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Facebook Makes Me The World's Loneliest Woman

by Jenni Davies
19 March 2013 17 Comments

Facebook used to be care-free, easy-going and above all fun. Or was that me? I don't know my friends, only remember their birthday's because I'm reminded and can't even rant on my status because it's not very gratifying...

I miss my old Facebook life. A life where going around spurting crassness such as ‘Fuck you all, fuck you all with a hammer’, brought an abundance of likes and witty comments. Now my old den is merely an electronic inconvenience where I spend time as an occasional voyeur, half heartedly accepting event invites from PR companies in disguise, unsubscribing from updates and leaving groups. Sometimes I’ll look at a friend’s friend’s profile pictures, dozens of photos of someone who I will never meet. For no apparent reason. I hate Facebook.

I hate that my closest friends on there - my best treasured buddies - now live hundreds or thousands of miles away from me, and Facebook is the only reason we haven’t broken touch. It concerns me how complacent I’ve become. I feel I’m up-to-date with their careers, children, relationships and well-being because I’m up-to-date with their Facebook updates. I hate that my most captive audience is distant family, estranged school peers and friends by association who met me once and now comment on every ridiculous or boring update with passive-agressive remarks followed by a lol, an x or a wink emoticon.

We’re all becoming egomaniacs. It used to be just the exhibitionists like me who like writing/acting/posting videos of themselves singing lovesongs about their first dog, but now even the dull are extreme attention seekers - whether it’s their adopted rabbit’s broken leg, divorce grievances, running commentary on a hang-over or sporting event, and/or pleas for justgiving donations. Oh, not forgetting the new wave of ‘gaga googoo funny little things that happened with their baby that day’ mums-net brigade.

I hate that if I argue with my boyfriend I can’t go on Facebook and cathartically post things like ‘DIE, ALL BASTARDS, CUNTS MUST DIE’ to make myself feel better for two seconds before deleting and apologising profusely, because it’s not very adult or considerate, apparently. PS that guy in the glasses is not my boyfriend, he’s just a man on Google who likes to model in his spare time.

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I hate the pop-up chats where the ‘hey you’ single white males continue to try and suck anecdotes out of you, ‘hey you, what u up to?’ I’ll tell you what I’m up to… I’m sitting here bored shitless on my laptop looking through wades of updates and photos, wasting my life away, getting depression and now I’m dealing with someone who is still clinging onto the notion that fuckbook can get you laid. I’m 31, I’m too old for this shit. Don’t poke me, I don’t like being touched. I don’t even like your pop-up invading my space. I am planning on how to eradicate you from my life completely, without you noticing that I’ve deleted you.

I hate that I get 10 friend requests a week and yet just one real life person has telephoned me in the last fortnight. It makes me want to write ‘you’re all wankers’, and yet that isn’t an option, because now I have Facebook friends who I may bump into at a family meal or down Tesco. Every entertaining update I now write is simply a reminder that in real life I haven’t spoken to anyone all day. In fact, I don’t even like speaking on the phone anymore and didn’t even answer to the one person who called me. In a word, it’s tragic.

So, to summarise, Facebook makes me feel lonely and pathetic. How I imagine middle aged creeps with fake profiles feel when they realise everybody likes them better as a teenage girl. For every update about how I feel, I feel disgusted with myself for pressing ‘post’.

Mark Zuckerberg is all about Facebook users becoming more and more transparent with the information we share, from products we like to groups we join, friends we make, photos and videos we upload, the thoughts we express… Yes, Mark - we’re all exhibitionists and thanks to you we all have our very own website where we can say what we like and be who we want to be. So how come every time I go to post an update these days I feel overcome with Big Brother syndrome. For the first time in my life I’m starting to become aware of that thing called censorship. Silence is golden.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Dan 8:11 am, 16-May-2012

Another spot on article Jenni. After the birth of my last three friends babies, instead of wetting the babies head we all 'liked' his "mother and baby healthy" status. What losers we are. I've felt better about missing best friends birthday parties as I wrote more than just "happy birthday mate", I wrote a full sentence! as if I've been more social than so-and-so what a fucking prat I am. Had a spinal injury that incapacitated me for a couple of years, after the operation I was in bed for yet another fucking month... I had 51 likes and 23 comments on my status "successful surgery" but just three people came to see me! It was then when I was coming off the methadone and tramadol and diazepam and morphine I came to the conclusion that Facebook is officially a cunt and I'm a cunt for using it and so are the 1 billion other cunts that use it.

Andy 9:58 am, 16-May-2012

I've been getting slightly concerned that I'm not on Facebook - was I missing something? This article has confirmed all that I think about Facebook, thanks!

killinghall1 10:53 am, 16-May-2012

It's like you read my mind, this is exactly how I feel about FB, I've closed my account a couple of times only to reopen it. Maybe I won't next time.

Truth 11:39 am, 16-May-2012

This nails it for me as well - used to have a barrel of laughs using facebook - now everything I do induces paranoia over who is going to read it. Generally I get drunk and post something then when I wake up sober delete it and hope no one saw it. Cant do anything on it now without someone I dont know very well liking it and making me feel uncomfortable. And yes the sad thing is Im doing it too. I went abroad for a while and when I got back most news people were telling me I already knew through facebook - and I had to kind of pretend like I hadnt already seen it.

Michael 12:24 pm, 16-May-2012

Hahaha the old instantly regrettable drunken Facebook posts which everyone is quick to delete the morning after. Classic.

Bob 4:55 pm, 16-May-2012

Another good one from Jenni, one of the best writers on ST. Thank you.

Dan 7:49 am, 17-May-2012

Check this link to an article about Facebook from Wired magazine called... Can Anything Take Down the Facebook Juggernaut? http://www.wired.com/epicenter/2012/05/mf_facebook/

marianne 8:26 am, 17-May-2012

Why do people complain about 'someone I hardly know' or people they've met once reading their Facebook updates? Isn't that your issue for being friends with them in the first place?

jo_m 2:35 pm, 17-May-2012

i posted this article on my facebook profile. i entirely agree with everything you said and i want all my 'friends' to know that - but its not like anyone ever reads the shit i post on there.

Michael Wild 4:33 am, 18-May-2012

Twitter means there is no one to please....even yourself..And the facebook share price should send you skuttling for the deactivate button...

dev dighe 8:29 am, 19-May-2012

hi...........

isaac 5:17 pm, 12-Jun-2012

There should be peace in Ghana,there shoud be unity and also love for each other

asif amant 12:22 pm, 21-Jun-2012

aneela

michael 9:09 am, 27-Jun-2012

Spot on

Manu 8:41 pm, 19-Mar-2013

I agree with a lot of this article (and often wish I could be really, really honest on FB / Twitter etc without incurring professional / personal ire) but at the end of the day it sounds like the writer doesn't like getting older... which no one does.

Beth 7:05 pm, 15-Apr-2013

Just gonna share this on facebook...

rajesh kumar kamovat 5:42 am, 14-Jun-2013

kota tetarwal ka dhana

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