Bell Pepper / Asparagus Clit Vibe
Let’s be honest, this one looks a bit shit compared to some of its competitors, but here’s how to do it.
“In general, it's best to stay away from peppers when making sex toys from food, but we made an exception for this sweet red bell pepper. To make this toy, carefully cut the bell pepper on the diagonal so that the "bump" inside below the stem remains intact. Remove all seeds and trim the inner membranes around the protuberance. With a corer or knife, cut around the stem and remove it, leaving the rest of the cap intact. Carve out a hollow where the stem was and insert a bullet vibe. For an optional anal tickler, cut a small hole below the vibrator and insert a sturdy stalk of asparagus with a base wider than the tip. The asparagus can rest against the anal area. We don't suggest inserting it, but if you do, cover the entire toy with a condom in case the stalk breaks.”
One Potato, Two Potato
Although the sweet potato scares the beezeejus out of us – there’s a difference between ridged and ripped, right? – the use of a jersey royal for back (side) up is impressive.
“This hefty yam promises to be mighty filling, while a small potato serves as a side dish. Cut an inch or two off the end of a yam or sweet potato. If the other end is pointy, carve it down and round it off. Use an apple corer to remove flesh from the inside of the yam, carving out a hole long enough and wide enough to insert a slim vibrator. This dual vibrator had an attached bullet, so we slipped that into a small Yukon Gold potato, also cored out. Pass the butter!
Looks like a rocket from the classic TV show Terrorhawks, but you can’t deny you’d fancy those baby carrots nudging your harris.
“Zucchinis are a favorite alternative to the classic cucumber dildo. Here we've added some baby carrots for clit and G-spot stimulation. Cut a couple of inches off the end of a zucchini, carefully hollow it out, and insert a slim vibrator. Near the base of the zuke, make some small circular holes 1/4 to 1/2 inch in diameter. Cut off short lengths of baby carrots and insert into the holes. Adjust the height of the bumps depending on how wild a ride you want.”
Definitely our favourite, maybe because with a couple of swishes of a 12” cook’s knife here and there you’d have the tastiest bong ever. Plus points for the ridges on the lesser cucumber.
“This creation was inspired by a reader who suggested inserting a cucumber dildo into a melon base so it could be "ridden". We've gone one better and added vibration and a second ridged cucumber for clit or anal stimulation. Cut two holes in a melon a couple of inches apart. Size the holes so that your cucumbers will fit in snugly. Cut a few inches off the end of a cucumber, carve ridges into the surface, and hollow out the base to fit a bullet vibrator. Cut a small notch in the base to accommodate the wire when the piece is inserted. Fit the bullet in place and insert the cuke section into one of the holes, then push the other whole cucumber into place in the other. This can be ridden facing either direction, with the vibrating element pressing against the clit or anal area.”
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English Cucumber Double Dildo
Jesus wept, surely it would be easier to just pop down to your local Sinful Desires? This is Nobel Prize winning shit.
"You and a friend can share your love of produce with this two-ended toy. Select the longest English cucumber you can find. One with a curve to it is ideal. Near the center of the cuke, carve out two small holes in which to insert your bullet vibrators. You can leave the vibrators sticking up a bit to nudge your clit(s). We added some textured jelly cock rings for extra stimulation."
Japanese Eggplant Wand
Everyone knows Kale needs the arse cooked out of it to taste good, but who had any idea that it was a bean tickler of some repute? Not us…
"These elegant eggplants have many advantages as a sex toy - they're long, smooth, slightly pliant, come in a variety of sizes, and are often gently curved. We installed a bullet vibrator by carving out a hollow near the stem end of the eggplant. As a clitoral tickler, we selected a frilly kale leaf. To insert the kale, poke a hole through the eggplant with a skewer or small knife and thread the kale stem through. A little vegetable oil "lube" can ease the way."
Classic Cucumber Dildo
Cucumber, schmucumber, it’s the addition of the much maligned celery here that really piqued our interest.
“The cucumber is a time-honored favorite from the refrigerator. Here we've updated it with a bullet vibrator and a celery stick clit stimulator. Cut off the end of a cucumber and dig a hollow in it about twice as long as your bullet vibrator. Cut a length of celery about four inches long. About an inch from the open end of the cuke, cut a hole in the side just big enough to fit the celery. Push the bullet vibe all the way in, then insert the celery stalk, pushing it down behind the bullet. You'll feel the vibrations deep inside while the celery ridges tickle your clit.”
We’ve tried it, no papaya could hold us. Honest.
“The super slick flesh of this fruit combines with smooth slippery seeds creating a sensation you won't soon forget. Select a ripe papaya long enough to fit your penis but small enough to hold comfortably in one hand. Cut a hole in the round end (not the stem end) a little smaller than your penis. Remove most of the pulp and loose seeds from the inside, leaving some attached to the sides to make "ridges". The papaya is ready to use at this point, but you can also add vibration. At the stem end, cut a small hole through the meat of the papaya perpendicular to the tunnel and slide in a small bullet vibrator.”
We’ll be honest, we’ve never really liked starfruit and we’re not sure this will help matters.
"This tropical fruit is just the right size and shape for an exotic sex toy. Select a starfruit that is underripe and firm. Cut a small hole in the stem end and hollow out a cavity just big enough for a bullet vibrator. Insert the bullet (if it's not waterproof, you may need to cover it with plastic wrap to protect it from the juice). The starfruit's ridges are perfect for gliding along your clit, and produce unique sensations when inserted."
For more weird and wonderful ways of getting your rocks off go to Homemade Sex Toys