I must have had some seriously good karma coming my way last week. Just when I was starting to feel really shitty and unfulfilled without a man in my life, Cosmo published this little gem: ‘How to Bag your Perfect Man in 5 Easy Steps’.
The headings were all in pink too!!!
This article functioned on a number of absurd premises, namely:
1. ‘Doug Haines from the London School of Attraction, gives us his top tips…'
You naturally associate the phrase ‘London School’ with the concept of government approved teaching curriculum and forget to be completely baffled by the farcical concept that is a ‘school of attraction’.
2. ‘A little advice from a male perspective might just help you bag a fab man of your own...’
You believe all men to be completely indistinguishable from one another and therefore Doug (look buddy, you’re giving me tips on how to get laid, I think we’re safely in first name territory here, don’t you?) serves as a reliable source on the preferences of his entire gender based merely on the fact he has something dangling between his legs and likes Top Gear (ALL men like Top Gear right?). This is about as logical as me going for a cocktail with my fax machine rather than my friend Millie based on the fact they both make a lot of unnecessary noise.
So here we go…
1. ‘If you see a guy you like, tell him.’
Doug’s first pearl of wisdom, and, boy, is it a beauty. Doug begins point numero uno with, ‘When you go to a bar, out of all the guys in there, how many do you fancy? Two? Three? One?’ Good question Dougie, but I’d have to say it normally depends on how many drinks I’ve had. A friend of mine once jumped on a bar top and asked the entire room if there was anyone who wanted to fuck her, so really in answer to your question; how long is a piece of string? Or really, what’s the capacity of the bar?
The examples Doug uses to start up the conversation are of this particular standard: 'I like your jacket, it makes you look very sophisticated…’. Real cute there Doug but what happens if your reason for liking a man is that his jeans are really tight and it makes his package look HUGE. What are your thoughts on, ‘I like how big you cock looks in those trow babes, you must be great in the sack?’
Alternative suggestion: get your friend to write your number across your bare ass in eyeliner then, upon returning from the loo, moonwalk backwards into him and his friends shouting ‘you like what you see baby?’ in a Mexican accent. This will show just how fun, free and flirty you are and maybe get you a free tequila shot.
2. ‘Make sure you’re looking in the right place.’
Cosmo have ever so kindly accompanied this point with a picture of a woman with her head in a washing machine (at first I thought they were just giving an example of someone immediately after reading the article). In fact they were using it to highlight just how SILLY us ladies can be in the quest for a mate. Fair enough Cosmo, because quite often I have found myself shoving my one-night-stands in the washing machine while taking my newly cleaned gym shorts upstairs to hump. NO WONDER I’m always so sexually frustrated! All day spent around detergent can really drive you nuts!
Doug then goes on to state, ‘If you’re looking for sporty keep-fit guys, don’t expect to find them in your local pub at midnight. Try the local sports club.’ Doug, do you know what kind of men hang out at my local sports club at midnight? Rapists and drug dealers, neither which I care to associate with. My current dealer gives me a very good price as it is thank you.
Furthermore, what kind of specimens are you reducing those who do hang out at the pub at midnight to? Overweight, sweaty, booze hounds? This harshly reductive attitude of yours is really getting me down. I sometimes go to the gym but have, on more than one occasion, been found face down in a steak and Guinness pie. I am so confused!
Alternative suggestion: have t-shirts made with all your soul-mate criteria listed on the back. Therefore you won’t have to exhaust yourself worrying about ‘looking in the right place’; the perfect man will come to you! Remember to be specific though; Darren might work for Fitness First but I heard he likes a beer with his Thursday night steak, GROSS!
3. ‘Get in the right mind-set for meeting men.’
In my previous state of ignorance I thought the ‘right mind-set for meeting men’ involved necking a gin and tonic and adjusting your thong. Not according to Doug who recognises that all women ‘worry about coming across as pushy, too keen or desperate if they make the first move.’ Let me quickly give you a run through of my main concerns the morning after meeting a man;
· Am I alone? *Check under bed/wardrobe/living room*
· Where is that kebab smell coming from?
· Was anyone sick on my shoes?
Sorry to question your superior insight into the concerns of women-kind, Doug (courtesy of that School of Attraction PHD I’m sure) but these are not legitimate concerns women have after every interaction with the opposite sex. Sure, I have at times worried about fucking up and giving off the wrong impression; once I went home with a guy and stayed for breakfast the next day and like totally berated myself all week for coming across too keen. Curse my inability to say no to a bacon sarnie, I should totally have just kissed him on the cheek and demurely wished him farewell even if it risked passing out in the cab home. All I’m saying is, we have other things on our minds ok, Doug.
Like kittens and rainbows and stuff.
This point is finished off with, ‘talking to a man in a bar is no different from a lady dropping her handkerchief in the path of a courtly knight. In both cases all it means is: 'I like you, but now it’s over to you.' Since when was dropping shit code for ‘BONE ME’? I’m buying a backpack.
Alternative suggestion: before going out listen to Pussycat Dolls ‘I don’t need no man’ on repeat and watch the Tina Turner biopic ‘What’s love got to do with it’. This will leave you hatin’ on men andthere’s nothing sexier to a man than a big ‘fuck you’ stamped on your forehead.
4. And this is where shit gets really messed up… ‘Have fun on the date.’
On the surface this is the only legit piece of advice Doug offers that hasn’t wanted me to crawl into my washing machine and get my housemate to press ‘fast cycle’ (see point 2) but please, don’t be fooled as Doug elaborates on this initial point by preaching the evils of small talk. Look, I hate small talk as much as the next guy but I am not about to respond to my dates ‘I had a presentation today’ with:
‘That’s such a great feeling isn’t it? You’ve spent all that time preparing and it feels amazing when it goes well. When it’s over, you’ve got a bit of relief mixed in with satisfaction and you feel like you can do anything…'
Holy crap Doug, why do you HATE WOMEN? Between dropping my handkerchief, not being too pushy and dishing out mindless compliments, I now have to memorise this MONOLOGUE. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. Is that sexy? Plus - ‘a bit of relief mixed in with satisfaction’ - it sounds like you’re describing a really disappointing lay.
Doug's closing piece of advice is really quite spectacular and the message it sends is undoubtedly positive to the female population. Let me translate:
'Forget playing hard to get' (basically forget everything i've just told you), 'focus on being attractive, happy and sociable' (get your head out of that novel, bookworm. Intellect doesn't matter when it comes to baggin' guys, you VIRGIN).
Cheers Doug, you modern day Messiah.