I Broke My Vagina Cycling

Horrible news! The latest scientific research reveals that cycling can make women feel less during sex- so does that mean it's time to ditch my two-wheeler?
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Horrible news! The latest scientific research reveals that cycling can make women feel less during sex- so does that mean it's time to ditch my two-wheeler?

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According to new research by some clever scientists which follows on some research by geeks at Yale University in 2006, female cyclists experience less sexual pleasure than female runners.

This news study published in ‘The Journal of Sexual Medicine’ tested 48 dedicated female bike enthusiasts who cycled at least 10 miles a week to measure their soreness, numbness, and tingling sensations (sounds naughty).

I am a female and a runner; therefore I should be happy right? False! I also happen to be a cyclist! In fact, I have been cycling longer than I have been sexually active, and on average, I cycle 30 miles a week. This new study could possibly mean that I have robbed my precious vagina (her name is Chloe) of true sexual pleasure, all in the name of keeping fit and reducing my carbon footprint!

Well it looks like the earth has well and truly fucked me over, only I didn’t feel a thing, because I broke my vagina cycling!

Okay, perhaps I am being a little melodramatic, or perhaps not. It is no secret; science has long revealed that cycling can lead to erectile dysfunction in men; this has something to do with the bike seats.

Being able to enjoy a long bike ride on a lazy Sunday afternoon, making sure to ride over all the bumps (ladies, you know what I’m talking about) was the one thing that vaginas had over penises, that is until now.

Now as well as bleeding once a month, waxing, fear of camel toes, and child birth, vaginas can now add a decrease of sexual pleasure from cycling to the long list of reasons why men claim that vaginas suck, apart from when they are penetrating it of course!

A small part of me wants to believe that these new findings were written by my ex-lovers who probably found each other on Facebook, read the 2006 study and decided to write their own in order to put some kind of scientific reasoning behind their poor performance in the bedroom.

But let’s face it, that sounds a little farfetched, my ex-lovers aren’t that smart, if they were, they probably wouldn’t have gone out with me. Besides I’m not that special but my vagina (Chloe) is, and she is pissed off! She is pissed at me for ever riding a bicycle, global warming, and most importantly, science for being anti-anything to do with the female anatomy.

Let me elaborate, according to one of the brains behind the correlation between bicycle seats an erectile dysfunction in men, Steven M. Schrader, a scientist at the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, bicycle seats don’t like vaginas. Well of course he says that now after someone else has finished the work that he should have completed a long time ago!

He revealed to The NY Times that he often gave speeches about bike seats and erectile dysfunction (I can’t believe I missed them) and after his reverting talks about dicks, women would approach and tell him that they too felt pain from cycling, still he kept this little information to himself, call yourself a man Mr Schrader!

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There is some good news for women, and I assume that this news also applies to the male species, though I am too annoyed by their ignorance, and intentional neglect of women in the field of medical science to really care about the male race. There are ways for female cyclists to still get on their bikes and ride over as many bumps as they want.

Women on bikes with handlebars positioned lower than their seats experience more pressure in an area of soft tissue called the perineum (I don’t know what this is but I’m guessing that this is a bad thing). This also causes a decrease in sensation in the pelvic floor (again, not good for the vagina). Thus the solution is simple; the handlebars on the bike should not be lower than the seat.

Personally, I think that riding a bicycle with handlebars lower than the seat is way more fun but according to science, my vagina does not agree and if I am being honest, I have noticed some discomfort whist cycling in the past, so I decided to try the new vagina friendlier way.

Yes, raising my handlebars and lowering my seat has decreased the discomfort but it has also decreased the enjoyment in riding.

The way I see it, even women who aren’t regular cyclists have shit sex, and this has nothing to do with bikes but everything to do with their partners not being quite up to the job of giving the vagina a good servicing.

So fuck you science, I’m going to carry on cycling with my handlebars lower than my seat because as uncomfortable as it makes my poor vagina, she never seems to complain when she gets a visit from her good old friend, the rabbit.