I’m an awkward gangly mommy’s boy who collects comic books and has a seven figure Pac Man Championship edition high score. A Catholic upbringing combined with a lack of sex education class in my boys only private school meant I only discovered that women do not pee from their vaginas early last year. My response to this discovery was “There’s another hole?! Can I fuck it?” It's hard to know exactly what percentage of my orgasms occur in front of a computer screen, but I’m going to guess it's more than half. Last month I introduced myself to a girl at a bar, she merely looked me up and down and replied “Yeah…. I’m not going to tell you my name” before walking off. My reaction to that was “Huh… so this is my super villain origin story.”
Basically, I’m shit with women.
In an effort to turn myself into a Casanova, (do people still say Casanova? Or is that another thing I’m way off the mark on?) two weeks ago I went to an “Ultimate Tantric Sex Life Coaching Session” with tantric practitioner Elena Angel.
When most people think of tantric Sting and his boasting of 11 hour sex sessions spring to mind. As Elena and her website will testify, what she offers as a tantric practitioner is a lot more than merely teaching men to become better lovers. Her Ultimate Tantric Sex Life Coaching can involve up to 14 consecutive days of mind and body exercises to ”super-charge your personal development with the power of sexual energy.” After a quick read of a testimonial by a former client named Klaus who turned his life around with these classes and I was good to go, ready to be less Peter Parker and more John Shaft.
Upon entering her studio the first thing that grabs my attention is the foot long condor feather laying on a coffee table. Frightfully ticklish, Elena reassures me the feather is used for cleansing spiritual energy rather than for any physical stimulation. So far, I’m off to a prudish British start.
After a quick talk Elena and I get down to some breathing exercises to relax and to draw on the spiritual energies around me. “Think of yourself as a glass Carl, as you take a deep abdominal breath imagine your glass filling up with water. Then as you breathe out, imagine this water being poured out.” After around two minutes of us both performing synchronised breaths, Elena now asks me to take the energy I gather with each inhalation and channel that energy towards my genitals and assures me that I’ll begin to feel some sort of sensation.
Sounds utterly ridiculous, but after another two minutes of “channeling”… well, something stirs. Not quite Carlito coming out asking what’s going on and who’s invited to the pants party but more him going “huh”.
Huh. Here I am in a state of not quite arousal, but not quite… non arousal, aware of my body in a way that I have never been aware of them before. Apparently I’m at the beginning of what Elena describes as “conscious sex” – essentially drawing the natural energies of things around me to slow down the sexual experience to maximize both for how and how long I can feel sensations. This was all making a surprising amount of sense.
The next level is for to me now is to take this energy I’ve drawn in and share it with my partner. First, by maintaining “eye contact and an open heart”, achieved by concentrating my gaze on my partner’s left eye with while I take these channeled breaths. Once this is achieved, I can then experience the ”sensuous touch” - this is just hand holding for Elena and I but this would be the point at which… you know… stuff happens.
A brief look at the clock and I’ve been in her studio for close to two hours. Fits the tantric idea of lasting for hours then. Elena assures me that with enough practice and repetition of these techniques, after every time I start, I’ll begin from the same level of pleasure where I left off.
All I know is as I left her studio I was the most on edge I’ve been since a terrible University Carnage night out back when I was a Fresher. However, weirdly it doesn’t hurt in god awful way blue balls can be. As I get on the train home, I am VERY aware of the woman sat next to me stroking the back of her boyfriend’s head. I go home, watch Avengers Assemble and sleep more soundly than I have in several months.
A few weeks later and am I any better with women? Well, my last misadventure in a nightclub ended with a girl thinking I was the musician Labrinth, drunkenly kissing me before stealing my glasses thinking they were fake lenses. Baby steps…
If you'd like to know more about Elena Angel and what her tantric coaching can offer, you can find out more here, from her website.