How To Get A Shag Off Twitter

Liz Hurley and Shane Warne have done it, so have Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Follow this guide to flirting on Twitter and you too can flirt on Twitter without coming off all creepy.
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Liz Hurley and Shane Warne have done it, so have Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Follow this guide to flirting on Twitter and you too can flirt on Twitter without coming off all creepy.

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Twitter has opened the doors of social interaction to a generation of nerds. Where else can you chat to a celebrity, anonymously ridicule your co-workers, and build up of legitimate circle of acquaintances who actually seem to give a shit about your boring life?  Not real-life, my friend.

But Twitter can get you a lot more than free IT help and a cheap ego boost. It can get you laid.

It's cheaper than match.com, less soul-destroyingly lame than uniformdating.com, and less intensely stalkerish than Facebook, it's no wonder that Social Media-savvy singletons are heading to Twitter.com to score a plus one.

Tweeting gives an honest and insightful yet conveniently condensed snapshot in to the thought-process of the tweeter. Twitter is probably the closest thing we have to being able to read someone's mind, and if we like what we find, why shouldn't we let romance blossom IRL*? *in real life, for you non-natives

Various high-profile cyber courtships seem to have legtimised our use of twitter as a place to meet potential partners.

Some people thought Demi and Ashton's online flirting was cute. I thought that twitpic-ing “meet you in the bedroom?” scrawled on to their chests in biro made them look like horny adolescent exhibitionists with borderline personality disorder (and we all know people like that belong in one place: tumblr).

And then there was Liz and Shane, who's high profile online flirtation caused such a scandal that they had to get engaged to legitimize their twitter-trysts. Even more embarrassingly, Twitter revealed their 'dating moves' to be as cringe-worthy as you'd expect from a middle-class MILF and a perma-tanned ageing sportsman.

So I've put together a brief guide on how to turn your online crush in to a real-life prospect, without looking like a escaped mental patient or sex-starved paraplegic.

Getting started

On Twitter, as in life, appearances count for everything. Fortunately I have numerous pics of my cleavage taken in a purely professional capacity that I use on rotation. They strike the right balance between softcore porn and professional gobshite. Similarly, you should pick something which reflects the capacity in which you tweet and shows you off to your best advantage.

It doesn't matter if you while away the hours on Twitter whilst in your underwear, spooning philedephia in to your mouth on a Dorito-spoon whilst your dog licks your ballsack. Your profile picture will play a essential role in first impressions. Furthermore, facial is absolutely necessary. I'm sure you're a perfectly well-meaning individual but if your avatar is egg-shaped I will presume you are a paedophile/spam-bot.

Your Bio is equally important. I don't want your life story or your CV. Give me a preview of your general hilarity and i'll be more likely to follow back, whether or not your life has any similarity or relevance to my own.

The Follow

You've found the target of your affections, masturbated over her flatteringly-cropped photo, and dreamed of indulging in witty repartee over a bottle of red wine and a cheese board. But before you live happily ever after, you'll need to worm your way on to her radar. Bear in mind that if a lady is out of your league in life, woo-ing them over tweets will only work up to a point. Has “Dating in The Dark” taught you nothing? Anonymous flirting is fun shot in the arm for your sexual self-esteem, but be realistic about your long-term expectations.

Getting someone to follow you is like getting someone to have sex with you. Let it happen naturally. Don't ask for it. Don't beg for it. And don't thank someone for doing it. All of the above will make you seem like a desperate amateur. And don't presume that just because someone isn't following you right now, that they aren't ever going to. If you're funny/insightful/relevant you don't need to solicit followers, entertainment is enticing enough for most people.

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Similarly, if you preface following her by following and openly flirting with every single one of her semi-good looking friends and being turned down, she will presume you are the kind of dude who drinks VK and wears t-shirt saying 'every hole's a goal'. If your number one reason for being on Twitter is to get laid, you need to get grindr.

Content Management

People on Twitter don't care what you're doing, they care what you're doing about it. Don't say “I'm on the bus”.  Chances are that unless you are Stephen Fry, no one gives a shit that you're on the bus. Tell people what's happening on the bus. What weird and wonderful characters surround you? Where are you on your way to?

Patience is key to developing a friendly timeline tone and a relevant stake in the conversation. If you build it they will come.
The exception to this is if you're inescapably boring IRL. This will convert to an unimaginative and dry timeline, in which case you're going to need a lot of alcohol and an ability spin a complex web of lies. Best stick to Facebook and find your place amongst status updates of ultrasound scans, Argos engagement rings, and hilarious anecdotes of your recent holiday in Falaraki. In summary, if you don't have anything interesting to say, don't say it. Unless you're Kim Kardashian, in which case please feel free to provide me with a reason to sigh with relief that I may not have a gravity-defying arse but at least I have the IQ to know that you don't broadcast an impending fear of black olives to the world.

The @

If someone didn't text you back, would you repeatedly text them until they answered? Considering you're contemplating trying to get a shag off Twitter, you're probably the kind of social misfit who would incessantly stalk their conquests. The magic of twitter is that you can pretend to be a lot cooler than you actually are. Don't abuse this advantage. Less is more, dont drop @'s like they're hot. Be relevant, be funny, but don't be too calculated.

DM

You may not want to reveal your mack-daddy moves to the general public, but be sure she's keen before you shift it to DM. This is like trying to go to second base on a first date, she could either respond well, in which case you're guaranteed at least a handjob. Or she could call you out as a letch infront of all her followers and block you.

The next step

This is the only time when I could condone Facebook as a relevant medium. It's the next step to slithering on to someone's social scene however it's probably a little unnecessary, do you really need to have seen 314 photos of a person before going on a first date? If you want to hit her up on the book, test the water with a message before you go in for the add.
Better still, take her for tea and use the ancient method of face-to-face conversation to find out more about her.

This is where Twitter comes in handy, she just checked in to your favourite coffee place on foursquare? Recommend she tries the caramel macciato. She tried it? She liked it? Great! Slip in that you often head down there on Saturdays and you'd be delighted to buy her a warm muffin... Before you know it, you're cruising around town with Ms Twitter on your arm. It may not bear such a striking resemblance to a Parisian romance novel, but I can certifiably tell you that it will work better than twitpic'ing your semi-erect penis alongside the caption “you can thank me later”.

She's more likely to respond well to your advances if your gently blur the boundary between online and IRL with relevant conversation on common ground. Manoeuvre yourself in to a position of mutual intrigue, rather than clumsily bounding on to her timeline like a dog on heat.

If you are a stalker, please disregard all of the above. Good luck and remember to Wrap It Before You Tap It.