How To Have Cybersex

There are thousands of people on the internet swinging their bits about for their sexual enjoyment. Here's how to get into it without injury or death...
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There are thousands of people on the internet swinging their bits about for their sexual enjoyment. Here's how to get into it without injury or death...

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Feeling bored? Maybe a bit ‘randy’? Well never fear, because the solution is here in the form of ‘cybersex’ – a relatively new phenomenon (I think) where folk from all over the globe are using technology to flirt, tease, meet new people, and then viciously masturbate themselves to completion in front of a group of total strangers. And now YOU can join in the fun! All you need are 1) a webcam, 2) your genitals 3) a working hand and a FILTHY imagination! So remember to use these top tips, and in the brief moments before the police arrive, you’ll be ‘orgasum-ing’ with the best of them!

1. Get online!
The easiest way to do this is through an internet connection. Once you’re ‘on the internet’, simply open a ‘chat window’ (the best thing for this is the video chat function on Facebook) then start undressing in front of a Facebook friend picked at random or a relative, and… GET READY TO ONANATE!! (Probably read that last bit in the voice of that bloke who says ‘let’s get ready to rumble’.)

2. Get undressed!
You absolutely do NOT want to be hampered by annoying items of clothing when you’re trying to do a cybersex, so in order to be as attractive as possible to your online partner, get as naked as a newborn baby. Or if you’re feeling romantic just pull your underpants down to your knees, or if you’re a girl pull your top up and put your bra on top of your boobs so they look a bit like flip-up sunglasses for tits.

3. Make yourself comfortable!
One or both of your arms are going to be moving really fast, so get yourself in a position that allows you to move freely. If you’re a man you may want to pull your legs right up as far as they will go, and then put your feet either side of your computer so the webcam can see your balls going up and down and stuff. If you’re a lady then maybe face the other way on all fours so you’re not looking at the camera and I can see your bum and fanny-- I mean so your partner can see your bum and fanny.

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4. Keep one hand free!
We all need a different amount of hands to help us achieve sexual satisfaction, usually the rule is one for boys and two for girls so they they can touch their boobs as well as their noo noo. When you’re doing cybersex and you don’t have a microphone, you’re going to need to type while you’re getting yourself off, so practice typing one-handed while masturbating in your free time, for instance at work or on the train or while babysitting or identifying a loved one. If you’re a lady, you could invest in one of those things that disabled people attach to their heads to type that makes them look like spazzy chickens.

5. Say sexy stuff!
Remember it isn’t just you that wants to come to a shuddering climax, it’s also the person you’re looking directly at, or several people on Mumsnet. So DON’T be selfish! Type hot things like “Mmm I’m touching my penis with my hand” (vagina if you’re a girl) and “do you want me to make my tummy banana make sticky milk?” and “ah Christ sorry there’s someone at the door, I think it’s the fella from the council about the noise, we had a party the other night and it got a bit messy, a man actually overdosed in the kitchen on something and we didn’t find him for a week lol, brb , ;) ”

6. Don’t finish too quickly
There’s literally nothing more embarrassing than shooting your load after about six seconds and then having to sit watching someone else on the other side of the world frantically do their business in front of you while you experience a feeling of deep self-loathing whilst you’re walking around with all kitchen roll stuck to you with your trousers round your ankles like a half-mummy half-zombie and why does my wife never touch me anymore and I think she’s shagging that man from Domino’s. So don’t come too soon!

7. Try not to make a mess!
Other people in the library are going to need that keyboard, so for heavens sake make sure you have a wet wipe handy (KFC do excellent ones, and they’re cheap too!) for when you ‘finish up’. If you’re a girl you probably don’t have this problem, unless you’re like one of the women I saw on a video once, which was like watching a fire hose going off except the fire hose was between her legs and made of minge. I don’t even know what that stuff was, wee?

8. Remember to say thank you!
You might want to send your cybersex partner a bunch of flowers or maybe a box of Cadbury’s Miniature Heroes to say thank you for helping you get off over the internet. If you’re going to do this then make sure you get their age, sex and location – from experience this will help you find them a lot faster than getting a plane to their country and then going to their house and rifling through their bins and then having a stand up argument with their father on the lawn and then apologising a lot and crying.