Your girlfriend's inner dialogue when she claims to be fine
“Something's the matter. What's up?”
“Why won't you tell me what's wrong?”
“Because I'M FINE OK?”
“Are you on your period?”*
*Just never, ever say this
Does this sound familiar?
Today I'm going to share with you some valuable advice in relation to dealing with your sexy, wonderful yet at times frankly MADDENING girlfriend (also relevant to mothers, sisters, friends colleagues, etc).
If she's said these words:
Here is a pie chart to aid comprehension. I have chosen this method of presentation because I like pies.
Probability of Fineness
You know, I hate that whole cliche of 'women are fickle and hormonal, while men are amusingly predictable creatures, ruled by their penises'.
If my boyfriend's in a grump, I have a mental tick-box. Has he:
2) Had sex
3) Been to the toilet?
He, however, has to think about any action of his spanning from the time I met him to the present day, poor sod. It's possible that I've dredged up a forgotten grudge - like that time he forgot to bring my goggles to the beach, three months ago (man, that was SO annoying).
“I’m fine,” is indicative of a petty, though not inconsequential, strop. Not caused by the biggies, like, for example, cheating, and sometimes difficult to detect. However, if you leave an “I'm fine,” unchecked, it could potentially snowball into an all-out argument, which will seem to come out of nowhere and flummox you, so we're talking early detection and cure here.
This pie chart suggests some possible ways you may have evoked “I'm fine,” from her:
* Polite reminder: PMT is not featured on this pie chart, because you will never, EVER blame her period.
Detection: Key signs
- Stony face
- Glance directed at unmoving spot straight ahead/pointed absorption in phone
- Mouth in firm, straight line
- Crossed arms
- Flared nostrils
- Impassive voice
- Don't over-fuss. She knows deep down she's being out of order. Pandering too much to this strop may justify it.
- Apologise once, with feeling. It doesn't matter if you're not sorry. Just say it.
- Make a small gesture as well as the apology - perhaps make her dinner for just you two.
- Big gestures have too much potential to go wrong, perpetuating the strop cycle once again (see: potentials for disaster: skywriting).