The Pulse: An Ace Vibrating Wank Sock For Blokes

It's a guybrator you only need to stick your old chap in, switch it on and let it do the rest... What more could you want?
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It's a guybrator you only need to stick your old chap in, switch it on and let it do the rest... What more could you want?

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I remember using a Rampant Rabbit with an ex a couple of times, and she enjoyed it so much I developed a complex about my own skills in the sack. Of course, she claimed it was just different with the Rabbit, and that obviously she preferred real actual human sex with me, but I was onto her. That thing made her squirm like it was the last cock in Valhalla, and even though I wanted her to get all the pleasure possible, I was not going to be outdone by some horrendous robo-dong that didn’t respect her or make her fucking toast and tea but would still be somewhere level with me on her ‘to rescue if the house was burning down’ list.

I quickly exerted my masculinity and made her throw it out (read: promise to only use it when I wasn’t there).

Therefore, when I was presented with the opportunity to review The Pulse I was curious more than jumping-up-and-down. Did I really need another emasculating piece of kit, designed no doubt by a lascivious Belgian for the sole reason of rending me obsolete in my girls’ sexual existence?

“But it’s for wanking, really, Jimi,” said they.

I’ll take that, I thought.

The Pulse is shaped a bit like a big egg, somewhere in that difficult ground between between a chicken and an ostrich’s, with two wings that curl up and eventually round your penis.  The inside and wings are made of rubber, and it’s black: my God it’s black. Black as Sahara night.  For some research, I read a Wired article that described it as looking like Darth Vader’s helmet and try as I might I can’t think of a better description so in the time honoured of all things-art I am going to nick said description.  Thank you, Wired.

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The USP of The Pulse is the Pulse Plate, which generates high-amplitude oscillations.  The Pulse Plate is about two-thirds of the way up the egg, and is a centimetre/centimetre half tab that sticks out proudly with a little crown embossed on it.  Switch the beast on, and those oscillations get to oscillating and give the thing a bassy hum that make it sound like a cross between a Jacuzzi and a Slipmatt tape in your mate’s Nova. Indeed, the first time I attempted to use The Pulse, my flatmate was in and so unavoidable were the whirrings from my room that I had to turn the beast off and place back in the drawer labelled ‘Later’.

The idea behind it is you put your flaccid cock between the wings with your frenulum (banjo string) on the Pulse Plate.  Upon turning it on it’s totally impossible to deny that there’s a vibrating piece of rubber wrapped increasingly tightly round your cock.  What’s also impossible to deny is that it feels pretty good; similar, I imagine, to placing your cock between a hardback book and a spin-cycling washing machine. Thankfully, it’s a little easier to manipulate, and you can literally just leave it buzzing without doing much in the way of what you would classify as a traditional wanking motion.  With any luck, lou should find yourself turgid quicker than you can say ‘currently feeling like a bit of a plonker’.

In the pursuit of giving it a proper go and serious reviewing, I squeezed it tighter round my helmet and, yes, my frenulum.  If I had a complaint (and it’s really hard to complain about free vibrating sex toys that are designed to make wanking more fun) it’s that it’s hard to maintain what’s already been referred to as a traditional wanking motion. I am used to masturbating with a penis of exceptionally average girth, and with this wrapped round it I was befuddingly filled-out.  Before I had perfectly adapted my technique to get used to the extra weight I had, well…

What’s also relevant to note, is The Pulse is not simply a tool for a wanking, a ‘guybrator’ (thanks again, Wired), but also a device for foreplay, wherein the man can strap himself in whilst the girl holds herself against the other side.  I didn’t actually get round to testing this part out but I suppose there’s no reason why it wouldn’t work.  I’d be more tempted to just use it if I was going down on a girl though, as a bit of a extra ballast and anything, anything, other than that dastardly Rabbit.  In terms of wanking I don’t think I’ll be using it every time but if you’re looking for a bit of spicing up, and God knows an act that has happened literally thousands of times could do with it, it’s hard (sorry) not to be won over by it.

The Pulse is available to buy now. 


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