How To Spice Up Your Dull Sex Life

It's easy to let a love life slide once careers, marriage and kids get in the way. Get a grip guys and girls - of each other - and make time, buy toys and explore the big wide world of porno to kickstart the fire again.
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It's easy to let a love life slide once careers, marriage and kids get in the way. Get a grip guys and girls - of each other - and make time, buy toys and explore the big wide world of porno to kickstart the fire again.

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There’s a new drug being tested called Lybrido. It’s supposed to get women hot to trot. I know some of you will say, just give her a bottle of wine or two but that’s not a long term solution. Let’s face it, this is a serious issue for otherwise devoted couples whose marriage has lost its mojo.

It’s not easy to keep that fire burning in your love life over the years, let alone over several fucking decades. People meet, go through their hot phase, get married, have kids, build their careers, their home, and sex falls way down the list because there just isn’t any time and nobody’s paying them to do it.

So women get bitchy, uptight, and possibly alcoholic while guys either jack-off a lot, become eunuchs, or spend time and money on whores. Or both of them go “outside the marriage,” as cheating is called these days. Some couples have worked out the “open relationship” thing, get into swinging, or bring a third party into the mix. All that stuff can be fine in theory but usually ends up in the courts. Besides, there are those who are determined to hang onto the monogamous ideal. Sounds kind of insane to me, but hey, it’s their cross to bear.

So a Dutch company has come up with a pill that’s supposed to get women going – a kind of pharmaceutical Spanish Fly. Company officials say she won’t suddenly turn into a nympho. The effect is much more subtle, more nuanced.

But let’s look at this another way. Maybe the problem isn’t just with her. Maybe she’s just bored of the guy. Maybe he fucks her the same way each time. Maybe he’s some clueless bedspring and doesn’t put much effort into getting her off. Maybe he’s useless with his hands and mouth and is one of those gomers who believes all she needs is a 3 minute cock ride. Maybe he doesn’t even understand what her clit is for. Maybe SHE doesn’t understand what it’s for.

I know, a lotta maybes. Okay, there’s a couple of simple things people can try before resorting to some drug that most likely has all those creepy side-effects you hear about at the end of TV commercials for new pharmaceuticals. Y’know when the voice-over speeds through a line like… “May-cause-drowsiness-nausea-your-breath-to-smell-like-urine-possible-outbursts-of-hysterical-weeping-potentially-life-threatening-delusions-of-grandeur-and-suicidal-and-or-homocidal-tendencies-please-consult-your-physician-if-you-develop-any-of-these-symptoms."

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So here’s what a monogamous couple can try before turning to the evil pharma empire because the wife doesn’t feel like getting it on with the oaf snoring next to her.

Three things. Time, porn and toys.

You have to MAKE time. Yeah, I know people prefer spontaneity but that can come later. And I don’t mean five minutes between doing the laundry and watching Dancing With The Morons or whatever dreck you’re stuck to these days. A couple needs to find a babysitter, put the careers on hold, along with all the other brain-dead ‘errands’ they’re pointlessly obsessed with. Forget that shit for a little while. Block off two or three hours. Yes, that’s hours – not minutes.

Next, go to a well stocked sex toy store – TOGETHER. Don’t act all geeky and embarrassed and run out of the place after ten seconds. You’re adults and the staff aren’t making fun of you behind your back. They provide a valuable service you should take advantage of.

Buy a good dildo – one that has variable vibrating speeds. No, you don’t need the massive club used on hardcore adult sites. And the wife gets to decide what she might like to try. And if it’s bigger than your equipment, fellas, don’t sulk. Just consider it a marital aid cuz that’s what it does - aid your marriage. And folks, in case it’s not a given, you are allowed to buy more than one toy.

Next, go home or to a hotel, somewhere you won’t be disturbed. Turn off your goddamn phones and other devices. Now turn on your computer and find an adult site you both get off on. TALK about what you want to see and why and don’t just go along with your partner. This isn’t supposed to be a chore or something to knock off your To-Do List. Tell each other what that particular porn does for you, why it gets you hot.

Here’s an important tip: DO NOT just get down and screw right off the bat. Cool it, for fucksake. This isn’t a race. Let things build. I can’t believe I have to actually explain this stuff. Okay, so watch the porn and check out the new toys, TOGETHER, as in both of you at the same time.

Guys, here’s another hot tip: check out your girl’s body - slowly, not just her down-there parts and her mouth. She’s not a blow-up doll. And girls: You’re not a blow up doll. If you’ve got something on your mind you want to try, tell him. Take his hand and put it where you want it and talk about what you want him to do. Verbalizing your actions and desires makes things a lot hotter.

And guys, if you tend to go off too quick, there are ways to deal with that issue. Buy a fucking book about it. There are millions out there. Okay? Got it?

Time, porn and toys. Now go forth and groove.