This week I read an article titled’25 Things That Turn Your Man On!‘ Basically, a popular women’s magazine asked the good men of Twitter what got their horn a-honking and put them together in a handy article so us ladies could jot them down in our Cath Kidston diaries. Here are some of the more intriguing suggestions…
1) “Rich girls, I want a sugar mama”
I imagine that THIS guy wears D&G belts, enough hair gel to drown a fieldmouse and generally acts like a bellend. The sort of bloke to walk around Bluewater for 9 hours, not because he’s shopping but because he’s forgotten where he parked his Mum’s car. Plus, we all already know what turns him on. Doggy style… so he can rob your purse while you’re not looking.
2) “Good credit”
This made me do a laugh with my mouth. Good credit as in no CCJs? I can just imagine the smouldering scene now; “Ooooh yeah Leanne, talk to me. Tell me how the bank are happy to give you a second credit card.” I bet this bloke gets turned on by skirting boards and a girl who can complete a successful three point turn too.
3) “Girls who swim”
You know how some fisherman used to knob skate in their boats when they’d been away at sea for ages because their faces look like vaginas? Exactly what I think of when I read this quote.
4) “Someone who looks after themselves”
Gents, I get this. No-one wants to strut round BHS with Hayley Croppers’s burns victim sister, even if she IS a hoot and has an impeccable credit rating… but be careful. If a girl checks her reflection more than she speaks a well-structured sentence then this is a warning sign. She SHOULD take pride in her appearance but it shouldn’t be the only thing… make sure she’s not a hot mess. You’ll be able to check this by asking her a question on something than ISN’T in The Daily Mail sidebar of shame.
5) “Women who wear boy shorts all the time”
ALL the time? I happily wear girl boxers but ALL the time? It’s not hugely sexy when you’re getting down to it in Topshop ‘AHOY THERE SAILOR!’ pants… you look like a sultry 13 year old and for goodness sake, if 2012 taught us anything its that 13 year old’s are off limits. At least TRY not to get embroiled in Operation Yewtree.
6) “A girl who can spin around while riding it”
I’m confused… so you want us to go up and down AND round and round? Like some sort of sexy possessed-girl-out-The Exorcist head? What if we can’t gather up momentum and it all gets a bit awkward and weird? And while you’re waiting for us to do the whole 360 degrees, your chap loses interest and then we’re just squashing a softie while doing a sitting pirouette? I’m not down with this one guys.
7) “When a girl knows my past but judges me for who I am now”
This one’s a bit alarming… what HAS he done in his past? I mean, obviously there’s stuff we’d rather our partner not know. I wouldn’t be ecstatic if guys I dated knew about me going bird watching when I was eight and becoming a member of the RSPB (complete with monthly updates, be quiet some of it was interesting) but I can’t imagine anyone judging me for it (stop judging me). I have a feeling the guy who made this comment is the type to have ‘haters’ and drink alcohol from bottles in brown paper bags while smelling of heroin and bum. If even HE’S picky about what turns him on then there’s no hope.
8) A chick that will play PS3 with me”
I’m ignoring this because the person in question said ‘chick’. He’s obviously not had a ‘chick’ in a while. See also; ‘bird’ and ‘the missus’. (That said, I’d overlook the names if he wanted to play Crash Bandicoot. I like Crash Bandicoot).
9) “That early in the morning or late at night phone voice”
The voice where you sound like you’ve deep throated 15 cigarettes? The voice where you sound like the love child of Frank Bruno and Bet Lynch? The very same voice that squeaks “WhatisitwhyareyouringingIdon’tknowwhatshappeningfuckI’mlatecoronationteapartySamsung’ when you answer the phone because you’ve forgotten how to work your tongue? Yeah it’s dead sexy that. I believe this man’s probably referring to the fake, sultry voice we practise 5 nanoseconds before answering the phone.
10) “A woman who doesn’t need make-up and keeps it simple”
What looks bare-faced and smells bare-faced? That’s right! A girl with make-up on. Sorry to break it you to, but very rarely will the girl you’re in the early stages of dating be fresh-faced when she says she is. Lesson: What she says; “Oh don’t loooook at me, I’m not wearing any make-up”. What she means; “Oh shiiiiiiit, that tiny bit of make-up I dabbed on probably just rubbed off and now I look like crap so I’ll just tell you I haven’t got any on.” If a girl gets out the shower after impromptu wet ‘n’ wild sex looking the same as when she jumped in, then she’s a keeper. OR, she knew to wear stay-put foundation and waterproof mascara just in case like the rest of us. If you don’t believe me, next time you hear this declaration, grab her chops and rub a towel ove… actually don’t. Unless she’s got the early onset on Alzheimers you’ll be in huge trouble. And if she HAS got the early onset on Alzheimers then come on mate… get her to a doctor.
A lot of women’s magazines give out pointers on how to appear adorable so men will want you for a girlfriend (I know, it’s weird). The top three will always be ‘walk on tiptoes’, ‘do a cute yawn-stretch’ and ‘wear one of his t-shirts’. No-one notices when I walk on tiptoes because I’m knee high to a gnat’s cock. Cute yawn-stretches make me look like I’m pushing my breasts into your breakfast. But I will borrow your t-shirt please. Not because I want to be your girlfriend, but because I love baggy things with ‘Wayne’s World’ splashed across the front. Please don’t get pissy if I rub fake tan on it though.
So there we have it… it’s not all about sexy underwear, tasteful lighting and friction… who knew? Turns out you’re better off taking life advice from O.J Simpson than men on Twitter. Guarantee the next man I date likes the spinning on the cock thing. Wish me luck… it ain’t gonna be pretty.