The Do's And Don'ts Of Online Dating

Online dating is acceptable now - here's how you do it properly so you can DO IT properly....
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Online dating is acceptable now - here's how you do it properly so you can DO IT properly....

Love Is Just A Click Away... Or So They Say

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Online dating, no, we don’t mean scanning through you suggested friends on Facebook and “accidentally” adding the hot ones – don’t deny it, we’ve all done it. We’re talking about the bonafide real deal, setting up the account, handing over your cash and hoping upon hope that you will attract someone other than a Kermit the Frog lookalike. It’s a lonely world out there, everybody wants somebody to love and all that and what’s better than a bit of web flirtation? You don’t have to buy them a drink when you know it’s going nowhere and you can sit and chat from the safety of your own home without even having to get out of your pyjamas. But, just like the real world it’s a tough game so here’s my guide to the do’s and don’ts of online loving...

DO: Make A Date... QUICKLY

Ok, so the good thing about online dating is that you get to meet someone based on personality, now, don’t get me wrong, I really mean this is good. Good, that is, until you’ve spent six weeks building up a relationship with them only to realise upon meeting  that you fancy them about as much as you fancy Lazarak the local kebab shop lothario. Save yourself the time and disappointment and set up some drinks... fast.

DON’T : Call Yourself JohnnyBigCock88 (Even if you are)

Men have this thing where they think women just love massive dicks. This is not true, massive dicks are actually a bit scary, not meaning to be graphic (I’m going to be anyway) but the average length of a vagina – oh god this sounds even worse written down – is about 5 inches, so if you don’t want to terrify her with your todger before you’ve even met keep those measurements to yourself and pick a nice friendly name, like Ben, or something.

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DO: Use A Picture That Actually Looks Like You, Not You Ten Years Ago

So she’s standing at the train station (train stations always seem like such a romantic place to meet) and you can see her scanning the crowd and then comes that look on her face, is it recognition? No, it’s not, because your photos look absolutely nothing like you. They were taken in 2002 when you actually had hair and a six pack (I’m not talking about tins of lager), I mean imagine if you were expecting Cameron Diaz and you ended up with David Cameron you’d be more than a little bit pissed off wouldn’t you? So, update those pictures. Now.

DON’T: Lie About Your Hobbies/Job/Height/Drinking Habits

How many fighter pilots do you know? Or how about 6ft2 models with a difficulty pulling? Because, I don’t know about you but I know oh wait, none. If you want the girl to fancy you, to be impressed by YOU, you might want to start by doing that novel thing we like to call telling the truth. Because whilst your made up career may seem like a great idea at the time when she sees you stacking shelfs down at the local Iceland she’s going to be more disappointed than, well, an extremely disappointed person.

DO: Cancel Your Membership If You’ve Met Someone

So you’re there just scanning through (perving) the best the Plenty Of Fish has to offer and there she is, your new girlfriend. Wow. This is, um, fucking shit, you think. Well yes, it is pretty shit so it’s probably best for all parties involved that if you actually do find someone online or anywhere else you take your profile down. Or you know, strategically “hide” it for the first few weeks, I mean you’ve always got to have a back up plan haven’t you.

DON’T: Use Text Language. Ever.

If u wnt sum1 who cn spk Engleesh it's probs better nt 2 write lyk dis. There is literally nothing hot about this, nothing. It’s like a 15 year old has snuck onto Mysinglefriend in an attempt to get a date with an older woman and the only thing that has given them away is their inability to speak like a normal human being. Maybe you’re trying to cling onto your youth, maybe you’re just really lazy and therefore can’t be bothered to use vowels but the only type of women this will attract is the socially retarded variety and you don’t want that now do you?