Sex And The Soft Drinks Rating Scale

Have you ever overheard your sexual performance being compared to a soft drink? If so, you may have been a victim of the Soft Drinks Rating Scale...
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Have you ever overheard your sexual performance being compared to a soft drink? If so, you may have been a victim of the Soft Drinks Rating Scale...

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In my early 20s, I lived with my friend Dr Brillo (not his real name, obviously).

We, and some other friends, were all dealing with our own brand of heartbreak, and like any self respecting hedonists, we managed this with lots of booze, drugs and quite a lot of sex (never with each other).

During our this time, we developed the Soft Drinks Rating Scale, so we could fill each other in, in public (or the smoking room at work) on the previous evening’s antics.

Watching the Jeff Leach Sex Addiction programme on BBC3 reminded me of it, and I thought I’d share.

10/10 = Red Bull: Keeps you up all night.

9/10 = Coke: Everyone’s favourite

8/10 Female = Cherry Coke: Nice and tight

8/10 Male = Irn Bru: Made from girders

7/10 = 7up: Self explanatory

6/10 = Lilt: Sweet and a bit fruity

5/10 = Bitter Lemon: Alright in a drought, but leaves an aftertaste

4/10 = Tonic Water: Bearable with loads of gin

3/10 = R Whites Lemonade: Something you want to keep a secret

2/10 = Panda Pop: There’s a reason Panda’s don’t like fucking

1/10 = Rola Cola: Worth about 10p.

Disclaimer: Unless I slept with you in 2000/2001 this rating scale won’t have been applied to you. It was in use for a very short amount of time.