The Sexual Proclivities Of Star Wars Characters

People don’t know it but Star Wars has actually got nothing to do with wars, or stars, or good, or evil. It’s about sex and the sexual dynamic between the characters, just like The Magic Roundabout was about drugs…
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People don’t know it but Star Wars has actually got nothing to do with wars, or stars, or good, or evil. It’s about sex and the sexual dynamic between the characters, just like The Magic Roundabout was about drugs…

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C3PO- A robot that behaves like Jon Inman, you know what I’m saying, if he’s heterosexual I’m Shirley Bassey.

R2D2- Has never managed to get a girlfriend cos on the outside he’s a sexually ambivalent shortarse, but inside he’s got a Darwinian libido. Get him in the sack and he goes like a diesel dumper with the choke out.

Jabba The Hutt- Dirty stinking rotten lardy paedo, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. He’s the Gary Glitter of The Galaxy far far away, and he doesn’t care. Stinky green/brown cock.

Luke Skywalker- He will never bring a good woman to climax, He’d be too busy faffing with candles and shit, by the time he’s done that she’ll have lost her wide on. He still has a Teddy and his Mother cut his toe nails well into his 20s.

Princess Leah- Filth, end of. Wears love eggs constantly. Cannot get enough. Partial to a Wookie or two. Doesn’t mind incest (even with a complete plank, see above).

Vader cops a feel and your ‘farmers’ will play up for at least a month.

Obi Wan Kenobi- His name says it all, ‘Obi Wank-Yer-Knobby’. Pompous Fuckflake. Women find him creepy because he tries to ‘Jedi’ their knickers off.

Darth Maul- Amoral fetishist. He’d rape your Nana then brag about it.

Yoda- A sexual athlete of the finest order, for sure, women can’t look at him without getting a ‘clit-twitch’. Yoda’s lovers know what ‘The Force’ really is.

Han Solo- One of those ‘orribles who goes out to get younger impressionable girls drunk then takes advantage. Frequents brothels.

Darth Vader- You know what he’s about, he goes both ways, and once you’ve been violated by him you feel dirty forever. Always goes straight for the tradesmen’s. Vader cops a feel and your ‘farmers’ will play up for at least a month.

Storm Troopers- Darth Vader’s rent boys.

Chewbacca- Should be called Chewshagger, he gets more sex than every one of the other characters put together, he’s up to his eyeballs. The girls are on him like beans are on toast. Loads of them, all aching for it.