taking a proper spanking, and cursed whoever it was who went home with your balls.

Just as Sport England is trying to keep the momentum going by encouraging us all into the gym, so should S&M be encouraged. Our leadership of S&M is the envy of the world – in fact it’s all this country’s got these days. I’m here to reassure you that despite what E L James and style gurus would have you think, S&M is a simple game and is easily affordable to all of us. Here’s a few ways to play S&M without breaking the bank.

1. Go the the High Street for the Best Deals on FemDom 

You don’t need to work in a big corporation or hang around five star hotel lobbies to find a beautiful woman who will treat you like dirt. You can find them on any street in a post code superior to your own.

Say you live in Kingston and want humiliation at the hands of a powerful and pretty young woman, just head south and cycle around the one way system in Esher at around 9 am. The gym bound, post school run mums will terrify you with their road dominating 4X4s. With one eye on the road, and the other on their important text chat with other high status uber femmes, they’ll be too busy to notice any terrified two wheel subservients like you. Move over or they’ll get horny with you. Do what the car horn says or be crushed by their mighty womanly wheels, you simpering cyclist! The good thing is, it’s free. Whatever doesn’t kill you, saves you cash on a professional who will probably only leave you with superficial scars.

Cost: Free (apart from bicycle repairs)

Saving: £50 to 200

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2. Get Free Abuse from an Android

With phone sex companies holding the whip hand, and BOTTOM, the consumer group for submissives, as ineffective and powerless as ever, phone sex charges continue to show no signs of abating. But there are ways to be bossed around and treated like a worm on the phone. Technology holds the key to your liberation – if liberation is what you want.

If you want to be scolded by an automated voice that sounds vaguely like someone of the opposite (or indeed the same) sex, BT has a very reasonably priced solution. Simply text the stern sentences of your choice from your mobile to your home number. When you pick up your phone messages, BT’s automated voice translation service will then read out any texts in a voice so cold and commanding it barely sounds human. “Go and make me a cup of tea and when you come back I am going to spank you” it would tell you, if you’d typed out that particular passage from 50 Shades.

Cost: Standard test message rate

Saving: £1 per minute.

3. Go for a Job Interview

If you want a young woman in a suit to play power games with you, a job interview with a big corporation offers the perfect environment for humiliation.

As you’re passed from one disinterested power suited amazon to another, you’ll be able to feel your self esteem ooze out through your sweat glands. A carefully co-ordinated series of rituals will put you in your place – you worm.

Shrink, as the haughty receptionist orders you to sit in a low chair. Sink, as you lower yourself into the seat and feel yourself integrate with the ankle level status robbing seating. Then grovel, as the deputy HR boss finally materialises to take you up to your interview and panic as you struggle out of the short legged, body hugging leather swamp while trying to maintain your dignity.

By the time you reach your interview, you’ll be a nervous wreck. Your self-esteem will be so shredded that the simplest question from the Human Resources dominatrix will flummox you. The conversation starter “Did you come far?” suddenly seems loaded with menace. As you search for hidden meaning you’ll be rendered speechless.

But it’s about to get worse. Soon HR Woman will shun all eye contact with you as she makes notes while you stammer out answers to her puzzling questions. You’ll feel like you’re a test specimen in her human resources lab and she is the white coated scientist playing god with your future.

Normally a professional, emotional demolition job like this would set you back nearly a grand. You can get it free, but for the cost of posting your CV and attending the interview.

Cost: Your Dignity

Saving: £999 (Minus your travel costs)

4Aerobics Class

Entering any female dominated citadel is gloriously terrifying. Examples include an aerobics session, any form of voluntary work or an evening class – all are guaranteed to knock two inches off your metaphorical penis size.

Be careful with evening classes though. Usually, if you’re the only male in the group, you can guarantee everyone – even the lecturer – will ignore you. In the tea break, they’ll all break off into exclusive little groups, leaving you sitting in the corner, staring at the wall to avoid eye contact. This is humiliation-gold for many masochists.

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But sometimes it can all go wrong and they go out of their way to be kind to the outsider. Some will try to include you in all conversations. Disaster. Some make greater efforts than normal to be inclusive. Dammit. You never know what you’re going to get with women.

If you want an absolute guarantee that you’ll be ignored and treated as an unspeakable sub-maggot, find an all female aerobics class. You experience instant pariah status, from the moment the door swings back into your face at the entry to the studio. (If you’re good looking, they might treat you differently. But I wouldn’t know about that.)

Cost: £5 – £20 (depending whether your gym is run by a council or a corporation).

Saving: With 20 women to each class, that’s around £1000 worth of humiliation.

5. Give Yourself A Damson Good Woofing

Sitting on a washing machine, when it’s thrashing its drum through its most vigorous spin cycle, is traditionally a great way of getting a cheap thrill. So I’m told. Sitting on a washing machine while getting a stern ticking off by the launderette manager, or manageress, (for sitting on the machine) could give a mild S&M experience, I suppose. Depends whether they’re your type.

A shower nozzle is another great lady pleaser, according to Kathy Lette. (It’s one of the few phenomena she didn’t create one of her hilarious puns for, so it must stands up on its own.) Shock jock Howard Stern once brought a listener to orgasm, legend has it, by making her straddle a giant speaker unit and lower her erogenous zone onto the woofer. If the scene in Private Parts (his biographical film) is accurate, he made her ecstatic by blowing rasperries down a microphone as her G Spot received gentle but powerful manipulation from a throbbing sub woofer.

Sitting on a bus can be mildly arousing too. But you can’t take a washing machine, a shower nozzle or a bus around with you while you look for someone to admonish you. And we’re straying off the S&M beat, you may have noticed, but I’m just outlining some principles that can be applied to the hi-fi induced sado-masochism.

These days you can take an enormously powerful speaker with you, in your pocket. Having previewed it for the Consumer Electronics Show, I would recommend the Twist bluetooth speaker made by Damson. It turns whatever it is docked on into a giant broadcasting device. Stick it on the roof of your car, and the entire metal box becomes a giant speaker. (I intend to test this out by driving round town as the speaker plays Greensleeves. Hundreds of kids dashed out their houses looking for the  Ice Cream van.)

For S&M kicks, sit on the boot of the car, while a throbbing bass line plays havoc with your erogenosities and passers-by shoot you dirty looks. If that’s not exciting enough, it won’t be long before the authorities are alerted. Uniform fetishists can look forward to some stern words from a man or woman in a police outfit. Turn that music down, they’ll say. And get that silly smile off your face. All you will be able to think is: Phwoarr!

You can do this again and again, until you run out of locations. And all for the cost of a tiny wireless speaker.

Cost: £80

Saving: £160 a time

Come on Britain, let’s not squander our competitive advantage in S&M to Johnny Foreigner. Let’s get out there and compete. Anyone can afford it.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Morgan Davies 12:00 pm, 7-Jan-2013

Love the cycling idea

Antony 12:29 pm, 7-Jan-2013

bloody funny! great read as per.

lerouge 1:40 pm, 7-Jan-2013

excellent.

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