How To Be A Perv On A Budget

Recession proof tactics for keeping it kinky...
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Recession proof tactics for keeping it kinky...

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Yup, times sure are tough and let’s face it, not everybody is an all-powerful planet-ruling Illuminati Eyes Wide Shut Satanic pervert. Some folks have to watch their kinkster dollars and cents. Now, if you’ve become interested in the bondage and domination scene over the past while, you’ve most likely purchased a variety of outfits and accessories. I know this might sound sexist, but it’s usually women who do most of the online buying of leather, rubber and latex get-ups, along with masks, head gear and various other accoutrements. Big waste of money.

For example a full-length wet-look latex body suit can set you back four or five hundred bucks for something that won’t look like you’re wearing last week’s garbage bag. And if you want one of those all-singing, all-dancing, all-vibrating, multi-tasking “personal massagers”, as they used to be called, we’re talking a couple c-notes for a decent model that won’t electrocute you- unless you’re into that sort of thing, of course.

And if you want the latest fetish footwear, look out! A pair of hand-tooled, super-kink patent leather, thigh-high laced and spiked Vampirella boots can easily set you back four hundred clams or more. Then there’s the hardware; handcuffs, dog leashes, submission collars and various other implements, none of which is cheap and believe me, Walmart and Home Depot aren’t stocking that kind of stuff just yet. Maybe next season.

So what’s an aspiring pervert to do? Well, speaking of big box hardware stores, there’s fetish gold in them there aisles! First of all, don’t try to imitate the stuff you see on kinkster websites. C’mon, try being original. Use your filthy mind and get depraved-on-a-budget.

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For instance, how about a roll of bubble-wrap? Dirt cheap! Grab some duct tape, a bunch of zip-ties (black, of course) and a good length ofheavy-duty chain, clip some plastic clothes pegs to your nipples and you’re in business. What sort of business exactly? Well, that’s between you, your conscience and your sense of humour.

If you’re into something more streamlined, forget about paying big bucks to look like a freshly paved driveway. Pick up a 10 gallon drum of black rubberized paint, give yourself a couple solid coats and presto, instant full-body “wet look”! If you want that extra flourish, get forty yards of baling rope and tie yourself up! Careful with those reef knots!

To really pull off that menacing Master or Mistress of Dominance style, add a pair of chemical-proof work gloves, black fishing waders and one of those new welding masks that looks like a screaming skull. And don’t forget the bucket of axle grease! If no slaves come crawling to your door, at least you’ll be all suited up to repair that rusty porch railing your better half is always whining about.

Finally, we have whips – an essential part of any self-respecting fetish freak’s tool chest. A good bull-whip or rhino-whip will set you back a pretty penny so here are some alternatives. Get a six-foot length of garden hose, black again, fill it with air-rifle bb’s and seal the ends. For six dollars you can happily lay on the lashes, safe in the knowledge you didn’t have to blow up your credit card to do so.

Or if you really don’t want to spend a dime, here’s a great idea. You know that huge ball of rubber bands that your family’s been collecting for generations? That’s right – you just braid them together! Do it while watching the game! Wicked awesome, right? Wrap some duct tape around one end for a handle, dip yourself in a thick coat of that black rubberized paint I mentioned and you’ll either up on Youtube with millions of hits – or in jail! Either way your reputation as a deranged DIY pervert will be enshrined forever!