Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?


How I Became A Girl On Girl Porn Junkie

by Sabotage
28 December 2013 7 Comments

It all started with some sherbet and a pair of scissors...

I was around ten or so when I came across an unmarked and innocuous looking VHS videotape inside a cabinet in my living room. My mother had a lovely habit of recording cartoons she thought I might like onto videos just like this one, and like most children at that age I wasn’t in the habit of asking for permission before I took things I thought were intended for me. I took the tape out of its cover and sat down, intending to watch it whilst enjoying one of those long sherbet straws that you never seem to be able to get hold of in shops anymore. As anyone who has had one of these straws will know, after a certain point it becomes almost impossible to get to the sherbet without either snipping the end of the straw off or gnawing the hell out of it. Being something of a purist and not wanting to taint my sherbet with congealed saliva I was in the process of cutting the straw with a pair of scissors when the sounds coming from the television distracted me.

I looked up to see two naked women sitting on a sofa and slowly kissing each other.  One – a blonde with curly hair – broke the kiss and placed her face in the lap of the other. The blonde’s head began to move: up and down and from side to side. Her “friend” threw her head back and began moaning. I didn’t understand what I was seeing and the sudden thumping of my heart and the hotness spreading from my ears to my cheeks served to only compound my confusion. Without warning, a football hit the window directly behind the television. I was still holding the sherbet straw and the scissors in exactly the same position and the noise shocked me, causing me to squeeze the scissors shut, cutting the straw in half, spilling a pink cloud of sherbet all over the carpet and taking a chunk out of my index finger. To this day the smell of sherbet makes me think of sex and blood.

This experience was to spark a lifelong fascination with pornography that has lessened with time but occasionally reasserts itself in times of stress. Nowadays, I watch porn in much the same way someone might watch an episode of EastEnders: I’m not really paying attention to it, but it’s nice to have it on in the background every now and again. But, if we were talking about my teenage years? Different story.  From that day until my late teens, porn became my pot, my Call of Duty, my World of WarCraft. And in ways that are only becoming clear to me now, my unique method of stress relief caused a lot more stress than it solved…

It Freaks Guys Out

I can’t recall the exact moment I realised that my being female and having an taste for porn could become problematic, but it was probably around the same time I started to take an interest in boys. Ah, you people with penises. You bemoan the lack of sexually confident women and then baulk at the idea of a female deriving sexual pleasure from the same sources that you do. The average man’s response to my pastime would vary from open mouthed shock and curiosity – “Really? How often? What websites do you use?” – to supreme discomfort. On one occasion I had a guy reel backwards in horror before appearing to have some kind of “eureka ” moment which lead him to lean forward and whisper conspiratorially, “Were you…um… you know…touched as a child?”  I initially began my foray into dating thinking that my liberal attitude to pornography would make me more attractive to men but reactions like this taught me to be ashamed of my “hobby.” It so pained me that I couldn’t meet a boy who didn’t view me as some kind of tortured sex junkie once they found out my secret. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was sixteen and was the last of my friends to lose my virginity so the irony of that particular misconception wasn’t lost on me.

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Decreased Sexual Attraction

Let’s take some like say, Cristiano Ronaldo. Objectively, I can see that he is in very good shape. His physique is impressive and he clearly takes very good care of himself.  But after years of watching hundreds of ripped young studs putting the boots to hundreds of busty tanorexics, I have become completely numb to the male form. I would just as sooner look at a can of paint, or a bare wall, or a piece of carpet fluff. I almost view the male body in an anthropological sense and can never understand why something like David Beckham posing in his underwear can have so many women in such a state. In some ways this has had positive side effects. Impervious to the womb quivering effects of bulging biceps and broad backs, I have been able to maintain platonic friendships with men that have served me greatly in developing my sense of humour and ability to play Doom. I have also only ever been able to find a man attractive if he can turn me on intellectually. So whilst none of my three exes have been oil paintings they have been: talented, kind and wildly funny. Still, I long for the brief period before that fateful day with the sherbet when a man could make my heart race without having to open his mouth.

