The Beginner's Guide To Taking Drugs At Football

Skinning up is certainly one way of making a terrible 0-0 draw more interesting, but how does acid go down at the match?
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Skinning up is certainly one way of making a terrible 0-0 draw more interesting, but how does acid go down at the match?

drugs

Drugs in football are a real problem, and we mustn’t make light of this serious issue. I’m not particularly talking about the players here – I’m thinking more of the fans. As a foolhardy and reckless young man I was an enthusiastic imbiber of all kinds of pharmaceuticals. To be perfectly frank, I usually had more drugs on me than Boots the Chemist. And my favourite place to get off my trolley was at the match. It’s not big or clever and obviously I have grown out of all that now, but I think with my experiences I am ideally placed to warn Sabotage Times readers of the potential highs and lows of Getting Twatted On Match Day. With the new season almost upon us, here is A Handy Cut Out And Keep Guide To Drugs and Football.

Marijuana

The only drawback to smoking weed at the match is the amount of hot dogs, crisps and chocolate you get through. That, and the fact that you usually end up in hysterics every time someone misses a shot. This can sometimes piss the people off who are sat around you. Also, if you’re going to get stoned on pot at a football match, never ever go with your bird. I once spent an entire 90 minutes trying to explain the off-side rule to this lass and as a consequence missed the entire game. And she still didn’t understand it. Neither did I, come to think of it. Anyway, you can’t smoke at football now, so that’s that one out the window. Man.

Cocaine

Absolutely useless for watching football. For a start, you have to keep asking everyone to stand up to let you by while you trot backwards and forwards to the bogs. And if the opposing fans start singing derogatory songs you start thinking they’re all aimed personally at you. Either that or you spend the entire game telling everyone in a very loud voice how brilliant you are at football and how it should be you down there on the pitch instead of all them useless bastards.

Heroin

An absolute no-no. You miss the kick off because you’re outside begging, and then you fall asleep in your seat and dribble or all over your programme. Or you die. One to avoid, really.

Ecstasy

At first this seems quite a good idea for match day. After all, E was credited with ending football violence. But repeated dosage means that the game invariably loses it’s competitive edge. I spent one night match away to Leyton Orient gazing at the floodlights and dancing to the walk-on music. Plus opposing fans can sometimes get upset by you walking into their end and giving them all bear hugs and asking them where they’re from and if they’re having a good night.

LSD

An absolute non-starter, for reasons that must be blatantly obvious. I once spent an entire match cowering beneath me seat because I was convinced a hideous fifty foot monster had been let loose on the pitch and was coming to get me. Then I realized I hadn’t actually taken any acid, it was just a slow motion replay of Peter Beardsley on the big screen.

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