The 10 Worst Examples Of Football Club Shop Tat

Rochdale tape measure? A Wolves garter for the missus? Dortmund cockpit spray? Welcome to the wonderful world of football tat...
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Rochdale tape measure? A Wolves garter for the missus? Dortmund cockpit spray? Welcome to the wonderful world of football tat...

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VILLA – FOR MEN

Women like men to smell of cinnamon and ginger, so we’re not sure whether coating your warm spots in ‘Villa’ is advisable. What is the smell of Villa? Notes of ‘simmering discontent’? Chip fat? Strongbow? Horse shit?

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CURTAINS FOR HEARTS

It could be curtains for Hearts after their recent tax bill, so it seems rather apt that they are industriously trying to stave off their debt with the sale of these deeply unattractive window rags.

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THE NORWICH ICE SCRAPER

When you’re busy getting the windscreen clear on an icy morning, it’s imperative that people know your sporting affiliations. “Look son, there’s a Norwich fan battling the elements with an officially-branded tool!”

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MILLWALL SLIPPERS

Fear no floor surfaces in what must be the scariest set of slippers in the developed world. Whether you’re stirring up a hot chocolate ‘Moment’ in the kitchen, or engaging in a spot of toe-to-toe on the landing, these rascals will have you looking proper naughty.

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TRACTOR BOY DOORMAT

If you fancy living a lonely life bereft of physical contact, then you could do worse than flinging this upon the threshold of your home. An item that perfectly reflects how most of Town’s opposition view them.

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WOLVES LINGERIE

Seeing your loved one, all dressed up for action can be a stirring sensation, so imagine her decked out in some Wolves gear? With the sensuous undergarments all off-set with the erotic insignia of the Wolverhampton wolf, they’ll be on the floor in no time. Simply imagine Mick McCarthy chewing gum to prolong your performance.

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WEST HAM DOG BISCUITS

West Ham’s canine fans are certainly being spoilt this Yule, with these sumptuous looking beef biccies. The ingredients list that 2% of these snacks is ‘crude ash’ – bit like the Upton Park pies.

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ROCHDALE TAPE MEASURE

“I’m fed up with measuring things with devices that don’t accurately reflect my footballing allegiances,” must have been the thought process that led to this, quite frankly, moribund looking merchandise. Imagine unwrapping that on Xmas morn? A delight swiftly followed by a trip to the garage in your official slippers, armed with a hosepipe.

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CARDIFF CITY POOL CUE

Anyone who has watched their team play in the old Ninian Park will doubtless be aware of the home fans’ obsession with snooker and pool, if the pool balls lobbed into the away end and the cues wrapped around their skulls in the pub car parks are anything to go by.

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DORTMUND COCKPIT SPRAY

We’ll let them explain this…Not just for use on the Team Bus! This practical Borussia Dortmund Cockpit Spray made by WEICON comes in a 400ml can. The BVB Cockpit Spray gives a durable, easy to clean, dust-resistant silky shine. It cleans and cares intensively for all plastic, leather and imitation leather parts of your car’s Interior, refreshing the colours and making them look like new. The cockpit spray prevents fading and keeps plastic flexible.” Sweet