Increased Sexual Hang Ups

In a lot of ways, porn gave me a real sense of insecurity around how much sex I should be having, where I should be having it and what I should look and sound like when I was doing it. Porn features such outlandish and extreme acts that often, when confronted with the reality of sex, it seemed easier to just abstain from it altogether. Watching porn at an age when I didn’t have the nouse to realise that most of the young ladies performing in these movies are so high on drugs the chances they can feel anything below the waist are slim to none, gave me an unreal idea of my own personal pain and/or discomfort threshold and an inability to feel confident expressing myself when that threshold became compromised. I also blame porn for turning me into a screamer. Oh you know what a screamer is; a girl who screams like a jeep just drove over her leg the second you get into bed with her. It took me a long time to understand that having sex on top of a bus stop wearing a gimp mask and screaming blue murder doesn’t necessarily indicate that I’m any better in bed than the average Sue. Goddamit. I enjoy having sex at night, with minimum noise and in the safety and privacy of a moderately heated room. Sue me.

Feeling Alienated And Weird

Being a female who can confess to liking porn can feel pretty alienating at times. Even with the popularity of “mummy porn,” and “Fifty shades of Grey, it’s still not a topic that comes up organically in typically girlie chats. Or at least, it’s not something you can admit to unless you don’t mind choking when the air you’re breathing suddenly becomes thick with judgement. I honestly don’t think I know another female who would ever watch porn, let alone admit to it and that speaks to a lack of curiosity I find strange. However, I do understand it. At the end of the day, women will always be held to a more specific and stringent set of sexual standards than men will and whilst it might not be right or fair, this is the world we live in. However this doesn’t stop me from strongly suspecting that there are a significant number of females out there who share my secret. Why, just the other day my very liberal and open-minded mother told me, “No woman who sits around watching porn can contribute to society in any meaningful way.” I thought back to that day with the sherbet, considered that fact that my dad was away at the time of the VHS tape’s mysterious surfacing and its equally mysterious disappearance, smiled and said nothing.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

pornmonkey 3:19 am, 18-May-2013

some counselling might be a good idea, felt a little bit sad for you reading this, you should have linked to a support group

pornmonkey 5:01 pm, 18-May-2013

by the way what do you actually tell guys? it would put it into perspective whether or not they are justified in being shocked. i have yet to admit that porn is a hobby, to anyone i want to get a bit serious with. anyroad, you tick the boxes of what id class as an unhealthy addict, you admit as much. your whole perception of sex sounds warped. im saying this cos it sounds familiar to me, although these days real life has more or less made me go cold turkey.

Mal 7:07 pm, 18-May-2013

Don't worry, I've known plenty of girls who enjoy watching porn. My girlfriend is very open about it with me, and we often discuss it and even occasionally watch it together - it turns us both on to see the other one enjoying it. It's a kind of harmless voyeurism (although as you mentioned, the conditions under which some porn is made makes the 'harmless' statement debatable. Harmless to our relationship let's say. Ethically-sourced porn... A potential future article?) Being open about sex and what turns you on is a great thing to have in a relationship. Feeling judged for enjoying a cheeky Sasha Grey flick is not. At the same time, just like any enjoyable activity, porn can become a soft addiction, and if you feel like it's interfering with your sex/love life or that you have a problem there are loads of groups and organisations that can provide help. If not, lie back and enjoy!

Jnor 12:10 pm, 1-Jun-2013

Sounds like my kinda girl. LOL

Tom 1:28 pm, 1-Jun-2013

An ex girlfriend loved huge boob Girlie magazines. I found it fascinating and helped work it into our routines.

jublu 4:59 pm, 6-Jun-2013

good article, thanks for writing it :)

Lee 10:29 am, 28-Dec-2013

My partner and i love watching a bit of pornage of an evening, in fact thats the only reason we take the laptop into the bedroom ;) makes for a very sexual encounter

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